I hauled my luggage through the streets of some Italian city.
Plopped myself down at a table and insisted the guys in the restaurant replace the tablecloth with pizza,
And the placemats with pizza,
And my plate with pizza,
And then put a pizza on that for me to eat.
Finally, things were started to feel authentic


I got on one of those planes.
Which, if you're a bit lost,
Is like a bus with wings.
I went about my business.
Largely sitting on a plane for a few hours,
And waiting for some guy to offer me a cup of water.
Eventually I arrived in a new country.

New Ideas

Jeremy started driving on the pavement.
All of the traffic was diving out of his way,
And cheering him on.
He couldn't believe no one else had thought of this.


Herbie liked talking about his printer.
For over a decade,
Anyone who'd listen,
And even some who wouldn't,
Got to hear about how poorly this thing functioned.

Sewer Smells

Grant's life devolved.
Which is to say he went to live in a sewer.
The smells of this new home were not to his liking.
Candles became an obsession.
Scented ones, vanilla mostly.
All of Grant's money was being bundled into these things.
They did little to resolve the situation.
And cost more than the rent at his previous place, probably.


I looked up at the sky.
Largely blue.
Some clouds were going about their day.
Barely forming any worthwhile shapes.
Beyond the usual cloudy looking things.
I looked down at my poet's notepad.
And my poet's pen.
Really disappointed with the stuff they were coming out with.


I found myself on a bus.
It was interesting to say the least.
All sorts on here with me.
With their things going on.


Max was sitting there.
Wishing the fart went as planned.
Wondering how long he had to linger before making his excuses.


A little mouse,
Enjoyed cheese.
He also enjoyed evading traps.
And living in a house.
His life was absolutely ideal.


Mark grew a beard,
And started stealing toys from children,
To ruin Santa's reputation.


Beryl bought a cottage,
And a cottage pie.
She ate the cottage pie,
In the cottage.
Went on Twitter to let the world know.
Some people call that X these days.
The people there didn't care,
Because they were all busy being racist, 
Or whatever it is people do on Twitter these days.


An athlete won!
But he was shy.
So his mum had to go up and collect his prize.
But she lacked the winner's humility.
So she was hurling inappropriate language at the other athletes,
And sticking her fingers up at them.


Frank went out and bought a clown costume.
Mostly to take the edge off some of the insults at work.
Being called a clown, specifically.
It didn't help so much with the others.


Joe got a role on television.
Sure, he had to stab someone for it.
Several times, really.
Confirming they were properly dead.
But there he was,
On the TV.
It was hard no to be proud of the guy.

Moving Out

Adam moved out of the family home,
And into his very own flat!
With housemates.
So not quite his own.
'What the hell is that?!'
He ejaculated,
Pointing firmly in the direction of a mysterious object.
'A washing machine'
Replied Daisy.


Molly tried out one of those power naps.
If that's still what people are calling them.
When she woke up she realised it was tomorrow,
And that some explaining would need to be done.


Julie glared at her layered bread.
Fondled it morosely
Regretting being forgetful.

A Poem about a Storm

There was a storm.
Ethel equipped an oversized cagoule and went to put the bins out.
The wind caught her.
Picked her up and carried her all the way to Devon,
Where she had to set up residence because the train tickets home were too expensive.
It's worth noting that prior to this Ethel lived in King's Lynn.
She found her predicament particularly surprising because she had moved against the prevailing winds of the country.
But she didn't really understand storms so maybe it made sense.


Harrison tried to peel his orange.
But the skin came off in tiny chunks.
And left lots of pith behind.
Harrison was angry.
He threw his orange.


The floor was cold.
Icy cold.
The floor was icy,
With ice.
Mark slipped on it.
He laughed through the pain,
To prevent onlookers thinking he was embarrassed.