Posts

Showing posts from December, 2020

Sync

New Year's Eve.
Chris was on Zoom forcing everyone to sync up their clocks.
One of them couldn't figure out the buttons on his watch and suggested it wasn't really that important.
Chris flipped out.
Insisted they hold their wrist up to the camera.
Google launched confetti all over his screen as he searched for instructions.

Mint

In preparation for his date Jackson crunched on mints for a full week.
His jaw ached, it felt endless.
He anticipated breathing in Gertie's face.

Cave

A fat lad sat between two women.
The bench caved under his weight and they fell on him.
He cracked a brilliant joke.

Monday

"Bank holiday Monday!"
Willard slapped his wife out of sheer excitement.
"Bank holiday Monday!"
She didn't like to be woken up this way.
7am and he was charging through the house blurting this rubbish out.

Reveal

Charlotte was entertaining her parents.
Mark chipped in.
"Check this out!"
He swung open his trench coat to reveal a collection of hardcore pornography.
Charlotte told him to pack it in.
Said it wasn't appropriate at the dinner table.

Cancelled

Gareth spent all night carving through the leftovers.
He had, to be fair, planned for several guests.
He held conversations with himself,
Wore all of the party hats,
Read out the cracker jokes.
Eventually he flopped out of his dining chair.
Fell asleep on the cool kitchen tiles.

Speech

The Queen sat down at her desk.
Fiddled with the papers a bit.
The cameras turned on and she immediately shat herself.
"What a pisser of a year" she said.
She peeled her arse off the velvet chair and waddled to the royal bog.

Christmas Poetry Collection 2020: A Transcript

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas! As if the greeting wasn't enough of a giveaway, it is I, Santa Claus. I bring you the gift of festive poetry, collected.

I, Santa, sit ensnared in a particularly Christmassy concoction of fairy lights and tinsel. A disaster of a delivery (as yet incomplete), has occurred. The halls were perhaps a little too well decked. I can hear Rudolph clacking away on the roof, and my elves appear to be panicking due to the length of time I’ve taken. We’re under strict orders though, only Santa can enter. Coronavirus and all that. Now if you’ll give me a second, I think I can wriggle my hand down to my pocket, and... yes! I’ve a poem for you.

Here we go.

An elite squad of elves was in training.
They were now capable of disinfecting Santa in under two seconds.


Ho ho ho! A brilliant piece of work there. Hold on a minute, another’s pasted itself to my festive insulated handwear.

Father Christmas was up on the roof.
Mrs. Claus and the elves had devised a new training regime.
The lockdown hadn't been kind, not with The Claus's diet.
He waddled across the snow glazed slate, listing from left to right, ho ho-ing with every step.
He clambered into a chimney.
The elves lubed up his expansive frame.
They pulled out plungers and tried to prod him down to ground level. 


I must admit I was hoping to keep my methods a secret, but the fall of the poems, like the tumbling of beautiful white Christmassy snowflakes, can't be controlled. As I speak I'm currently attempting to eel my way out of this entanglement. I wonder, edging towards a candle filled table this family irresponsibly left lit, is the lubricant and disinfectant I’m constantly being doused in flammable? I hope not.

The Merry Christmas Ambulance arrived.
It was filled with the usual ambulance gear, but now with a festive slant.
Christmas songs played in place of sirens.
And bells jingled from the wing mirrors.
The medics were struggling to carry their patient (heart attack) in the tinsel hammock they'd constructed.


Free at last. That took longer than anticipated, and I hope you enjoyed the poem I just slid back into my big red and white jacket. The old sack this year is feeling a little light. We’ve run into multiple hurdles with the production lines.

Some of the elves lost the lists of children.
Santa went berserk.
Fuming about how it might be reported in tomorrow's newspapers.


I’m not so sure about the accuracy of that one. Let’s try another.

Santa fed the reindeer as he trudged through the snow.
His toes were very cold.
Rudolph chewed through his boots and every single pair of socks he owned.
Santa had a solution.
He sought the aid of elves and asked them to knock him up a new pair.
"Some insulated, steel-toe wonders."
The chief elf fiddled with a bell on his uniform and tried his best to let Santa down gently.
"The backlog's humongous this time of year" he said.
"It'll be two weeks before we have a gap in the schedule."
Santa's cheery visage turned to one of rage.
He grabbed the elf.
Launched him through the gingerbread desk partition.
"There's your ruddy gap" he shouted from behind a big bushy beard.


Again.

Santa was furious.
"You twerps are completely useless!"
The elves were struggling to meet demands (PlayStation 5, etc.)
Several of them wept as Santa raged on.
One daubed his tears onto a child's list.


