Showing posts from November, 2023


To avoid being overshadowed by his steed,
A knight bought a mule,
And went to pick up his princess.


Samuel Sung got stuck in a lift.
Or an elevator if you prefer.
He laughed at the term shaft.
This irritated the others in the lift/elevator.
They told him to calm down,
Stop stealing all of the oxygen.
'Calm down?' he guffawed,
'That'll take some doing with a shaft like this!'
Anyway, they all survived.
He didn't make any friends.


Harry loaded his bath with Matey.
Sloshed around in anticipation.
Wondered if anyone would be interested in what he was up to.


Gordon started leaving rocks in the Natural History Museum.
Added 'curator' to his CV.

Baked Beans

John made a meal.
Baked beans.
Romance was bolstered by the inclusion of a little extra salt,
And a tealight.


Julia got married.
Daniella got married.
Vinny moved to America.
That didn't work out.
Vinny got married.


Mike was explaining the rules is cricket to his girlfriend.
With the aid of the usual suspects,
Salt shakers and the like.
She'd told him to shut the fuck up at least ten times now,
But, rather tragically,
A few key details were sinking in.

Meal Time

Gordon perched on his stool.
Unravelled his cookie.
Unlatched his mouth.
And there they were again.
Victoria's lips,
Slathering over his shoulder.


There's a train.
I'm on it.
Nature does its thing through the windows.
I observe.
A ticket inspector arrives.
Not from illegal activity,
I would never be so bold,
But the ticket only exists on my phone.
This one.
The one I'm writing with.


I tried to wrote a poem,
I tried really, really hard.
I looked at the ceiling,
Then back down to my card,
Which was actually paper,
Which was actually a keyboard,
But keyboard doesn't rhyme with hard.
Nor does paper.


Susan bought a cat costume.
Climbed a tree.
Got in touch with the local fire brigade.


The washing up became unwieldy.
Plates piled to the ceiling.
Scattered across the worktops too.
There was nothing else for it,
I doused the lot in petrol,
Threw on a match.


Stan spent so long arranging,
And more importantly,
Panicking about his travel arrangements,
That he forgot to make any plans for his holiday.
So he spent a large chunk of it sitting in his hotel room,
Occasionally checking for local supermarkets.


Ash realised he had two hands,
One dramatically underutilised.
He resolved this by ordering an extra toothbrush,
An extra hairbrush,
And various other examples of things that only require one hand to operate.
Started shaving minutes off his morning preparations.


Mary bought a little lamb,
So she'd fit in with the nursery rhyme.
It grew,
As lambs do.
Became inconveniently large, really.
She ended up gluing its wool to a cat and just eating the leftovers.


Bungle fell over.
He stayed there for a while.
A good six hours.
Long enough to make it look deliberate.
Stood up,
Dusted himself off,
And went about his day.


It is dark,
I see nothing.

Horror Poem

Fred died in a horrific fashion.
To an evil beast with evil claws,
Clawing at him,
His flesh giving way to the claws.
Blood ejaculating onto the claws and fur and teeth of the creature.
The beast carried off its victim (Fred),
With blood drenched claws and fur and teeth.

The Day After Halloween

'Twas the day after Halloween,
John had been keeping track,
Tallying up the children.
A disgraceful amount.
Some enquiries were made.
Pest control was unwilling to help.