Showing posts from August, 2022

Crown Jewels

I stole the Crown Jewels from Queen Elizabeth II.
She wasn't with them at the time.
Then I returned them without anyone noticing.


A group of snowboarders,
Tried snowboarding in less than favourable conditions,
(No snow)
Their boards got scratched on the concrete or whatever was beneath them.
They left unfulfilled.


I bought myself some sunglasses.
The big summery sort that people wear when the sun's out.
I slapped them across my aching eyes,
Balanced upon my sweat laced nose,
As you'd expect.
I departed the store, shoulders back, proud as could be.
Immediately rain slathered the lenses.
This was damn near unbelievable.


An entire family stretched itself across the walkway.
It was hard to believe families still exist these days,
But it is what it is.
I aimed for the smallest of the bunch and picked up the pace.
Declared myself Moses.
The resulting celebrations barely existed.
In fact, I seemed surrounded by anger.
I barely even expect mentions of it in some grand old tomes at this point.


I strapped Converse to my feet,
Walked for miles upon miles.
My feet formed into an ocean,
Felt like treading in the sea,
But painful.


Joss was convinced clothing companies were altering sizing labels.
That's just the sort of thing they'd do
In this climate,
With this government.
He cut them out and stitched in some of the old mediums.
Things felt better after that.

Attempted Murder

Steve attempted a murder.
On release he gave the scheme another try.
The judge expressed his disappointment.
Told him to stop doing that sort of thing,
To learn from his mistakes.

Healthy Eating

Bowser decided to eat more healthily.
That would be one apple before his trip to McDonald's.


"Watch your step there, big man"
There was nothing.
Jean Cartwright liked to engage with people this way.


Nick waxed himself.
He was as slick as could be.
Geraldine struggled for traction.
She flew off and cracked her head open on the wall.


Jim, with a full head of hair,
Dated a tall woman.
His reasons for this were broadly some concerns he might go bald,
So she was a sort of baldness canary, I suppose.
Ultimately Jim hoped she'd be shallow enough to care about that sort of thing,
That she'd leave him at the first sign of patchiness.
After that there wasn't much else to the plan.


A very sweaty man
Whose name was something like Marcus
Was busy remonstrating with a few police officers.
So moist was he
That the police refused to believe
He wasn't hiding an operational hosepipe under his clothes.


I sat in a rather menacing chair.
It diminished my imposing appearance.
Minions began to ignore my orders.
The chair sapped my anger.
My minions remained blind to me
Enamoured by the chair.

Lego House

Dave applied for a job at a construction company.
Once that was in the bag he loaded up his brand new van with Lego.
Drove to the building site.
He'd spend the time at work knocking up all sorts of rubbish.
When anyone complained he'd just hold up the bricks and sort of shrug.
The other builders couldn't work out what to make of that.
Eventually they joined in.
Eventually no one had any homes to live in.


Flint would reverse into Kerry's car.
This was one of his ideas.
Kerry was, it's fair to say, quite the looker.
He needed to know she had his details.
This could be his only chance.


A man without a mullet cut his hair into a mullet.
His wife informed him she'd be seeing other people until the situation resolved itself.
His career took a turn for the worse too.


One ear sent to my love,
Would that be enough?
Upon further consideration I realised this would cause quite some pain.
Not to mention the mess.
Instead I sent along a nail clipping,
Taped to a short note.


The rubbish lady scoured the aisles.
"Rubbish please."
Her eyes burrowed deep into my depleating Coke.
"Rubbish please!"
I chugged down the lot.
Burped uncontrollably into her bag.
Apologised for the delay.


Comparing things to other things.
And then more things to some things.
A means to an end.