Listen. They deserve it, okay. The little bastards wander around jingling everywhere with those stupid little bells, I’ve had enough of it. They string the bloody things around my reindeer too. Absolutely unbelievable. They can't even help out inside the house this year. What's the point even having them around?

Now I’ve gone and done it haven’t I? As per, I began planting a selection of presents beneath the Christmas tree. This time, however, I went and clonked the bloody thing over. Still not used to those extra pounds, and of course, absolutely no early warnings from the elves. I really don’t have time to deal with this. I need to get them vaccinated ASAP.

John planted his Christmas tree upside down.
He went ahead with the decorations anyway.
Convinced it would look a bit less obvious with the star on top (bottom).


Right then, Santa to elves, it’s time for extraction. They’re still somewhat useful. I just tie this rope around my waist and up I go! Well, not as smooth as I’d hoped, all things considered. I appear to have snagged on the brickwork. Perhaps if I just unhook my jolly black belt and…

"They don't call me Saint Knickerless for nothing!"
A drunken Santa wobbled half naked to the music.
Mrs. Claus tried to shield the elves with a baking tray.
The gingerbread men screamed.


Sleigh’s lined with a towel, Santa’s back baby! Rudolph, Blitzen, Dasher, the lot of you, away we go! As we flutter into the snow filled night sky (which, I might add, is pounding away at my face, and creating some particularly chilly formations in the leg region), I shall leave you with one final festive family gathering.

The Christmas bubble was in full effect.
Uncle Gerry wanted to try that trick with the sword and the bottle.
(For some reason he carried a sword.)
He got on with it, ran the weapon up the stem of the booze.
The bottle shattered and shards of glass hurled toward Uncle Lloyd.
Aunt Helen's head whipped clean off with the wayward blade.
Aunt Miriam observed that at least she was producing a Christmassy colour.
Things started to get a bit heated.
Uncle Lloyd shared some disagreeable opinions about certain races.
We all tried to have a good laugh about it anyway.
This is what being in the Christmas bubble was all about.


That’s your lot for poetry, I need to get back to concentrating on the deliveries, but of course it’s not all that’s been written about me. There’s loads of it from this month alone on the website, of which I have no affiliation. Go and have a look. 

Stack

Gareth just heard the news.
He was stuck in tier 4 and Boris had cancelled Christmas.
He stacked up his presents and set fire to the lot of them.

Missing

Darius was curled up in a box under the Christmas tree.
He'd been there for a week.
He heard Helen (his wife, named) calling the police,
And sobbing as she spoke to her family.
Darius considered revealing the surprise early.
It all felt a bit awkward now.
He thought it best to wait things out.

Chew

A Christmas moth lovingly chewed 'Merry Xmas' into a jumper.
Before Elizabeth spotted this she'd pasted the creature against a wall.
Later she had mixed emotions.

Scream

"They don't call me Saint Knickerless for nothing!"
A drunken Santa wobbled half naked to the music.
Mrs. Claus tried to shield the elves with a baking tray.
The gingerbread men screamed.

Sack

A bandit caught Santa Claus hauling a giant sack of presents to his sleigh.
"Stick 'em up Sants" he said, wafting a gun in Santa's direction.
Santa chuckled which his traditional hos "you can't shoot me, boy."
The assailant pulled the trigger.
The bullet buzzed right through Santa.
Father Christmas slowly faded from view.
The shooter fell to his knees, tear drops filled his eyes and also fell out of them.

Beans

Prancer glared at Dasher and Rudolph.
They guzzled plate-fulls of beans.

Training

Father Christmas was up on the roof.
Mrs. Claus and the elves had devised a new training regime.
The lockdown hadn't been kind, not with The Claus's diet.
He waddled across the snow glazed slate, listing from left to right, ho ho-ing with every step.
He clambered into a chimney.
The elves lubed up his expansive frame
They pulled out plungers and tried to prod him down to ground level.

Stuffing

Mary threw the Christmas turkey out the window.
She expected a thankful gobble as it fluttered off into the frosty morn.
But, well, that thing had clearly been dead for a while.
The carcass was bloated with stuffing.

Twerps

Santa was furious.
"You twerps are completely useless!"
The elves were struggling to meet demands (PlayStation 5, etc.)
Several of them wept as Santa raged on.
One daubed his tears onto a child's list.

Wipe

An elite squad of elves was in training.
They were now capable of disinfecting Santa in under two seconds.

