Showing posts from December, 2019


He looked himself in the eye

True enough he regretted his actions

He worried about keeping the dust out of there too

He was trying to remain positive despite broken dreams of using it as a remote camera


Shovels dug himself a hole

He dug so deep he couldn't get out!

Shovels ordered a fresh dog and asked the delivery driver to chuck it down the hole

He looked at the puppy with great sadness and even tried to cry

He needed the sympathy so the community would come to his rescue


He spent about an hour unwrapping all of the chocolates in his tin

He even threw away the little paper guide

There were some concerns about his nut allergy

It was evident by the way he fumbled and began to sweat as he took a bite

But he was really invested in this plan

The mystery and the thrill of it all


A man with big muscles and flowing locks swung his sword really hard

His opponent's head fell off and blood gushed down the street

He felt a bit bad about the whole situation if he was being honest


The builder stored a Mars Bar in his butt crack

Every time he bent over some nosy bastard would point out his magnificent groove

He thought he might as well fill it with something

It provided a delicious treat when he was forced to adjust to appease onlookers


A squirrel latched to his nuts

Needless to say the whole situation was very painful

But he was too scared to remove it

And he enjoyed the bulge it created


Jesus couldn't really remember when he was born but decided he'd have a party this year

Three guests showed up uninvited

One gave him a gold crayon

Another presented him with an Olly Murs CD

And the third seemed to have taped some coins onto a McDonald's employee named Frank

Frank carried an overwhelming stench of chicken nuggets

Jesus did not enjoy the gifts

He politely asked the men to leave


Santa ordered several gallons of chicken madras the night before the big trip

He fed it to all the reindeer hoping for a little extra propulsion

Blitzen seemed reluctant at first but soon tucked in following a reassuring nod from one of the other reindeer

The barn's air turned rancid

Santa packed his condoms and a spare pair of underwear

He kissed Mrs Claus goodbye and set off into the night

She was pleased to get him out of the house

She hoped he wouldn't bring home any extra surprises this year


A particularly curious entomologist caught himself a grasshopper

He put it in a tank without any grass and watched it hop around

He noted inaccuracies in his diary and went to bed with a smile


He wandered through the woods and trumped excitedly upon discovering a sheet of metal

He hauled it home while working on a little tune about his find

"I'm carrying a sheet of metal and I'm going to hit it with a hammer and shape it into a shovel"

No one heard his song but he continued to sing

Obeying the new song he smashed his shovel into shape and proudly held it aloft

He soon realised there was nothing worth digging up and regretted both of his creations


He rolled up his trousers.
Couldn't believe he didn't think of this sooner, it was like a pair of shorts!
His shins felt glacial.
Hairs froze and began to snap off in the high winds.
He shivered and wished he came up with this idea during the summer.


He called his bank and asked to speak to the most important person there

He just wanted to be put on hold

He liked the company

He liked their choice of music


"I have been to hell."
A bold claim to impress the extended family.
None believed him.
He did a handstand to win them back.
Tiny IKEA pencils tumbled from his pockets.


The air was thick and moist.
A pedestrian stood in the shelter of a bus stop.
He would give the drivers a cheery wave as they approached.
The drivers always opened their doors and waved back.
Only they used their fists or very specific fingers.
This confused the pedestrian.


The man penguined across the stage

He was talking about children and driving

And about how rain gets you wet and how sometimes it's difficult to find things but they might be in drawers

He skipped around while talking about that sort of thing


The panpipist pulled some panpipes from his anus

This immediately endeared the crowd to him more than anyone else in the orchestra

As he tooted along the front row an odd brown substance oozed from his pipes


He applied a Hula Hoop to each of his fingers

He began to burn excess energy dancing around the room declaring himself the Hula Hoop god

Dressed only in socks he wiggled his rear in a full length mirror

He looked over his shoulder at the sight and cuddled himself ensuring his fingers were on full display

Consumed with excitement his member perked up and he accidentally ate his fingers


Winston puffed on his cigar

He liked to pretend he was a chimney operating in the industrial revolution

He impressed himself knowing what that was and watched his belly jiggle as he chuckled


Boris became addicted to sliding things into slots

It reminded him of the glory days

Every time he found a new slot he punched the air and demanded a piece of paper

There was a brief scuffle with the postman as Boris kept shoving the letters back through his letterbox


I visited Stonehenge and fondled several nearby stones

As far as stones go these ones seemed perfectly adequate

I gathered some up and sloshed them into my moist pockets

The gifts seemed to go unappreciated


He tilted his head all the way back and lowered the comically shaped sausage into his gaping gullet

He swallowed the whole thing without chewing!

He sat up straight and began to rub his nipples with greasy fingers


While he loved the idea of sitting on the river bank

The thought of having to handle the fish contained within was rather off-putting

This is why he decided against attaching a hook to his line

His fingers lacked the requisite nimbility in his thick leather mittens to tie knots anyway

He stroked his rod and twiddled the reel then released a satisfied smirk from beneath a scarf


James Bond made the bold decision that he was going to be left handed to confuse his targets

He took 10 minutes attempting to write his name at reception

James was absolutely useless at this kind of espionage, he much preferred introducing himself as Bond, James Bond, and then shooting everyone in the face

The receptionist wasn't impressed and began to play Snake on her phone


A husband slathered his entire naked body in cake then called his wife into the room.
He spread himself across the bed, now covered in a tarpaulin, and invited her to lick him clean.
She spent a good 15 minutes clearing off one breast and plucking the odd hair from her teeth.
She began to feel rather full.
Suggestions had been floated that doing this immediately after dinner might be a bad idea.


He decided it was time for a new contraption and bought himself a go-kart

He began calibration by removing the wheels and then gave it a long hard stare

His face looked like the kind of face you might make while thinking

There was a furrowed brow and fingers placed upon a chin, occasionally reaching for a lip smear

After several hours of this he realised making a hover car was going to be more difficult than first anticipated


He mustered all of his confidence and finally asked her on a date

"Let's go fishing tomorrow?" he quivered in his swimming trunks

Her eyes widened as she thought about his rod

He went to the shops and bought himself a fancy fishing rod and some hooks and whatever else you need for fishing

He rests his head on the counter before paying

The cashier prods him to ensure he's still alive

He still has no idea why he chose fishing


Gazing into the distance she spotted her love and began to charge

As she dove into his wispy arms they fell off

And his back snapped and his head smashed against a nearby bench

She heaved his cadaver under the bench with the aid if a very friendly elderly couple

Then had a sit down and smiled as she thought about the time they spent together


He decided it was time to paint the house walls grey

Life had been getting a bit too exciting recently

He owned a rather impressive new plug-in air freshener

It guffed away regularly to maintain his headache


Santa was dressed in his postal service outfit looking slightly dishevelled

Someone caught him after hours in the farm's Christmas display

He was disturbing the local reindeer community


The guitarist twanged away on the guitar wedged beneath his masculine bosom

He was plucking that big thick string at the top

That was his favourite string

He enjoyed the sound it made very much


He filled the living room with chickens and pulled a pickaxe from his work dungarees

There was a look of determination in his eyes as he whirled clockwise hacking the poultry to pieces and occasionally clipping the coffee table

"Give me your nuggets" he demanded with cheeks rippling in the breeze

He was tired of the walk to McDonald's

Feathers and various chicken bits were getting everywhere