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Showing posts from March, 2022

Three Spider-Mans

Three sticky men,
All named Spider-Man,
Went about teaming up for an evening.
No planning occurred,
So they all got stuck together.
News spread quickly amongst the baddies.
Lots of crime sprees kicked off.

Donald's Date

Donald went on a date.
He quickly established the woman's full name.
Began scrolling through his phone.
Fact checking every statement she'd made.
Examining her group of friends.

A Squirrel and a Baguette

A squirrel stole a baguette.
He hauled the bread home proudly
But couldn't fit it through the door.
So most of the effort went to waste.
His wife pointed to the dwindling pile of nuts and tutted.

Tropical Fish

Kenneth was afraid of open water.
Kenneth also kept tropical fish.
They were in a rather large aquarium.
Not a huge one, but big enough for the fish he owned.
Occasionally Kenneth would press his face against the glass.
Pretend he was a scuba diver.
He liked the colours.
And also the idea that he was a scuba diver.

Promotions

Luke got a new job.
A march to the top would be aided by his collection of poisons.

Blackbeard's Treasure

The ship's crew was commanded to bring forth a chest.
Blackbeard snatched at it, fiddled with the clasps.
Unhooked the lock and flipped the lid.
He shoved his hands deep into the booty.
The parrot on his shoulder cackled.
Along with Blackbeard, obviously.

Password Recovery

Alfred was out enjoying his day off.
Batman forgot the password to the Batcomputer.
Of course, the phone started ringing.
More bloody calls from the inescapable office.

Hyde Park Attacks

The squirrels of Hyde Park formed gangs.
They'd mug tourists.
Ransack pockets for nuts.
Police struggled to identify culprits.
Squirrels refused to visit stations for questioning.
And handcuffs seemed unfit for purpose.

Gary's Day

Gary Manilow went to work.
While at work he got on with his job.
Tapped at the keys on his keyboard,
Organised some papers,
That sort of thing.
He headed home at about 5pm.
That's a day in the life of Gary.

Puppet

A puppet came to life.
He snipped off his strings and went for a wander.
The marionettist looked on,
His heart oozing with love,
Eyes beating water.
They'd spent a lifetime together,
And now they could finally interact for real.
However, to everyone else the puppet looked like a creepy little bastard.
So no one liked him.

Fundraiser

Fred did a fundraiser for charity.
He went off the idea when he saw how much money came in.
Instead he kept the money for himself and bought a rather nice kitchen.

Transplant

Roy plopped his brain into a new body.
The whole ordeal was a disaster.
His spatial awareness had gone to hell.
He was accidentally clubbing children,
And tripping over his own feet.
Life was one calamity after another.

Eyelashes

William grew his eyelashes.
He got them down to his shins.
They tickled his knees as he walked.

Fast Fish

Bolty was a fast fish.
Named after Usain Bolt, you see.
The other fish were very impressed with how fast Bolty moved.
Demands for Bolty to do Usain Bolt's iconic pose grew amongst the shoal.
But Bolty couldn't do that,
The anatomy of a fish didn't allow for such dynamic motions.
They began to turn on him.
It's unclear how the fish knew of Usain Bolt.

Hitchhiking

A hitchhiker got in a car going in the wrong direction.
He didn't want to seem ungrateful,
So he stayed in there for several hours.
He found himself sitting on the car owner's driveway,
A bit uncomfortable.

Farming

A farmer plunged Cadbury Dairy Milks into his fields.
He dusted them with the finest bee-killing pesticides,
And sloshed them in manure.
The yield was disappointing.

Rejection

Linda Resume included rejection letters with her CV.
Nice to have some control over her life.

More Arms

Godrick dug up some bodies.
He thought that was fine because no one was using them anymore.
Fair enough really.
Anyway, he cut the arms off and grafted them to his body.
This didn't work as he had anticipated.
They sat limply instead of feeding him biscuits.

Tough as Leather

A poor man needed some new shoes.
He had eaten the old pair to stave off starvation.
But he couldn't afford any new shoes.

Keep Scrolling

Juliet spent much of her time scrolling through the lives of other people.
You know, on popular social network services such as Instagram.
Robert worried he bored her.
On the plus side,
He was pleased she hadn't yet commented on his hideous face,
Nor his awful personality.

Regular Person

A regular person,
Got on with his regular old life,
Until something astonishing happened.
A brief rush of adrenaline,
Then back to the old life.

Fun with Bowls

John, a fully grown adult,
With a head and eyes and hands and legs,
Found himself perched at a table.
While there he set about having fun with a bowl.
He tried almost everything you could possibly imagine.
It seemed damn near impossible.
Then he flipped it upside down and put it on his head.
That went down pretty well.

Delia Smith's Pancake Recipes #2

Delia Smith returned.
She clubbed the door with a ladle.
Her lips pierced the letterbox.
"Pancakes!" blasted from the maw.
"Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!"
She'd plastered print outs of her recipes all over the house windows.
Extras appeared through the letterbox as her lips retracted.