Bubbly

The Christmas bubble was in full effect.
Uncle Gerry wanted to try that trick with the sword and the bottle.
(For some reason he carried a sword.)
He got on with it, ran the weapon up the stem of the booze.
The bottle shattered and shards of glass hurled toward Uncle Lloyd.
Aunt Helen's head whipped clean off with the wayward blade.
Aunt Miriam observed that at least she was producing a Christmassy colour.
Things started to get a bit heated.
Uncle Lloyd shared some disagreeable opinions about certain races.
We all tried to have a good laugh about it anyway.
This is what being in the Christmas bubble was all about.

Advent

Every day Simon's advent calendar irritated him more.
"Twenty-four of you flappy little portals and I'm only allowed to open one?"
He stormed off to Tesco.
Would have slipped on some ice on the way but there wasn't any.
He bought twenty-three more advent calendars.
It was time to show them who's boss.

Mistletoe

There was mistletoe hanging from every inch of Susan's ceiling.
Christopher had been invited over.
Lips protruding, she took a running jump at him.
He dodged!
Susan dived face first into her print of Andy Warhol's Marilyn Monroe thing.
Paul McCartney leaked from some Bluetooth speakers.
He sang about simply having a wonderful Christmastime (awful song).
Christopher nodded along, tried not to make things too awkward.

Snow

Frosty heard some Christmas tunes.
He tried to dance a merry jig.
He had no legs.
His arms were stiff weighty twigs.
He felt very sad about the situation.
Eventually he melted.

Elf

Santa fed the reindeer as he trudged through the snow.
His toes were very cold.
Rudolph chewed through his boots and every single pair of socks he owned.
Santa had a solution.
He sought the aid of elves and asked them to knock him up a new pair.
"Some insulated, steel-toe wonders."
The chief elf fiddled with a bell on his uniform and tried his best to let Santa down gently.
"The backlog's humongous this time of year" he said.
"It'll be two weeks before we have a gap in the schedule."
Santa's cheery visage turned to one of rage.
He grabbed the elf.
Launched him through the gingerbread desk partition.
"There's your ruddy gap" he shouted from behind a big bushy beard.

Net

Robert pranced around with his big net.
He was bounding around some fantasy world or other.
There were rolling fields, big leafy flowers, rainbows, and such like.
He took one big swing and caught himself a fairy.
The fairy was pretty miffed about the situation.
Especially as Robert explained to her that she'd be getting skewered onto a tree.
She began begging him not to do that.
She didn't seem to care about Robert's excuses of tradition.

Decoration

John planted his Christmas tree upside down.
He went ahead with the decorations anyway.
Convinced it would look a bit less obvious with the star on top (bottom).

Tears

Boris slapped a Santa hat on Hancock's head.
Hooked baubles around his ears.
He ripped off Hancock's shirt and drew a target on his arm.
Boris clapped as he bounced around begging Hancock to cry while chanting about a vaccine.
Hancock jabbed at his eyes to check for water.
His fingers squeaked across the bone dry corneas.
His lips unfurled into a vile smirk as he chuckled at the sound.

Ambulance

The Merry Christmas Ambulance arrived.
It was filled with the usual ambulance gear, but now with a festive slant.
Christmas songs played in place of sirens.
And bells jingled from the wing mirrors.
The medics were struggling to carry their patient (heart attack) in the tinsel hammock they'd constructed.

Yule

Nick hauled out the yule logs.
He planted them in the centre of his yule table.
He lit some yule candles.
Ate some yule sandwiches.
Struggled to put out the yule fire that had somehow occurred.
Watched as his yule house burnt down.

Tail

Jeremy spotted a fellow motorist in the rear-view mirror.
A possible spy, no doubt.
He checked again.
Still there.
It was, to be fair to the other motorist, a lengthy one-way road.
And they had been stuck in traffic for the past five minutes.

Vaccine

Alex raided a vaccine truck.
He loaded himself with syringes filled with the potion.
Looked a bit like Pinhead.
Began rolling around on the road to squeeze down the plungers.
He stood up and roared in celebration.
But also some amount of pain.

Marriage

Susan tried to marry Christopher.
She sneaked up on him with a ring in one hand and a priest in the other.
She tried to slip the ring onto his finger without him noticing.
It was too small!
Christopher felt her trying to hammer the ring into place.
He also heard her swearing at the priest.
She told him to fetch some butter and get on with the proceedings asap. 

Success

A very successful man
Carved off another hunk of cheese.
He ate half.
Threw the other half away.

Frosty

Charles pulled on his coat.
Headed out into the frosty morn.
Realised he had forgotten the rest of his clothes.
Ran back inside.