Janet rented an apartment/flat (delete where appropriate).
Well, that was being a little generous.
It was more of a closet/cupboard (ditto).
But it had a hot plate screwed to the wall
And if she was really careful
And kept the lids on her pans
She could sort of cook on there.

On Schedule

Roy couldn't swim,
But after weeks of stalking
He'd worked out the schedule of his favourite lifeguard.
He went to the local pool
Floundered for a while,
And ultimately was rescued by her.
Beyond that things didn't really work out and Roy ended up in prison.

Cavity Search

Steven Swallow
Got real hollow
And broke into a bank.
Once inside he gulped down lots of gold
And was too heavy to outrun the police.

Nail Biting

Edward bit his nails.
Suddenly he found himself addicted.
He began biting Alison's nails as she slept.
Alison woke and tried to scratch her head.
She missed the target owing to her shorter nails.
She looked over at Edward.
He snored, slathered in nail crumbs.

Two Pats

A woman
And Pat
A man
Got muddled and started going to each other's arrangements.
So Pat was going to football practice
And Pat was getting his nails done
And everyone was fine with that.
(Apart from Pat's manicurist who was appalled by the state of his nails and the amount of work it took to get them in shape, and she'd had enough of hearing stats for the Premier League's top players)

A Brief Summary of Political Events

Some of those Tory types (the absolute bastards)
Gathered round starving children and race horses and other things rich people like
And chuckled at the idea of being called scum.
They unlatched some fun new badges they'd affixed to their lapels.
Jabbed the pin parts into the kids and laughed ever so much.
Boris Johnson waddled about sloshed to hell and kept asking if any of the children were his.


Kirby ate his friends.
He dressed up as them.
Did their jobs for a while.
Then became bored with the whole thing.
He missed his friends.
He wished he didn't eat them.

Night-Time House

Abe bought a new house.
He turned it into one giant bedroom.
Abe rested in what was once the kitchen.
While it was now obviously a bedroom
The ordeal still felt a bit quirky.

Mario Guy

A guy who looked a bit like Mario (from the Nintendo)
Shaved off his moustache.
When he went to work the next day no one recognised him.
Everyone kept asking where the Mario guy had gone.

Sugar Coated

Nick coated himself in sugar.
He then informed his wife he'd slept with 46 women in the past week.
She was furious.
And Nick was very sticky
Because it was raining.