The king was sad his castle had no moat.
He began crying.
Ordered servants to gather up his tears,
And get digging.


Lewis found a portal to another world.
Things were very different from what he knew.
He didn't like it.
He went back home and ate some buttered toast.

Feeling Festive

Vanessa slathered her house in fairy lights.
This year she'd forgo the heating in favour of them.
She sat indoors,
Pretended she was a snowman,
Felt quite festive.

Lie In

Santa got in touch with DHL.
Asked what it would cost to have their drivers wear the gear,
And work on Christmas morning.

Santa's Sleigh

Santa took his sleigh to the local supermarket.
He had some of the lads there wash it.
Polish it up nicely for the season.
He demanded they wear little green hats with bells on,
And insisted on seeing his reflection in the sleigh's filigree. 

Cautionary Tale

Ronnie opened day one of his advent calendar.
Chocolate, delicious!
But not enough.
He opened days 2-24 too.
Briefly happy,
Then sad.


To avoid being overshadowed by his steed,
A knight bought a mule,
And went to pick up his princess.


Samuel Sung got stuck in a lift.
Or an elevator if you prefer.
He laughed at the term shaft.
This irritated the others in the lift/elevator.
They told him to calm down,
Stop stealing all of the oxygen.
'Calm down?' he guffawed,
'That'll take some doing with a shaft like this!'
Anyway, they all survived.
He didn't make any friends.


Harry loaded his bath with Matey.
Sloshed around in anticipation.
Wondered if anyone would be interested in what he was up to.


Gordon started leaving rocks in the Natural History Museum.
Added 'curator' to his CV.

Baked Beans

John made a meal.
Baked beans.
Romance was bolstered by the inclusion of a little extra salt,
And a tealight.


Julia got married.
Daniella got married.
Vinny moved to America.
That didn't work out.
Vinny got married.


Mike was explaining the rules is cricket to his girlfriend.
With the aid of the usual suspects,
Salt shakers and the like.
She'd told him to shut the fuck up at least ten times now,
But, rather tragically,
A few key details were sinking in.

Meal Time

Gordon perched on his stool.
Unravelled his cookie.
Unlatched his mouth.
And there they were again.
Victoria's lips,
Slathering over his shoulder.


There's a train.
I'm on it.
Nature does its thing through the windows.
I observe.
A ticket inspector arrives.
Not from illegal activity,
I would never be so bold,
But the ticket only exists on my phone.
This one.
The one I'm writing with.


I tried to wrote a poem,
I tried really, really hard.
I looked at the ceiling,
Then back down to my card,
Which was actually paper,
Which was actually a keyboard,
But keyboard doesn't rhyme with hard.
Nor does paper.


Susan bought a cat costume.
Climbed a tree.
Got in touch with the local fire brigade.


The washing up became unwieldy.
Plates piled to the ceiling.
Scattered across the worktops too.
There was nothing else for it,
I doused the lot in petrol,
Threw on a match.


Stan spent so long arranging,
And more importantly,
Panicking about his travel arrangements,
That he forgot to make any plans for his holiday.
So he spent a large chunk of it sitting in his hotel room,
Occasionally checking for local supermarkets.


Ash realised he had two hands,
One dramatically underutilised.
He resolved this by ordering an extra toothbrush,
An extra hairbrush,
And various other examples of things that only require one hand to operate.
Started shaving minutes off his morning preparations.