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Season's Greetings

Some of Santa's elves
Marched off to wrangle a polar bear
To create the perfect Christmas scene.
Four lost their lives,
Including the polar bear itself.
It was stuffed and used anyway,
After Mrs Claus had scrubbed the blood from its fur.

Noise

The roads were wet.
Dave liked this.
He liked the noise the cars made on wet roads.
Oh yes.

Autumn

Golden leaves scattered across the autumn pathway.
Eben slipped upon them.
His flesh wept.
A companion complained about the destruction of the vibe.

Dancing

I thought I'd give dancing a shot.
By the end I wished dancing had shot me.
If you know what I mean.

Pendulum

A couple of men,
Didn't agree very much with each other.
This resulted in a bout of fisticuffs.
Their arms pendulumed betwixt one another,
Like pendulums,
But with fists on the ends.
After a few short minutes,
Of regular length,
They were spent.
Only their egos,
And memories of the night damaged.

Magnets

Kate was enthralled by fridge magnets.
Jim impressed her by swallowing some incredibly powerful ones,
And sticking himself on there too.

Referee

A referee,
Put his cards in the washing machine.
They came out as an orangey colour.
He was too embarrassed to use them during the next game,
And made full use of his pointing finger and also the calm down gesture.

Qatar

Beth* floated to Qatar.
She had plans on watching the football (there's a world cup going on).
Apaches arrived to block the route.
Threatened to shoot her if she didn't turn back.
Beth's* arch grew ever deeper.

*Beth is a rainbow.

Surgeon

A highly skilled surgeon,
Looked rather fondly upon his patient's ears.
He circled them with his felt tip thing while sorting out the rest of the body with those lines they draw.
Assured the patient this was standard procedure.
The surgeon picked up his scalpel and gazed at the reflection within,
Fondling the flaps on the side of his head.

Smells

Kathy ate a bag of crisps.
She couldn't find anywhere to wash her hands.
As a result her fingers smelled like cheese and onion.
This was bad.
Real bad.

Political Hunt

That Hunt guy found time between abusing members of staff
To announce some new policies.
They were things like installing money vacuums in council houses,
And having hospital staff work 48 hour shifts to earn their butter sandwiches.
First that sort of thing sounded bad,
But then you realised the money would be going towards caviar and swimming pools and heating mansions and whatever else rich people liked.
So it didn't seem bad at all really.

My Driver

"Where's my driver‽"
I ejaculated into a telephone.
It became clear my driver didn't exist.
I tried to explain how I must have arranged these plans in my sleep.
How they should anticipate this sort of thing happening.
This didn't help matters at all.
They barely even cared that I had places to be.

Ordinary

A very ordinary man did something spectacular.
When he told people about what he'd done no one believed him,
Because they knew he was very ordinary.
It seemed unlikely that he'd have done anything spectacular.

A Trip to the Gallery

Mike went to one of those art galleries.
It was BORING.
They didn't have any of the art he liked.
The kind with the men fighting with laser swords or anything like that.

Painter

Ron Margarine became a painter.
Not the kind that would do your house,
But the useless sort with an easel.
He largely enjoyed the process,
Except the part where he'd have to deal with faces.
Always a chore to slather on canvas, those things.
He took to sticking any old object over them.
Anything to avoid those damn faces.
People enjoyed this.
It's what art was all about, they thought.

Social Media

Adam got deep into social media.
So deep he found his fists pummelling away at the face of some politician.
The steps between this were too confusing to write down.

Gods at War

Two big strong manly men,
With their wide frames,
And even wider legs,
Squeezed into a very manly environment (shed).
They plonked down their weapons,
Engaged in some gruff manly grunting towards one another,
Establishing who was the manliest of them all.

Sometimes it's nice to cover something that actually matters for a change - manly men. The likes of Kratos and Thor.

Journey

Buzz set up his rocket to go to the moon.
But he forgot the clocks were changing.
So he missed the moon by about an hour and ended up going somewhere else in space instead.

Pet

Percy's cat was a disappointment.
His cat knew this.
He knew this.
Every day Percy would look at his cat.
He would ask the cat why it wasn't a dog.
The cat would just look back at him,
With its eyes,
And its ears,
And its tail,
And its fur.
All the features of a dog.
But not a dog.
A cat.

Poem for John

John Merriweather noticed the rain.
Chuckled to himself.