Showing posts from August, 2023


Brian bought a tape measure.
Learned his house was too small.
Compared to all of the stuff he'd acquired.
He knocked through to the neighbours.
Said he'd be living there too.
And told them to keep off the furniture.

New Job

Wendy got an office job
Something to escape the family
To give her time to scroll through Instagram

The Seaman's Mast

A particularly horny seaman
Of colossal proportions
Wandered the deck of his ship
Unwittingly clubbing crew overboard with his erection

Definitely Happened

Brian May's hair collapsed
Yes him with the guitar
All of the volume gone from its arrangement
He cancelled performances
Spent thousands on shampoos to fix the problem
Told fans he hoped to be back on tour soon


I've got a new hat
Hat on my head
I've got a new cat
Cat in my bed
Where's my cat?
It's in my hat
My hat shrouds my cat
My cat stole my hat


Tony learned to play the tambourine
He was a prodigy of percussion
A master of the zills
Nobody respected Tony
He played the tambourine


Brian loved Anna so much he baked her a pie.
This was all she needed.
This rancid pie.
With this rancid person.


John ate his third breakfast of the day.
Another bowl of Shreddies shovelled in.
He struggled with keeping track of time.


Gary picked his nose.
He offered his findings to Julie.
No matter how much he compared it to mining for gems.
She didn't want them.


Marcus set about running up a hill.
Marcus set about running half way up a hill.
Marcus set about running a quarter of the way up a hill.
Marcus went home and ate a pie while thinking about the hill.


Geraldine held a party,
Realised the facilities were inadequate for the scale of the thing.
She started digging holes in the garden,
Urged guests to use those instead of the cupboards.
She didn't want to be scooping excrement out of the cupboards.
Not again.

Bad Influence

Chad decided to be a bad influence.
He got a job as a teacher.
Had the children sculpt bricks out of air dry clay.
Used his whiteboard to draw diagrams of objects penetrating windows.
And science class largely covered the construction of Molotov cocktails.

Off the Grid

Zark Thunderberg missed electricity.
He flipped on his phone's screen,
Two percent.
Quickly shut it back off.
Why had he bought this cave?
It was damp and cold,
And none of his extension leads reached down to it.


Bob checked the forecast.
Two days of sun!
He slipped into some sandals,
Stumbled towards Uniqlo,
And raided the shop for every summer item they had.
Then fled to the local ice cream parlour and demanded a sampling of each flavour on offer.


Alan grew his tomatoes.
On Thursdays he would go to the pub.
Invite women over to admire the tomatoes.
Send them away.
Alan loved his tomatoes.


Daryl invaded a birthday party.
He started saying 'thank you' as presents arrived.
Unwrapping the ones that looked a bit exciting.
And loading them into his big sack.

New Face

Bruce grew tired of his face.
He drew a new one on a paper bag.
One with a big smile.
Janet (his wife) showered him with compliments.
Loved the new look.
Said how much she was glad to be rid of the old one.
His expression turned sour beneath.


Edgar got deep into bantering.
He was calling everyone fat,
And ugly,
And just made general comments about clothing.


Brad tried to explain the situation.
That he'd just told his friends sharks don't bite people.
That this was a bad look for all involved.
The shark appeared to be quite angry about the whole thing.
Its teeth plunging ever deeper into Brad's torso.


The evening before his birthday,
Ainsley broke into his office.
He got out the old birthday bunting and hung it over his desk.
Hoped his co-workers would notice before he arrived.
That he'd have a little more success on the present front.