Showing posts from October, 2021


A spider
Spent three days flirting with a Halloween decoration,
Before realising his mistake.

The Lost Treats

Paula loaded the house with sweets.
Children heard tell of this.
Her husband scoffed them all before the big night.
Paula only learned after she opened the door to some masked bandits.
They egged her and the house and the cat and also kicked over the bin.
Sweet wrappers fluttered out the door and scattered across the street.
Her husband cowered.
Paula was furious.
She made him go outside in his pyjamas and handle the mess.

A Witch and Her Cauldron

Some witch,
With her beaky nose,
And bony old fingers,
Rode to the shops on her broom and bought a cauldron.
When adoption agencies visit she'd throw a table cloth over it and try not to cackle.

Halloween with Vlad

Vlad bought some fake teeth and crept up on Mina.
She was caught by surprise and stabbed him through the heart with a stake (the stake previously served as a Halloween decoration).
Vlad stumbled to the ground and his canines fell out.
Mina felt very guilty this had happened.

Pumpkin Carving

Ordinary Wendy carved a pumpkin.
She spent hours on it.
Carefully scooping out the innards.
Sculping the features.
Juggling knives to suit the finer details.
Once it was complete she sat back and admired it.
She thought it looked beautiful,
Lacking only a body.
Wendy solved this with a beheading.
Suddenly Ordinary Clive was Less-Than-Ordinary Clive.
And perhaps also worth mentioning, dead.

Visiting the Neighbours

I went to visit my neighbours.
I tried to explain they'd sent me an invite last week,
That I expected to be fed.
They simply groaned at me.
After a while I established that they were now zombies.
I closed the front door for them and went to buy a ready meal.

A Clattering

A witch's broom fell over.
Probably caused by a gust of wind.
But she wasn't to know
So it made her jump.

Black Cat

A black cat
Ate a rat
And saw a bat
And another cat.


Willy bought some new deodorant.
He applied it before his date.
Held his arms aloft throughout.
Watched his date carefully.
Tried to establish whether she noticed.
Whether it was worth the price.

The German Poem

Hans met a German.
Then he remembered he was German.
Then he remembered he was in Germany.
So not that unusual, really.

Into the Lake

Daniel drove his car into a lake.
He tried to explain to the man winching it out,
And some divers who had gathered round,
How really the thing should float on account of the air in the tyres and such.
The men kept tutting and didn't really seem to be paying attention.


Janet rented an apartment/flat (delete where appropriate).
Well, that was being a little generous.
It was more of a closet/cupboard (ditto).
But it had a hot plate screwed to the wall
And if she was really careful
And kept the lids on her pans
She could sort of cook on there.

On Schedule

Roy couldn't swim,
But after weeks of stalking
He'd worked out the schedule of his favourite lifeguard.
He went to the local pool
Floundered for a while,
And ultimately was rescued by her.
Beyond that things didn't really work out and Roy ended up in prison.

Cavity Search

Steven Swallow
Got real hollow
And broke into a bank.
Once inside he gulped down lots of gold
And was too heavy to outrun the police.

Nail Biting

Edward bit his nails.
Suddenly he found himself addicted.
He began biting Alison's nails as she slept.
Alison woke and tried to scratch her head.
She missed the target owing to her shorter nails.
She looked over at Edward.
He snored, slathered in nail crumbs.

Two Pats

A woman
And Pat
A man
Got muddled and started going to each other's arrangements.
So Pat was going to football practice
And Pat was getting his nails done
And everyone was fine with that.
(Apart from Pat's manicurist who was appalled by the state of his nails and the amount of work it took to get them in shape, and she'd had enough of hearing stats for the Premier League's top players)

A Brief Summary of Political Events

Some of those Tory types (the absolute bastards)
Gathered round starving children and race horses and other things rich people like
And chuckled at the idea of being called scum.
They unlatched some fun new badges they'd affixed to their lapels.
Jabbed the pin parts into the kids and laughed ever so much.
Boris Johnson waddled about sloshed to hell and kept asking if any of the children were his.


Kirby ate his friends.
He dressed up as them.
Did their jobs for a while.
Then became bored with the whole thing.
He missed his friends.
He wished he didn't eat them.

Night-Time House

Abe bought a new house.
He turned it into one giant bedroom.
Abe rested in what was once the kitchen.
While it was now obviously a bedroom
The ordeal still felt a bit quirky.

Mario Guy

A guy who looked a bit like Mario (from the Nintendo)
Shaved off his moustache.
When he went to work the next day no one recognised him.
Everyone kept asking where the Mario guy had gone.

Sugar Coated

Nick coated himself in sugar.
He then informed his wife he'd slept with 46 women in the past week.
She was furious.
And Nick was very sticky
Because it was raining.

The Mistake

Mark went to Carpetright.
He started getting off with the carpets.
The staff came running!
He was getting it all wrong!