Showing posts from June, 2020


The mountain climber climbed a mountain
He was very tired and the air was very thin
He missed the thickness of the air below
The comfortable beds and the easily navigable inclines


Soldiers learned he wasn't suitable for the job after he sliced open sandbags to build sandcastles


Malcolm read the newspaper
He clipped out the words
Rearranged them into something more agreeable

Story Time: Albert's Summer Journey

Some saw it as a drab life. Albert never really had anything going on, nothing worth talking about anyway. He didn’t mind it so much, it was peaceful, he had all the time in the world to relax, it just didn’t make for the best conversation when people tried to talk to him.

Occasionally he’d pick up some new hobbies to fill the void. He had a brief stint as a magician, he was fully invested in that too, even bought a fresh deck of cards. That didn’t really turn into anything, the interest drifted away fairly quickly. The same thing happened with palming. No one really used coins these days, so it felt like even more of a waste of time. At least cards carried a bit of cachet in the community, everyone knew something special was about to happen when a magician pulled out a deck of cards.


Clive squatted over a Big Mac box
He unloaded while watching the other beach-goers
A pithy comment on the similarity of the contents followed
He whaled back onto a beach towel and resumed his day
His cerise skin crackles as he admires the ingenuity


Gumpert awoke to discover he was a puddle.
He had seeped deep into the mattress.
He poured out of bed and rained all over the carpet.


Pedro rode his bike
Showed off in front of practising children
Middle fingers aloft
Circling the parents
Pedro was a disgrace


Edwin went to work without any trousers on
It's what he became used to
The other employees tried to avoid sitting in the same seats as him
He thought they were great at social distancing


Manilow ate half a Twix then sat at his piano
He looked pensive, hands hovering above the keys
Had he eaten half a Twix or a quarter of a Twix?
Manilow broke down
His schnoz played a little tune as his head dropped


The singer had some very deep thoughts
He got on stage and sang about them
The words he sang were actually much lighter and masked the deeper meaning
He looked very pleased with himself as he honked into the microphone


Dilbert ignored government advice and held a full on part-ay in his garden.
A massive gazebo sat proudly in the centre and bunting zigzagged between the fences.
On arrival each new guest wore the same giant hat and coat.
Dilbert tried to sneak them in one by one as though they were the same person.
He whacked the vol. up to maximus to mask the talking.
Ultimately none of this helped.
It still looked incredibly suspicious and the police arrived twenty minutes later.


Jose Mourinho, one of the football managers, was having an absolute nightmare
He spent weeks printing up giant flags and ironing out creases and was looking forward to hooking them over the empty seats
But now he couldn't find the keys to his stadium anywhere and his wife just kept asking where he saw them last
And Ole Gunnar Solskjaer wouldn't stop calling asking for tactical insights


After months of Zooming Reginald and Delia finally went on their date.
Reginald had knocked up a couple of sticks to help with the distancing.
He'd stuck hooks on the ends and used them to release Delia's coat from her shoulders.
He pulled out Delia's chair with his hooksticks and knocked her back in place like a snooker ball.
He edged his way around the table pressing hard against the wall.
The ambience of the restaurant and the giant void between them made conversing difficult.
They screamed pleasantries and mimed rain and stuff like that.


Mystical Megan had to be honest with herself
She really struggled with the whole astrology thing during the lockdown
Her horoscopes were getting monotonous and her magical glass orb was offering up nothing
There weren't many new ways to tell people their lives were going to be a bit tedious


Hopper had been queuing outside Primark for three months
Staff finally peeled back the doors and Hopper climbed to his feet
He turned his t shirt into a mask and bounded around the store
Occasionally revealing his face to flirt with the displays
Unable to contain his excitement he began licking household items beneath the bright lights
He even started unhooking coat hangers and shoving their hooks deep into his gob
"You certainly don't lack lustre" he said to the clothing rails, incredibly pleased with himself

A Gathering of Coronavirus Poetry

As the first of the United Kingdom's lockdowns draws to a close, I thought it might be time to gather together some of the poems I've written on this wonderful journey. Looking at the giant list I am quite perplexed as to where to start or how to organise it. Quite frankly, it's a mess, but then so is everything surrounding much of the world's handling of the pandemic. I suppose it's quite fitting really - unfortunately the same can't be said for the flaccid pieces of cloth people are slapping over their faces.

