Showing posts from May, 2023


Steph's friends organised a weekend of hiking.
Steph opted to wear a brand new pair of shoes.
Something to crumple her feet into painful balls.
Hopefully rip her heels to shreds too.
Half way through some dull field or other,
She collapsed,
Her fingers jutting towards the pulsating lumps at the ends of her legs.
The friends had to haul her home,
And Steph got to spend the rest of the weekend sitting in front of the TV.


A fish got tired of being wet all the time.
So it jumped out of its pond and went to live on the land.
Property up here was too expensive of course, so it couldn't find anywhere to live,
And because fish don't do well on land,
It died quite quickly.
News of the death never made it back to the pond.
The other fish didn't know what to think.


Bo learned how to play the spoons.
He'd use this talent to impress people at the dinner table.
He noticed glares from his wife.
And spoons seemed to stop appearing during meals.


Bill took up gambling,
It was a good daytime activity.
His nights began to feel empty,
So he took up crying to fill those.
The two pursuits seemed to complement each other.


I started chomping down a few slices of cheese before bed.
Hoping to spice up the old dreams a little.
Absolutely nothing of interest occurred.
I wrote a letter of complaint but wasn't quite sure who to ship it off to.
Eventually I opted for the Pope,
Recommended he forward it to the big guy for me.


I arranged a raid on a biscuit factory.
The workforce wouldn't pose much resistance,
It was old and frail.
They would crumble like the biscuits over which they preside.
The machines were deadly,
But easily avoided as they were immobile.
This should be a piece of cake.
Or similar phrase that includes the word biscuit.


Neil bought a sledgehammer off Amazon, I think.
He was so excited when he arrived that he immediately set upon his house.
The whole thing came down within a day,
And when he went to put it back together he realised he forgot to draw up plans on how to do that.
So he went back on Amazon and ordered a tent,
Which ended up being uncomfortable because all of the land was covered in uneven bricks and stuff.


Buck fell in love with a bear.
Despite numerous letters,
This love went unrequited.
Eventually buck trekked out into the forest,
Carrying some roses and a heart shaped box of chocolates,
As you do,
And offered these to the bear personally.
The bear tucked in.
First to Buck,
Which Buck wasn't too pleased about,
At least not for the brief period he was capable of comprehending events,
And then to the chocolates,
Which the bear didn't enjoy as much.

Dark Side

Darth Vader requested a penis be installed in his robot suit thing.
Emperor Palpatine sent a letter of rejection in return.
Reminded Vader of Padme,
And how disappointed she'd be that he even asked.
The Emperor felt the rage swell within Vader and did one of his evil smiles.
Luke Skywalker sensed waves of anger in the force and had some idea of what must be going on somehow.
He reached out in support but Grand Moff Tarkin or someone like that always intercepted his messages.

The Body Shop

A cannibal went to The Body Shop,
And left disappointed.
He considered a lawsuit,
But had concerns about the press.


Barny Bourbon awoke far too late for the day.
He adjusted all of his time pieces (clocks, watches, etc.)
Made his way to the office,
And acted a picture of shock and confusion when the time there did not align with his own.
He broke down,
Began to cry.
Colleagues tried to reassure Barny that everything would be ok.
He was given the rest of the week off by someone in HR probably.


Milton went to a department store.
He sought the most expensive couch and planted himself in the cushions.
Closed his eyes.
Imagined it was in his home.
How nice his haunches would feel on a daily basis.
And left to sit on his concrete.

Flag Man

Some dithery old man,
Had successfully celebrated his new king.
He wandered round London,
Shocked to discover that not everyone was dressed in a full union flag attire,
And sort of lost his mind a bit.
The next few days were a blur,
At the end of it all he found himself hoisted up a flagpole,
Trying to alert those guards in the silly hats that he was a real man,
And also asking which train he should be catching to get back to Norwich.


Janine slapped her letters down,
She was out-Scrabbling the lot of them.
Subtle celebrations ensued.
Her body began contorting into letters,
Forming the word 'victory'.
A chant ran alongside these motions,
Just in case the contortions went unnoticed.


Dennis shook hands with King Prince Charles.
Offered up a compliment too,
Said his stupid pink face would look wonderful with his stupid gold vestments.
King Prince Charles did that face he does, again.
Nodded in approval.