Showing posts from June, 2019


He knew all of the alphabet.
From A to the other one.
He'd just pick a letter out of the air.
Like F or something and then immediately say the one after it.
Everyone thought he was a bit of a tosser.


Let's have a look then

He said he wanted to have a look

He had a look and his face dropped instantly

It fell right off onto the dusty floor

He really regretted having a look


Chocolate melted between his fingers.
He felt bad for the starving children who couldn't enjoy chocolate.
He cried about it for hours.
There was so much water going to waste that he felt awful and couldn't stop.
He stored his tears in tupperware and shipped them to Africa.
Concerned about the plastics ending up in the ocean he scrawled 'sorry!' on it in fish language.


I rest my head upon a pillow.
Then I wait to fall asleep.
Then I fall asleep.
Then I am sleeping.


The man's moustache made him look like Hitler.
Oh it is Hitler.
The bartender asked Hitler to leave.
Hitler looked dejected but promptly vacated.
He didn't want to cause another fuss.


I caught the little bastard

The unexpected turn of events meant I didn't really know what to do next

While I hesitated he bit me and fled out the window

I smiled thinking about the moment we shared


I crossed the road at the zebra crossing.
I turned around and went back.
The driver looked angry.
I was letting the power get to my head again.

Twos: Bright

Bright light

Hurts eyes


Everyone said you have to believe in yourself.
Colton gave it his best shot.
He closed his eyes and imagined his flight.
For three seconds he really thought he had it.


I wave at the helicopter
It waves back
It waves back so fast that things get a bit competitive
I extend my arm and whirl as quickly as I can
It detaches and flies into the sky
My arm hits the startled pilot and he crashes into a nearby school field
Thankfully the children are in a class
I retrieve my arm and apologise for trespassing


It was nice when she spoke to him

But then she didn't speak to him

He thought he should come up with a plan

Hacking off a body part seemed like a good idea

Like that chap from history

Except he liked his ears and would rather keep them for himself

Eventually he cut his fingernails

He threw them in the bin having forgotten his earlier plan


He was an absolutely amazing walker

People looked on unimpressed by his pace

He was supposed to be running a marathon

Nothing could deter him from his magnificent stride


His stomach felt so full he was worried it might explode

He slashed it open to let some air out

His guts fell out making a right mess and his wife couldn't be bothered to clean it up again

Not after last time


He forgot all of his lines again

He was very good at acting like he meant to and pranced about the stage gleefully

The director lobbed the script at him and wished he'd just get on with it


The futuristic future man

Futured furturistically

He was very shiny and silver and he had a visor

That's how everyone knew he was from the future

Twos: Socks

Thick socks

Warm feet


She climbed to the top of the mountain.
Breathed the fresh mountainy air.
Then gazed upon the journey back down.
She hacked her legs off with a shovel and called mountain rescue.


The pen cap had been misplaced.
He fashioned a new one out of his nostril.
It was all going pretty well until he sneezed.


An actor decides to muck about in a desert

He digs around and moves some rocks for a bit

Then gets all sweaty and utters the name of a perfume

He cannot fathom why


An old woman crossed the road

Everyone thought it was adorable

She shuffled over to the driver who stopped to let her cross

He was proudly applauding her ability to be mobile

Then she smashed the driver's window with her walking frame and caved his head in

'I've been on this planet for 80 bloody years' she shouted 'bugger off'


It wasn't his typical Friday night

He poured out a glass of wine and turned on Sky Sports

Then farted so loudly he worried the neighbours might hear

If they inquired he'd be blaming David Seaman

That sounded like a name he had heard before

A thunderous sound reverberated around the apartment again

'Damn it David Batty!' he screamed

The plan was already falling apart


The nanny locked herself in the closet.
She knew she wasn't allowed to lock up the kids.
But no one ever said she couldn't hide in there.


He was a demon slayer

The prowess in lopping off demon limbs was very impressive

His gaze met an attractive demon lady

She had cracking horns

Choices made throughout his career he began to question

Laying down his sword he flashed a smile

The demon smiled back then licked her lips

His armour clanked as he legged it down the blood soaked flagstone corridor

Twos: Clown

Big stilts.
Tall clown.


She was weeping

Kneeling in front of her oven

The pie had exploded

It was leaking all over the tray below


Luke Skywalker's lightsaber wouldn't power on.
This disaster was occurring in front of the whole class.
Had Princess Leia stolen the batteries again?
Luke was finding the whole situation rather awkward.


A naked woman sat on a picnic blanket or something.
The men with her were not naked which seemed a bit strange.
But women look better naked anyway so it wasn't too much of a big deal.
The grapes and pastries had gone everywhere.


A small bird flew into a window.
It smashed itself to pieces and died.


Two diners gaze at one another

None of his anecdotes were landing, he suspected she thought he was a bit dull

But he didn't care, he had stolen a fiver from her purse while she was in the bathroom

He was going to treat himself to 10 postcards featuring the Queen on the way home


Walking by the grassy verge the man picked a blade of grass

He was giddy at the thought of helping the local council