Showing posts from October, 2022

Not Particularly Well

Prior to remembering it was Halloween, I wrote this poem about coughing. Then I wrote another poem with a similar theme but containing Halloween's fruit to take full advantage of the day. Enjoy, if you'd be so kind.

I coughed.
And then I coughed again.
This occurred for an indefinite amount of time.

A freshly carved pumpkin caught a cold,
Or something like a cold.
It's fairly safe to assume the person who carved him was infected.
The pumpkin coughed,
Which startled some people,
And blew out his candle.
So he got lost in the night sky.

Birthday Cards

Julie was too old for money
So she incinerated her birthday cards
Immediately upon receipt
What was the point

Observing Birds

A seagull,
Or possibly a gull,
I don't understand.
Tripped over some rubbish
On one of those disgusting beachy things
Along the Thames.


Doris loved supermarkets.
She liked how many things they sold.
She liked the idea of seeing something new on the shelves.
Or something being out of stock and having to go for an alternative product.
Doris was having a great day in the supermarket.

Wrong Day

It was Saturday and Stanley was having a nice relaxing day.
But it wasn't Saturday and Stanley had made a mistake!
Now things were even more stressful than usual!


A homeless guy,
Probably named something like Ken,
Disguised himself as a traffic cone.
Suddenly he was shown a lot more respect.
Finally the council stopped shuffling him on.

More Bread

Fat pigeon tried to take off.
Gave up.
Settled on life in Bloomsbury Square.


The endless showrooms,
Browsed for many hours.
A couple with two pillow cases,
Stand in disagreement for even more.
Depression sets in.
I try to hang myself from the pipes above.
IKEA staff keep cutting me down.
Tell me to stop doing that sort of thing.
Request I move along.
Recommend meatballs.


How to build a love poem:

I heard a song and it reminded me of someone.

I heard a song and it reminded me of you.

I heard a song,
It reminded me of you,
(a woman)

A song played,
It made me sad,
Because I wasn't with the person it reminded me of.

There was a radio.
Sound leaked from the speakers.
It fell into my ears.
Sadness washed over me.
The memories of us.

A song came on the radio.
I threw the radio out the window.
I screamed your name.

My car has a radio.

My car has a radio and I turned on the radio.

My car has a radio,
I turned on the radio,
Music came out of the radio.

There once was a car,
The car could go quite far.
The car ran on diesel.
The road was my easel.

A song came on the radio.
It reminded me of my car.
I miss my car.

My car broke down.
I called my wife and told her I'm leaving.
I had forgotten she'd already left me.
I was sad.
I turned on the radio and pretended to drive for a while but got no where because the car was still broken.


I moved into a new flat.
Threw a match over my shoulder as I departed the old.
It was the least the landlord deserved.
A problem he'd finally have to sort out.

The Beloved Gift

Jethro brought home a cat.
He offered this cat to Deborah.
Deborah accepted.
Jethro was pushed further down the list of things Deborah loved.


Toto bought a tank.
He hoped this would resolve the issues with his neighbours.

Pet Food

Logan bought 300 tins of cat food.
Can you imagine that?
He carried them home in reinforced shopping bags,
Constructed using the finest of science.
Upon the return home he recalled owning no cats.
What a waste.
And he didn't even pick up a receipt.

Wind Chimes

Toto's neighbours bought wind chimes.
The rattling was endless.
Toto would soon sneak over.
Snip off one of the tube things every evening.
Pray they don't notice the gradual decline.


Gerrard claimed to be a giant.
He claimed to have since been miniaturised.
He was not forthcoming with evidence.


Some shoppers gathered around a penny.
News spread.
More joined the pilgrimage.
The crowd growing ever larger.
Bulging out the Tesco doors.
Others pressed their faces against the windows of the shop.
Wondered what was going on inside.

Being Sexy

Roy Bison peeled apart his shirt.
Unlatched all but the bottom three buttons.
Ladies fell into the resulting cavity.
Became entwined in the chest hair.
Like fish in a trawler net.


Milly goes to Lidl.
The savings,
She claims,
Are astronomical.
Partner of Milly,
Goes to Waitrose,
To even things out.
Milly finds this disappointing.