Showing posts from September, 2021

Cool Dudes with Skateboards

One cool dude
Met another cool dude.
They traded skateboards.

Fuel Crisis

The military arrived.
They camouflaged as BP signs and petrol pumps and set up camp in Wild Bean Cafes.
Rifles were waved at motorists who dared drizzle more than two pounds worth of fuel into their tank.
A sergeant shot a ditz who got a bit too eager at £1.99.

Going Up

A grasshopper jumped too high and ended up orbiting earth.
He wasn't equipped to get back down and had to adapt to life in space.


Stan's face dropped.
This was angling?
He folded away his protractor.
Threw himself in the river.

The Slug and the Snail

Dave (a well-to-do slug) bought Paul's (a snail) house.
Paul was banished from the community.
He had to go and live with the slugs.
Dave wasn't feeling very welcome in his new home either.

Coffin Doors

A retirement home built trap doors into their beds.
They'd store coffins underneath and yank the lever when one is the oldies popped.
It saved a lot of time
But the families thought it was a disgrace.

Mucking In

Luigi hooked his arse up to some gas pipes.
Dunked his face into an unbelievably large plate of beans.
The family gathered by a radiator,
Cheered Luigi as he devoured the mountain.

The Beat Goes On

Linda worked in customer support.
She hated every single one of them.
Except a guy called Kevin.
He had a genuine complaint.
She spoke to him for about an hour
Wrote down his number
Learned he had a wife.
Eventually she managed to convince her they'd slept together.
Anyway, the point was Linda hated these customers.
She hated them so much she learned how to beatbox.
She learned horrendous tunes and started spouting them out over the line.
The customers would tire of being on hold and hang up
And Linda would smile to herself.

Poetry from the Beach

Kate went to the beach.
She just didn't agree with it.
The wetness of the water
The dryness of the sand.
It simply didn't make sense.
The whole thing infuriated her.
She began stomping around kicking over sandcastles.
Telling children to stop celebrating the monarchy.
At one point she was briefly distracted by a dog.
One of the children managed to erect a flag before she pelted his creation.

Emotional Support

Ed's head fell off.
He looked up at his body and noticed sparks and bits of wires hanging out.
A robot, he knew it!
He tried to feel sad about the situation.
He wasn't programmed to support that sort of emotion.

A Blurry Situation

Willy lost his glasses.
He tried to adapt.
In his confusion he accidentally kissed his boss
Who just so happened to be about two hundred pounds heavier than his lover.
His lover was furious.
Willy had to sleep on the couch that night.
He planned on checking between the cushions again.

A Poem about War

Two nations
With broadly similar views on things
Went to war with each other.
A few thousand people died
And Tom
Who was one of the luckier (more cowardly) ones
Had a really sore leg at the end of it all.

The Stash

Mark's lover found his stash of women.
She couldn't help but be impressed.
And a little upset, to be fair.
Why hadn't she been included?

Promiscuous Hound

Gibb's dog had, owing largely to his own ineptitude
Humped more girls than he'd managed.
Gibb hated his dog.
And he knew the girls wouldn't laugh off the antics if he tried it.

Numbers Guy

Edwin was too clever for his own good.
He became the numbers guy.
Whenever anyone wanted sums doing they'd approach Edwin.
Edwin never had time for himself after that.
He was always busy doing sums.

Taxi Driver's Scheme

A taxi driver started weighing his customers.
He'd input their data into his taximeter.
It charged more the heavier they were.
Newspapers picked up on his scheme.
No one was happy about what was going on.
The Mayor of London got in touch and told him off.

A Cushioned Landing

'Whoops!' cried Paul.
He staggered forward and landed face first in Mary's chest.
He closed his eyes and rested there for a moment.
Hoped the fall looked convincing to the rest of the office.

Catch of the Day

A fisherman threw his wife out to sea.
He hauled her back in.
Declared her the catch of the day.
She was coughing up salt water.
Fish slapped at her torso as she tried to untangle herself from the netting.


Bill got on the internet.
He ordered some tiger eyes off one of those shady websites.
He had them installed and took up boxing.
From then on life took a turn for the worse.
For a start he struggled to really see anything.
He tripped over children as he walked down the street.
Bought the wrong chocolate bars.
Bit into Twirl he thought was a Twix.
All of his worst nightmares were coming true.
Issues compounded when he climbed into the ring.
Fists were thrown at his face and he had no idea when to dodge.