Showing posts from March, 2020


Handy Andy bulk ordered paint
He'd coated the same room thousands of times
His friends were tired of constantly being called over for the big reveal
The walls were very heavy
They could barely even squeeze in at this point


Angus Walker sat watching programmes about farming
The possibilities were causing a stir
He slapped on his hiking boots and charged around the house
The plastic cows once dotted throughout were now herded onto the kitchen counter
He tugged a carving knife off a questionably secured magnetic strip and hacked away
Desperate to retrieve the steaks within


Colbert was squeezing his member under the door and encouraging Vivian to touch it
Vivian stamped firmly on his chap and demanded he reel it back in
Colbert waddled back to his bed while Vivian ran her nurse boots under some soapy water
She was enjoying the minutiae of it all


The night was spent gathering a payload of tarantulas
It was time to extort the local businesses
Vast quantities of money were demanded
Lest these creatures be unleashed upon them


Hannibal sat grinning in his gazebo.
He'd ordered it off the internet after becoming tired of his family.
It was decorated with a deckchair and two soap filled bowls.
Hannibal sloshed his hands deep into the bowls and leaned back in his deckchair.
He felt invincible.


Vivian and Colbert were engaging in role play
Vivian wore a nurse costume and quarantined Colbert to the bedroom for two weeks
She would occasionally knock on the door and ask how he was doing
Colbert struggled to feign enthusiasm for the scenario


Hag had her eyeballs squashed against the window
Almost certain the same girl had walked by earlier today
After fingering her collection of Polaroids Hag pulled out the rotary
The constabulary would be hearing about this


Angus Walker thought about the pizzas he'd buy on the way home
He looked awfully glum as he ordered one instead
The delivery driver was instructed to shove it through the letterbox
The flap scraped the topping off!
Angus spent about an hour retrieving dollops of meat and cheese with a butter knife


Sputnik sat on his computer watching videos
Tutorials about tying knots on YouTube
He got a length of string and followed along
His fingers got all tangled up!
He couldn't operate the mouse to rewind and figure out where he'd gone wrong!


Angus Walker got trapped indoors
He pulled on his hiking trousers and paced around the house trying to reenact his adventures
There were tiny plastic cows dotted about and he charged up some old phones to play ambient sounds
He pressed his head against the carpet and got really close to one of the cows
He imagined how big it would be and started to moo

Social Distancing

Agnes spent her day coughing directly into envelopes.
Writing "surprise!" inside and sending them off to her friends.
She'd slather the seals with an extra damp lick.


Dandy spent the day organising his shelves
He re-organised them the day after that
Dandy was very pleased with how his shelves were looking
He plopped into his beanbag with a smile and prepared for the days ahead

Stocking Up

Trindy went to the shops and bought everything in sight
Her shopping cart was so heavy it started to creak
Tiles were cracking and the casters splayed out under the weight
The whole thing was starting to look quite unstable
She smashed her forehead against the handle bar
She forgot her reusable shopping bags!


An astronaut was encountering so many aliens he had to start giving them all nicknames
There was beaky, slaphead, tubs, fatso, and lardarse
He was pleased so many aliens were rotund, it helped with his lack of imagination
The astronaut thought it was hilarious
That was until the aliens started learning English
He noticed they were beginning to treat him differently at monthly meet ups and things


"Five?" he said "surely four is plenty!"
He continued to question the number
"Surely four"
"Four seems like more than enough"
Observers concluded more than four would not be accepted


Bog would eat a single sheet of toilet paper every hour
He thought about it working through his body
His organs felt awfully clean


Beardy grew a beard

His nickname was a major factor in the decision

He enjoyed knowing it finally made sense

That it would no longer need explaining to people


He ate one fudge

Then he ate another

Before he knew it his life was spiralling out of control

He found himself kicking in the doors to the local supermarket

Wondering where things had gone wrong

Theft of Peanuts

Reece pecked ferociously at the dead bird

He knew the peanuts stolen from a public house would not last forever

A neighbouring cat judged from a nearby window


Bog was stealing all of the toilet rolls and hiding them in his bedroom.
His nights were spent silently pulling apart the perforations.
Their disappearance was occasionally brought up in the house's group chat.
"What's a toilet?" Bog would promptly reply.
Hoping it was throwing them off the scent.

Colbert's Leather

Colbert's latest supply of leather bedroom attire was delivered to his neighbour

Vivian refused to collect it for him

Colbert sent several panicked emails to the store querying the subtlety of their packaging

Excuses were practised in the mirror

He repeatedly implied the website was only used for leather care wipes


A tourist noted the inconveniently high statue

He craned his neck all the way back

A stiff breeze blasted against his gullet

The Long Drive

Colbert and Vivian were driving home

Vivian shoved Alanis Morissette into the cassette player and started singing about high feyaves and things

Colbert was trying to ignore the chafing and restrictive nature of the seatbelt

It was all getting too much

Becoming a Bounty Hunter

Tony became a bounty hunter

He hated the unpredictable hours

And he strongly disagreed with the majority of the murders

He missed his office job

Including his pen holder and various other objects on his desk like the hole punch

He started to return his contracts with appropriately named chocolate bars and hoped they'd let him off the hook

It was a decision that didn't go down particularly well with the bounty hunting community

Man in the Mirror

A man searched everywhere for monsters

And then he saw the mirror

It felt very meaningful

Tears drizzled down his face

He felt so incredibly deep

Sneeze from God

God was caught out by a surprise sneeze

People down below seemed very confused

Today's rain was awfully thick and green


The husband informed the wife he thought they should see other people

She pointed out that she sees plenty of other people at work so there's no need

Her husband wasn't sure how to respond

He kind of just accepted the answer and asked what was on TV instead

Neighbourhood Watch

A shrivelled bean presses her nose against the window

There's a new car on the road

Her eyeball scrapes against the glass

And it's parking in Albert's spot


I told my girlfriend she could have anything she wanted

As long as it came in under 75p

The sweet aisle had never been so thrilling

Seeing the Sights

Angus Walker walked south for what felt like days

He passed sheep (100% wool) and cows (100% steak and ale pie)

He was enjoying the sounds of cars on a distant motorway

And the swishing of his trouser legs

Master of the Blade

He claimed to be a swordsmaster

No one knew what tests to run to prove he wasn't

He would occasionally whirl his sword around and finger his jaunty hat