Showing posts from January, 2022

Convenience Store

A vampire moved to the big city.
He liked it because the shops stayed open later.
This made buying groceries much more convenient.
There were no longer lengthy waits for the winter months to arrive.

Marrying a Murderer

Alan Alcatraz,
As it turns out,
Had accidentally married a murderer.
This was discovered at a rather inconvenient time,
Somewhere quite close to when his body seemed excessively perforated.

Under the Sea

Scooby Diver,
A man with very sensitive eyes,
Was too scared to open them under water.
As a result he missed the woman of his dreams swimming below.
He missed as she looked up at him,
He missed as she smiled and beckoned him forth.

The Banksy

Manuel Overcoat fell asleep externally,
On some bench in a random street somewhere.
Banksy arrived and slathered the poor guy in graffiti.
Manuel's mother replaced her son with a replica and sold off the original.

The Caterpillar

Colin the Caterpillar,
A highly trained spy,
Infiltrated the government.
He would observe his surroundings,
Upload his memories,
Exfil through consumption,
And be born anew by talented craftsmen.

Party On

Boris was standing (barely),
Trousers at his ankles,
Chugging Stella from a police helmet.
He slapped it back on the constable's head and the Met cheered!

Prison Poetry

A criminal felt very guilty.
He broke into a jail and just started living there.
After some time the guards realised what was going on and arrested him,
Then didn't really know what to do.
Eventually they moved him to a different cell.
One he'd have difficulty carrying his belongings to.


Mavis stole some perfume from Boots,
So she could smell nice when she burgled Travis later,
Just in case.

Perilous Weight Loss

A somewhat portly individual went on a diet.
Eventually he'd lost so much weight that his trousers fell down in public.
He set to work on a stash of Mars bars.
This couldn't be allowed to happening again.


A man bought a gun to protect himself.
Then of course he got shot by that very same gun.
This seemed like something worth considering,
But by the time that mattered he found himself to be dead.


Boris Johnson (coincidental) pounced on his staff.
He whipped away a suitcase laced with wine
And charged for the front door.
"I'm off to me lions!" he slurred, pointing in the vague direction of Nelson.
Backbenchers tugged on his belt as he hauled himself towards Trafalgar Square.
Trousers tumbling to his ankles.
Union Jack boxers barely covering his crack.
Chubby middle fingers casting shadows down The Mall.

The Man

Joan's date ended with her paying the bill.
She was rich and modern and fine with that sort of thing.
Willy however, was desperate to prove his worth.
He kept trying to punch the taxi driver,
His fist crunching against the acrylic screen.

Car Collection

Robert's date was a robot,
He was sure of it.
He bounded up Regent Street,
All the way to Hamleys.
His date shuffled awkwardly while awaiting her soup.
Eventually Robert returned with a bag of Hot Wheels.
He dumped them on the table and demanded she pick out the vans.
It was at this point his date got up and left.
"I knew it!" screamed Robert.
Cars flew through the restaurant.


Ronald stole some old guy's walking stick.
Oh how he laughed.
But then the old man complained,
Which made Ronald feel sad.
So he went about stealing another walking stick.
This time wearing earplugs.

Doubling Up

Alan invested in a second washing machine.
He anticipated halving laundry time.
Could you imagine?
Half the time!
He loaded the units and watched them whirl away.
Anticipation built.
He chugged a glass of water to calm down.
Found himself swishing the liquid round his mouth,
Emulating the motions of the machines.
After some time the appliances came to a still.
Alan set to work unloading.
Joyously slapping moist clothes on racks.
About half way through this process
Alan found himself running low on drying zones.
And he found a growing sense of disappointment from within.
A pile of wet clothes remained.
A damp scent soon filled the air.

A Poem About Sleeping - Phoenix

I find myself in bed,
Staring at the ceiling.
I find myself in bed,
Staring at the wall.
This is much more comfortable.
I shall get back to you.
Woke too early.
No alarm to greet me.
I stretch,
Shove the window open.
Birds audible.
Mind is blank,
Another night survived.


Some people went out for the evening.
When they got to where they were going they sat down and ate food and drank drinks.
As the day grew darker they began to consider heading home.
Suddenly this couple remembered they had a child.
They attempted to steer their bodies home as quickly as possible,
But it took longer than expected because they couldn't keep a straight line.
Finally they made it home and discovered their child dead on the couch.
At least that's what they thought until they gave her a little shove and she woke up.
They began to feel a little better but it still ruined the evening.

The Good Banker

A particularly nice banker,
Who goes by the name of Kenneth Lozenge,
Went for strolls during his lunch breaks.
One time he came upon a starving beggar.
An incredibly shaggy looking chap,
With wayward hair and a patchwork coat.
Kenneth drew some cash from his pocket and began to eat it.
And then he farted in his bag of Pret.

Secrets of the Weekend

Gary and Barry's children,
John and Penny,
Would meet on weekends.
It wasn't a particularly romantic time,
John and Penny hated each other.
It was Gary and Barry getting up to no good.

On the Ice

Jeremy engaged in combat on an ice rink.
His frozen toes struggled for traction.
Swings at opponents whiffed.
They laughed as he tumbled upon the ice.
His hip hurt.
This was far from Jeremy's finest hour.


A very silly man,
Put on some silly little shoes.
They exploded when he walked,
Because they were too small.