One of the most exciting events during the lockdown life in the UK was the beautiful display of friendship between Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings, and his trips to exotic destinations such as Barnard Castle. I captured a brief glimpse into those moments, along with the delights of travel, in poetry, like any good poet would. These have been collected below, plus a few other pieces celebrating a return to work.

Remember, COVID-19 (a coin toss of capitalisation), the coronavirus, or whatever it is you've decided to name the virus, still ravages the world, but the shops are going to open up again, so it's probably fine. Boris Johnson has said it will be fine, and he hasn't put a foot wrong yet.


Pumpernickel and Sizzler arranged to meet up in John Lewis
They sought out the narrowest aisles and walked down them together
Occasionally they would brush against one another
Pumpernickel would occasionally hold items for a while before placing them back down
Sizzler would rush and pick them up soon after
Taking deep breaths of Pumpernickel's scent


Repulsive pink mass
Vomits out anthem
Bravely defending irrelevant object


Boris was absolutely fuming
He clomped around whirling his arms at anything that dared get in his way
Words spilled from his mouth and his staff were picking them up and trying to piece them together
They think he might be upset that he isn't boxed up with Churchill
He seemed to be demanding a box next time too


Sir Tony Actor and his somewhat famous buddies received a script
The gormless celebrities smeared their faces across the camera lens and read some words aloud
They all looked very sad as the words squeezed from between their lips
The script confirmed just how much responsibility they take and how guilty they felt about things
My feet sloshed in the ankle deep puddle of tears surrounding me

Luís Vaz de Camões

The one-eyed poet struggled with his work
He fumbled around trying to connect pen and paper
His ideas vanished as he jabbed his arms and legs and desks with the nib of his pen


Queen Lizzo peeled her prince from the cupboard and rolled him into the garden.
The guards unfolded his legs and propped him up for a quick snap.
As the birthday trumpets howled the wind caught Phil.
The guards ran around helplessly, desperate to catch him.


Boris woke in the middle of the night and squeezed out the window
He was decked out in camouflage and hadn't even done his hair
He tumbled all the way to Parliament Square and clambered up to Winston's statue
He held Winston tightly and whispered deep into his ear promising nothing bad would happen again
Boris offered a cigar to Winston's lips and gazed into the distance, trying his best to emulate the statue's pose


George's arms ached terribly
His entire day was spent clubbing people and lobbing gas grenades and no one seemed to be appreciating it
George decided to write himself a dozen or so letters of admiration and shoved them through his letterbox
His bloated face formed a self-satisfied grin and he puffed out his armoured chest as he carefully read through the lot


A gardener finally returned to his local garden centre
He felt overwhelmed by the vast quantities of pansies
Their sent pierced his mask and he struggled to breathe
He became faint and dizzy and staggered around trying to find his footing
He was grasping at the pansies but the petals just peeled away
He collapsed into the collection of gnomes and concrete lions
There were so many pansies


Donald Trump perched in bed watching television and scrawling on his map
Crayons spilled from his pencil case as he reached for a new colour
He was drawing big walls around the well segregated regions of America
Donald smiled at his picture and stroked it gently
He stared at the television lady and imagined holding it proudly for her in the morning


Cumslap caught a waft of some exciting news
The lads were leaking and coughing it up all over his puriri boxes
He dusted off the Ray-Bans and trusty white cane and slapped his AA Road Atlas of Great Britain on the kitchen table
He whipped out a pink highlighter and started marking new routes to travel as he planned another holiday


"Look at me, aren't I brilliant?"
The award-winning multi-millionaire actor pecked at his keyboard and posted a screenshot of his latest one hundred dollar donation
He stared smugly into social media and basked in the glory


The footballers had managed to outrun the coronavirus after reports it was scared of sports and were all excited to be back
They'd got bin bags over their legs and were showing off their jazzy footwork as the bags rustled around
The men who were going to take the throw ins also had to wear bin bags on their arms
Every time one of them touched the ball they had to run to the side of the field and have their bags replaced
And the crowds were silent because they didn't exist
But boy, the footwork was jazzy


Rory Mints ordered a bunch of baguettes and croissants and laid them throughout the house.
He insisted his housemates wear berets and speak with French accents.
He pressed his face against printouts of French countryside and admired the views.


Parents drove by the school and launched their rainbow children from the car windows
The tyres squealed into the distance
They had celebratory lattes to attend
The teachers had flipped over their desks and were hiding behind them
The children were picking their noses and licking their hands and their desks and things like that
Occasionally the parents would complain about having to pick up their children in five hours