Free Ride

John launched his phone.
Dialled the big guy,
Nine nine nine.
He informed them he'd twisted his ankle,
That he'd be needing a lift to the hospital.
Which rather conveniently,
Was right next to the pub.


Barney bought a box,
Storage to tidy things up a bit.
He peeled back the lid,
Noticed how clean it was in there.
Plans changed,
He climbed in,
Made some calls,
Tried to redirect the mail.


Jack went for blood tests.
The doctor was so impressed she kept the stuff flowing.
Stuck the other end of the pipe in her own arm 
Smiled at Jack.


I love the rain
Said Jane
I love the sun
Said Bun
That's not a real name
Said Jane
It's my name
Said Bun
Irritated by the lack of rhyming that had occurred.


Stan left his bins out.
The passage of time betrayed him.
He was too embarrassed to bring them back in.
He ordered wigs and the like off Amazon and would leave for work in disguise.
Neighbours called the police.
Suspected he was operating a brothel.
As night fell the police began their raid,
They stumbled over the bins,
Breaking various limbs.
Stan's problems continued to pile up.


George feared the monsters under his bed.
Every night Liz would have to haul herself up and confirm it was safe.
She grew tired of this nonsense.
Began telling him to get over it,
Or go and sleep on the couch.


A very evil man
Wore a baggy hood
And said things like
'Kill them all'
With a gravelly voice
To really hammer the point home.


Stan called his boss,
Informed her it was too hot to work.
He held up his hands,
And they began to melt into his forearms.


For the third year in a row,
Port gifted Mira an envelope.
'More bloody book vouchers, Port?'
Her disappointment was noted,
Next year he'd slide them into a box.

More Hot Weather Observations

Carrying a bucket and spade,
Mark trudged his way to the beach.
Plopped them down to begin construction,
And watched as the tools melted into the sand.


Mike's favourite restaurant closed.
He hunted down the owners.
Dragged the patio furniture to their driveway,
Whipped out the old menu.

First Impression

Jeff brushed his teeth ninety-six times
And smiled at Brian


Gary upgraded his pillows.
Went to bed and decided to never wake up again.
Which, given the benefit of hindsight, he'd consider a bad idea.
Not that he'd know now.


Ken invested in a new graphics card
Suddenly the real world seemed even less appealing
He decided to strap a monitor to his head
Live in the places that thing rendered instead


Brian bought a tape measure
Learned his house was too small
Compared to all of the stuff he'd acquired.
He knocked through to the neighbours
Said he'd be living there too
And told them to keep off the furniture

New Job

Wendy got an office job
Something to escape the family
To give her time to scroll through Instagram

The Seaman's Mast

A particularly horny seaman
Of colossal proportions
Wandered the deck of his ship
Unwittingly clubbing crew overboard with his erection

Definitely Happened

Brian May's hair collapsed
Yes him with the guitar
All of the volume gone from its arrangement
He cancelled performances
Spent thousands on shampoos to fix the problem
Told fans he hoped to be back on tour soon


I've got a new hat
Hat on my head
I've got a new cat
Cat in my bed
Where's my cat?
It's in my hat
My hat shrouds my cat
My cat stole my hat


Tony learned to play the tambourine
He was a prodigy of percussion
A master of the zills
Nobody respected Tony
He played the tambourine