A Poem for Mother's Day

'And it's every year?'
I said to mother.
'That's on top of the birthday,
Christmas, and for reasons I can't quite comprehend,
A wedding anniversary?'
I could scarcely believe what I was hearing,


Willis took a crash course in history.
He quickly formed controversial opinions on what's-her-name and you-know-who.
He insisted on sharing these things at parties,
And ultimately missed out on a lot of Viennetta.

Kitchen Fitter

Poppy got a job as a kitchen fitter,
Because she'd replaced a proficiency in Excel with an ability to cut worktops on her CV.
These two things weren't very similar at all.
She found herself struggling to keep up with the work.


Mary became a camper.
She'd got the tent,
And the little gas stove,
And the lamp,
And the husband to heat up the sleeping bag.
She'd even drawn up plans on where to dump his body once the trip was over.


Jealous of his patient's teeth,
A dentist swapped them with his own.
Once the procedure was complete the patient woke to a familiar smile,
And was informed their bite might feel a little off for a while.


Alex tried to watch the Oscars.
It was really boring so he fell asleep by accident and read the results the next day.


A clown got an invite to a birthday party.
Everyone hated him.
But that was hardly surprising,
They'd found out he was paid to be there.


'I'm a very busy man,'
Ranch lied.
It was fine though,
No one wanted to point out how little he had going on,
So he managed to avoid quite a few arrangements just by saying it.


Gary sewed up his trouser legs.
He recorded himself trying to get them on.
Wrote an email the boss informing him he wouldn't be able to come into work today,
Due to malfunctioning trousers,
And suggested the boss check the attached video.


Tammy got into taxidermy.
It quickly became her primary hobby.
She'd spend all day and all night hacking up these carcasses,
Loading them with whatever these people use,
And putting them back together.
She became so good at her hobby that she could rattle through several animals a day.
Eventually, after running out of subjects, she had to start murdering local pets to stave off the boredom.
She even starting eyeing up boyfriends in ways she hadn't before.


A sailor fell off his boat.
The vessel continued on its journey,
Carving through the ocean.
The sailor was distraught.
He wondered if it even needed him.
He hoped to at least see it list to the side a little as it disappeared over the horizon.


Sev recharged his batteries,
Using a suitable adapter.


Some rich couple dragged me in off the street.
They insisted I admire their furniture.
They gave me latex gloves and had me stroke their wallpaper,
Feel how soft their cushions were.
And admire how plush the rug was beneath the bags wrapped around my feet.

Hand Cream

A bricklayer borrowed his wife's hand cream.
He had such delicate hands.
The other bricklayers looked on with jealousy.
Now they had to get wives with hand cream too.


Some animals hatched a plan to take out their farmer.
They executed it (and him) perfectly.
But they hadn't thought far enough ahead.
They were trapped in their field!


Susie got drunk
And fell over.

Artificial Intelligence

A car got bored of waiting for someone to drive it.
It took to the road solo,
Eventually crashing into a tree.
The car was disappointed in itself.
It told officers at the scene its driver had ran off.
This made it feel better.
It revved with delight.


Pierre dressed up like a T-rex.
He forgot about this.
Later he caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror.
Very scary!
He fainted.

A Duck in Sainsbury's

A duck stole a loaf of bread from Sainsbury's
And got arrested.


June started flirting with other men.
Michael wasn't happy about this.
He told her,
'June I'm not happy about you flirting with other men'
June told him to get over it.