Showing posts from July, 2020


A man took a swig from the drinking spout.
The swig was too big.
He drowned trying to swallow it all.


Jacob finally got his dream job as a banker.
The quirks of the new role quickly set in.
His skin formed a film, damp and slimy.
His stomach bulged from his fresh white shirts.
A once exposed scalp hid beneath long, thin strands of hair.
Suddenly he was a whole new class of person.
He'd hired a maid to handle any chores around the house.
He demanded his Pop Tarts be grilled.
A vile creature indeed.


"Let's just start at the start."
The whole gang largely agreed on that being a decent idea.
They just needed to figure out where the start was to begin with.


The angels came
They took away the driver
The rest of the passengers weren't very happy about this
There was a lot of protesting
A lot of screaming
The angels were having none of it


Christopher caught the train
Soon after this the train started floating across the sea
He realised the mistake he'd made
It seemed almost unbelievable
But there was Christopher
On the wrong mode of transport again


Dennis bought a throne
He organised a bit of a gathering to celebrate
The invitation demanded gifts to appease the new king
His friends took it as a joke
The party turned sour when Dennis pulled out his sword


Will Gompertz clawed away at the layers
Sucked them from beneath his fingernails
Savoured them
He dug all the way to the canvas
Licked it and demanded more


Wally turned left when he was supposed to go right
He was genuinely up for a laugh
He started cracking up
Standing with his back to the rest of the gang
Wally stood there for five hours and waited
He became hungry, weary, the laughs had faded
His legs ached
He turned around to share the prank with his friends
But they had already moved on


The children brought their pets to school.
One had a T. rex.
It ate the other children.
The parents began to question the idea.
"Why would you let a child bring a dinosaur to school?" they asked.
The teachers had to admit they hadn't considered the possibility.
They offered to replace the children.
It seemed like the only option.


Alan's smile lit up the room
It was one of the few benefits of having swallowed a torch
That and his new job as a human spotlight
He had some concerns over the career path once the batteries die


Jeremy spent his day in the elevator
He slapped the buttons to different floors and clapped and cheered when he reached them
He would hold his breath in anticipation of the lift moving and do it all again


The samurai sat looking at trees and rocks and things
He began writing haiku
He wasn't sure if he was supposed to be doing that
It distracted him from the Mongol invasion
He got up and rattled back into combat
Giant shoulder pads clattered irritatingly against his helmet


John joined a book club.
Quickly he learned he loathed hearing their opinions.
He nodded along with the discussion eating snacks and guzzling bottles of wine.
His behaviour from then on was atrocious.
He folded the book's pages around his lad and started thrusting away.
Shouting about how if they loved the book so much they should join in
They should marry it.
John never received an invite back.


I wore my swimming trunks
I had no intention of swimming
They largely served as a conversation starter


Tom Jones' head rocked violently
It flung into a woman's lap
She squealed kissed his lips
Threw his head back onto the stage
Tom picked himself up and stroked his thick black mane
Not a strand out of place


The weatherman informed his wife of a deadly storm.
"You must stop bringing your work home dear" she insisted.
She peeled off his bold grey suit, unhooked his tie, and folded up his spectacles.
He sat in fetching string vest and striped briefs.
Felt free.
"Maybe you're right, love" he said "maybe you're right."
His ankles became unpleasantly moist.
He noticed a newspaper floating through the living room.
"But then again..." he said, before his wife shushed him and climbed onto his lap.


Tarquin gave Mary permission
Finally she was allowed bird
"Not lovebirds or anything like that though" he said
"Think eagles, hawks, or kestrels, that sort of thing, you know?"
Tarquin wanted a bird of prey
He imagined feeding it various meats
Owning one of those big leather gloves like the people at bird shows have
He'd settle for nothing less


The very wealthy man
Hoisted a piano onto his piles of money
He twiddled with the keys
Sang about sharing
Sang about greed


She consumed the loaf
Gnashed away at the crusts
Inhaled the crumbs
He watched carefully
Watched as she worked through the thick cut slices


Antboy gathered fifty ants
He wrote a short message on their abdomens
Fed them into an envelope
Shipped it off and awaited a response
Antboy called it antmail
He loved it


A great big
Too big to properly describe or imagine
Causing quite a commotion


I furnished myself with a lab coat and science goggles
Filled my science pocket with scientific pens
And got to work with my experiments
Test tubes fizzed and lumps of flesh groaned
Finally I grew myself a beast
I named him Frankenstein
I hoped that would shut people up


Roland somehow fell into the role of the football team's manager
He remained completely clueless
Hadn't so much as even opened a textbook on the matter
He was struggling with the diagrams
Trying to work out what the drawings of fields with arrows on them meant


Michael Pound searched for a fight
He knew chances of winning were slim
His flimsy arms offered nothing
His fists crumpled at the sight of combat
But nothing else had worked
He needed to impress the date


He danced hard
Arms flailing
Bodies flying everywhere
Battered and bruised
Clawing their way from the dance floor


I joined the Red Arrows
Told them I was a pilot of some repute
They trusted me, didn't even do any checks!
I was horribly out of sync
I felt guilty when their displays suffered and I broke their planes trying to land


Colbert thrust his ball down the lane
Obliterated the pins
Turned and pointed at Vivian
"That's what I'm going to do to you tonight"
It was absolute filth


Barold arrived at the pub with an extra long straw.
He weaved his straw through the punters and slurped from their glasses.
Barold's investments in toilet paper and pasta hadn't yet paid off.


Baggy nylon shirt
Made a very windy walk
Rather difficult


Tobias was tired of conforming and tired of his bland possessions
"Things should be unique and visually appealing!" yelled Tobias clutching a book of stickers
Daisy wasn't keen on the idea but just let him get on with it
What really irritated her was when she woke up covered in stickers herself


"It's like rogering Medusa"
He observed.
Fists tangled in thick perm-like hair.