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Showing posts from March, 2021

Sharpie

Wilson grasped his thickest Sharpie.
Scrawled a penis crudely upon his forehead.
The pub lads would think he still had some friends.
He anticipated some brilliant conversations.

A Mechanic's Plan

The mechanic's pickaxe arrived!
He oiled up some overalls.
Snuck out in the camouflaged attire.
Hacked away at the roads.
Cackled into the night sky.

Clearing the Passage

A whole armada.
Tugged away.
Trying for some sweet, sweet release.

Vaccination of the Ghost Population

Turns out ghosts could catch the virus too.
It was an absolute nightmare.
Governments hadn't been doing a ghost census, no one knew how many vaccines to order.
Hospitals trialled ghost only days.
Queues looked empty, which really irked the living pop.
Doctors had to assume ghosts were sitting in the vaccination chairs.
They sloshed vaccines where arms might be and hoped for the best.

Chicken Stop

A man rode the bus.
He got off at the next stop.
Picked up a can of chicken soup.
Got on the next bus.
Went home.

Telephone Calls and Conversations and Such Like

The phone rang.
"Hello, Mark speaking"
"Hi Mark, is Otto around?"
"Speaking"
Otto fondled the twisted telephone cable.
He basked in the confusion.

Men

The hag joined the slut and the crone.
They met on weekends.
Hashed out some similar nouns for men.

Swappers

Jonathan and Juliet met in the park.
They swapped masks.
Breathed each other in from a safe distance.
Jonathan had just switched to Colgate Advanced White.
He was feeling pretty confident.

Headdress

Joe returned his hat.
Oh, what could have been.
He'll never know.
He'll never live the life of a behatted fellow.

Boiled

Henry feared needles.
He boiled up his mask.
Seasoned it.
Ate it.
Tried to convince the doctors that was enough.
That he no longer needed the vaccine.

Alan Titchmarsh Gardening

Titchmarsh dug up his neighbour's garden.
Tried to explain it away as confusion.
Giggled as clonked through the gate.
Shovel still dripping with mud.

Car Maintenance

A mechanic forgot his spanners.
He gnawed away at the bolts.
Rusted, oily.
Horrendous on the palate.
Eventually he worked them free.
His jaw ached and his teeth felt terrible.

Curling

Rachel went for curling try-outs.
Her husband always complimented her broom work.

St. Patrick's Day

Marcus missed St. Patrick's Day.
Ruddy lockdown!
He needed to catch up.
Panic ordered bulk loads of green pigment from Amazon.
Dunked it in his drinks, threw it at the neighbours' pets.
Covered his whole house in the dust.
Even rubbed some into the grass.
Nothing was green enough!
He grabbed two fistfuls of the dye and got to work on his eyes.

Winter Shorts

Wenton wore his shorts.
His knees were cold.
The weather wasn't appropriate.

War

John declared war on Kenilworth Castle.
English Heritage staff were old and brittle.
They crumbled easily.
Victory!
He helped himself to some stale cake.
Unfurled a tea stained map.
Slapped it down on a café table.
Flicked open his Swiss Army Knife.
Jabbed it in Windsor.

Incantations

Susan had enough of her husband.
She decided to become a witch.
Learned incantations while he was out of the house.
Occasionally called him to confirm efficacy.
Hoped he wouldn't pick up.

Mother's Day Surprise

Dawn was shocked.
Her six-day-old baby somehow managed to fill out a Mother's Day card.
"She has your handwriting" Dawn observed.
She began questioning her husband.
Loaded the crib with pens and paper.
The manual dexterity just didn't seem to be there.

Timing

Barry Hudson gulped a whole glass of water.
Flicked on the stopwatch.
He'd never get caught out again.

The Perfect Man

Mary bought a dildo.
She loved it so much she carved it into the shape of a man.
Took it out on dates and eventually married it.

Chaise Longue

God got bored.
Lazed on his chaise longue.
He reached down and started noodling with the planet.
Flicked people off the Earth for a bit of fun.
Started with the ones in the mountains.
They were easier to reach.

Superman and the Klan

Superman got muddled and accidentally joined the KKK.
Lois was furious when he revealed the mistake.
Demanded he fly back and hand in the costume.
She wasn't even willing to hear out his arguments for how aerodynamic it felt.

Push

"What the fuck is that?" shouted James.
Dawn was screaming in pain.
"Where the fuck is the bird and all of that other shit?"
He was gagging, trying to hold back the vomit.
Trying to peel Dawn's fingers off his hand.

Saving the Planet

Scientists appeared on the television.
Boris Johnson was there too, still trying to make himself look as glum as possible.
They informed us we were getting too fat during lockdown.
Boris nodded in agreement, doing his best to hold his gut in.
Viewers started prodding at their bodies.
They seemed well aware of the situation and didn't really feel it needed to be brought up.
But it was way worse than anyone could have imagined.
Earth was getting too heavy and it was going to fall over unless we did something about it!
The government ordered everyone outside for daily runs.
No one was allowed to breathe while doing it, though.
I took to the streets,
Dodging the corpses of brave exerciseers who couldn't quite make it.
Lightheaded, I stumbled over a stray leg dangling out from the entrance to a house.
I staggered to my door.
Smashing away at it with the key.
Absolutely hopeless, I was too faint, I couldn't find the hole.
I shoved open the letterbox.
Thrust my gob deep inside.
Breathed in that sweet, sweet, fresh home air. 

Lockdown Party Day

Adults were informed it would soon be party day.
The government hatched plans to distract the covid.
They'd dangle children in front of it and have it chase them to school.
Once there men in hazmat suits would seal the lot up and adults would be allowed on the streets.
Everyone had to pretend it was just going to be a normal boring day though, otherwise it would all be cancelled.
People were already planning their outfits and ordering boomboxes online from Amazon while the children slept.
Houses filled with booze and grown-ups were messaging each other on WhatsApp talking about how they planned on getting hammered and licking absolutely everything.

Rabbit

Roaming the fields.
Wilson caught himself a rabbit.
He stamped the beast down into a tiny ball.
Brought the contraption home and hurled it at Lynn.
It cracked open to Wilson singing the Pokémon theme.
The rabbit oozed from the shell.

Style

Gary spent the lockdown learning a stylish new walk.
He looked forward to trying it out in town.

Lockdown Gatherings

A group of friends arranged to meet in a Sainsbury's.
They'd devised a communication system to throw staff off the scent.
"Where's my 250g Red Label?" said one.
"I think some extra mature cheddar might be in order."
The two chuckled.
Other members of the gang wandered clockwise through the aisles.
They were consulting their dictionaries.
Trying to decipher this mess.

Texas Unmasked

All the masks in Texas disintegrated.
They fired up their barbecue trucks and headed to the nearest parking lot.
Every single Texan yeehawed in to celebrate.
They taped oozing meats to their biceps and let the juices seep in.
Vaccinated at last.

Cremation

After learning his aunt died in a housefire,
Philip asked if they could get a discount on the cremation.

Ready

Mogg Slab was desperate to impress the queen.
He dug out an old sewing kit and loaded the needles into his arms,
Erected his blood soaked thumb and selfied the catastrophe.
Scrawled "ready your maj" across the screen with a marker.
Sent his phone off to Buck Pal.