Showing posts from August, 2020


Alfred whipped out an ironing board.
Got to work on Batman's cape.
Suggested a wife could handle this sort of thing.
Batman found this VERY sexist.
Punched out a written warning on his bat-typewriter.


Armstrong tried to impress a woman.
He stretched as high as he could.
Hoped to brush the ceiling with his stubby fingers.
Ended up about an inch (2.54cm) too short.
Very frustrating.


A dinosaur tried to write a letter.
It couldn't hold the pen.

Guide: person, arthritis


A swollen bride waddled down the aisle.
The bridegroom felt her family's glare.
Clearly the wedding was a rush job.


The pictures arrived.
There was a baby in her.
"Oh christ" he uttered
"Oh god" fairly constantly.


Phillip bought a whole wheel of Dairylea.
Ate some and then said "deary me".


Alan opened a bakery.
Chained the customers to the chairs.
Demanded they try his lockdown perfected banana bread.


The slabbos all webcammed in.
Fawned over each other.
The dregs watched on.
Pretended they were part of the world.
Cheered occasionally.


Old women gathered.
Thick air surrounded them.
A four metre radius,
Filled with the stench of rank flowers.


Wilson ate some cheese.
Gorged on cheddar.
Ate so much of the stuff he began to float.
Ended up about 240,000 miles from Earth.


Duncan decided it was time to grow up.
He paid close attention to the weather.
Bought himself a car and a house and a wife.
Made investments and drank heavily.


Boris Johnson arrived wearing the family armour.
The creaking buckles and hinges only served to highlight the faux pas.
The other politicians mocked him.
Started calling him tin lad and stuff like that.


"Please clean the windows, son" said Mother.
She handed Dunk everything he needed for the job.
Dunk had better ideas.
"Mother, they'll never need cleaning again!" he boldly proclaimed.
He scooped up his trusty hammer and knocked the things out.
Dunk stands proudly in front of his work.
As the wind gusts, shards rattle from the frames and rain slaps against Dunk's back.


The robot went to Mars
It searched for life
It searched for love
The robot returned
The robot looked very sad


The man grasped the skull.
Delivered his big speech.
Barely knew the thing to be honest.
But he was really going for it.
Slipped his tongue between the skull's gnashers.
Worked them with his muscular organ.
Rolled around in the dirt.
"I love you," he said "I love you old boy!"


A group of superheroes booked some time off.
Their bus slipped off an icy road and rattled down a mountain.
They all refused to do anything to resolve the situation, what with it being their holiday.
The invulnerable one laughed, which really bothered the vulnerable ones.
One of the superheroes eventually gave in and started unpacking his cape.
He lacked the super speed ability.
By the time he'd pinned the thing on he found himself in a crumpled wreckage.
Skis snapped, holiday ruined.


The creep observed,
As a gathering occurred.


Roland replaced the batteries in all of his devices.
His house felt electric.
So full of power.
He held his television remotes tightly.
Laughed as he fingered the buttons.


Stan wore his jeans.
In the height of a heatwave!
The denim hooked to his moisten legs.
When he sat down they tore his kneecaps off.


The nerds arrived.
Played their games again.
Imagined their filthy dungeons.
Rolled their eccentric dice.
Did too much maths.


The walker stopped to have a think.
Typically this wouldn't cause much of a problem,
But today the walker was a motorist.
He happened to be on the motorway.
This set of circumstances led to much larger issues than usual.


Hardcore Margaret punched Stanley
With gloves made of bricks.
Stanley doubled over in pain,
Hardcore Margaret's knuckles bled into her brick gloves.
Her expression didn't flinch
Hard as nails.
Or bricks, I suppose.


The giant helped some villagers build a house.
He found the menial work of hauling materials tedious,
But his giant meaty fingers were inadequate for construction.
He'd knock over walls when trying to lay bricks,
And his application of mortar was, at best, inadequate.


A reader was up to his old tricks again.
Spending his evening strolling between branches of Waterstones,
Working his way through a book,
Trawling a few pages in each store,
Hoping the staff wouldn't notice.


The thief wore a mask.
He lacked the enthusiasm he used to have for the job.
It just wasn't special any more,
Not with everyone else wearing masks too.
He walked around the store, shoulders slumped,
Unable to muster the energy to steal some Jaffa Cakes.


Doug replaced his friends.
He was sick of having to remember all of their birthdays.
He placed an ad in the local paper,
"Looking for new friends. MUST be born on 11th Nov."
Doug waited for the calls to roll in.


An astronaut couldn't find the keys to his spaceship.
NASA's science people were so focused on counting down they didn't notice him trying to pry the door open.
They got to zero and there he was, still standing on the platform.
Fully decked out in his spacefaring gear too.
It looked set to be a humiliating trudge back to the office.


Barry agreed to marry Susan.
He'd forgotten he was gay!
He realised his mistake at the altar.
It was a terrible time for Susan.
Barry didn't feel great about it either.


"I don't like you using that word" said Geoff.
"Which word is that then?" said David.
"You know which word it is mate" said Geoff "you just said it."
"Don't think I do, mate" said David.
"You know, the N one, the bad one people don't like" said Geoff.
The exchange continued.
David got more and more frustrated.
"There are lots of words beginning with N man! Just spit it out!" said David.
"You know the word, Dave" said Geoff.
"I can't help these words being part of my vocabulary, J. E. F. F." David purposefully misspelt Geoff's name out loud.
He felt as though he was winning the argument, his voice was getting louder.
"Well how did it get there then?" said Geoff.
David stormed off, shouting out the wrong letters to Geoff's name.


Former prime minister Gordon Brown tapped his magical eye
"I'd have seen this coming."
Boris Johnson looked forlorn.
He tugged at his hair,
It had turned to straw and snapped between his fingers.
"It used to be so full of life Gords, old bean."
Boris Johnson folded deeper over his bicycle.
His powers were drained.


There was a knock at the door.
No one got up to check who or what it was.
They ignored the knocking.
It added a bit of mystery to the day.