Showing posts from December, 2021

A Whole New Year

Eager to celebrate the festivities,
Trevor Omicron had been learning to count all the way to ten (and back down again - important).
Every party was desperate to drag him along.
With so many invites he felt almost overwhelmed.
But he'd press on,
Make one hell of a night of it.

Working Up

A princess got bored.
After some careful consideration,
She concluded it was her turn to be Queen.
So she set about murdering her mother.
And then her brother.
And then her older sister.
And then her other brother.
And it was all starting to look a bit suspicious.

Stand Mixer Experiments

Roy got a mixer.
At first he used it to mix ordinary things,
Like flour and eggs and butter.
Eventually curiosity good the better of him.
He'd throw in new ingredients,
Like hair and rope and leather straps.
None of this tasted very good,
And these experiments ended up breaking his mixer,
Which was a bit of a relief to be honest.

The King

A man erected a 10 metre tall pole in Leicester Square.
He sat atop and declared himself king.
Police tried to coax him down with free comedy tickets.
Eventually they'd have to think up a plan B.

The Chocolate Days

Tony was all Christmassed out.
He'd carved his way through three turkeys.
Given Brussels sprouts another regrettable shot.
And consumed eight boxes of chocolates.
All of this culminated in Tony crashing under the tree.
His headache immense.
His mouth loaded with sugar.
He reached up to the tinsel.
Tried to floss his teeth with it.

The Christmas Present

John forgot to buy Jane a present!
He quickly sliced off a hand and wrapped it.
John hoped it would make him seem at least a little creative.
For the rest of the morning he wore a glove to avoid spoiling the surprise.
He also ate a lot of things that required ketchup to conceal any spillages.
And tried to maintain consciousness.

Christmas at the Beckhams

David Beckham would constantly stick string to footballs and hook them on the Christmas tree.
Victoria eventually gave in and ordered a second tree for herself (they have the income to support such extravagance).
David went on to use the two trees as goalposts and showed off his dead ball skills to any visitors.

Santa's Load

"Give me the contents of that sack, big boy!'"
Joan made Harold dress up like Santa.
She pumped away ferociously.
Harold found the beard irritating,
And Joan's constant demands to say "ho ho ho" quite off-putting.

At the Top

I replaced the fairy atop my Christmas tree.
Now there sits a star.
The spruce became angered.
It thrashed at me.
Branches creaking and needles scattering in its rage.
It claimed to have enjoyed looking up the fairy's dress.
There were demands I return the topping.


The elves threatened to set up a union.
Santa was appalled.
He moved production to India and ignored their calls.

Christmas Stomach Bug

Dudley sneezed and crapped all over the Christmas tree.

Snow for Christmas

John wasn't feeling very festive.
He went about a solution by climbing up Ben Nevis.
At the summit he unveiled several buckets and loaded the containers with snow.
He carried these home and dumped them around his artificial tree.
The snow quickly melted and saturated the carpets.
Another problem.

The Long Walk

Angus went for a walk.
After two hours he lost his bearings.
After four hours he'd eaten his sandwich
And felt even further from home.
After three days he met a woman.
She attached pigeons to him and ordered them to fly him home.
Angus attached a thank you note to one of the pigeon's ankles and sent them back.

A Day Out

I don't smoke,
I said to the man offering me a cigarette.
I don't drink,
I said to the man offering me a drink.
And then I went home.

Santa's Hat

The white bits on Santa's hat turned pink.
Mrs Claus blamed Hugh (one of the elves).

The Chase

I stole a poet's typewriter.
He gave chase.
His beret detached,
Landing in a nearby puddle.
His cravat snagged on a weather worn fence.
Eventually he cut his losses.

Chocolate Orange - A Christmas Poem

The elves were pumping out 200 chocolate oranges a minute.
They had doubled their efforts after Santa sat at the conveyor belt,
Guzzling down half of them.

The Christmas Party

Tony and Doris arranged an urgent Christmas party.
The office descended on a nearby Pret and selected their wraps, toasties, etc.
Sloshed bottles of champagne down their gullets and insisted the manager crank up the music.
Mary was shipped off to the Foodhall to pick up a Colin the Caterpillar.

One Missing Child

John had a child,
Which he had since misplaced.
For this he got in quite a lot of trouble.
His arguments were however quite sound.
Bank cards, keys, money.
All of the things that had gone missing in his past.
None of that seemed like a big deal.
This though?
This one was a nightmare.


Lisa had a breakup.
She overcame this by getting into tarot card reading.
Which is to say I suspect she didn't get over it at all.

Sporting Excellence

David tried his hand at sport.
The other footballers were outraged.

On the Subject of Dog Ownership Part 5

My dog is heavy.
He is dragging me to the supermarket.
Picking out meals for himself.
Having learned to operate the microwave he targets ready meals.
He likes chicken curries.
There is no money left for my own meals.

On the Subject of Dog Ownership Part 4

My dog is eating my dinner.
I am watching him.
He sits on the couch with the television on,
Chomping away at the plate's contents.
There is hunger in my eyes.
My dog does not care.
My dog is eating sausages.

On the Subject of Dog Ownership Part 3

My dog watches again.
Dinner on my lap.
Snooker on the television.
There's a dopey look upon his face,
As though he has no idea what he's doing.
My dog is eating two of my sausages.
I am losing weight.