Showing posts from July, 2023


Yvonne missed her hats.
The Queen's hats.
The real Queen that is,
Not that new one,
Whatever her name is.
Yvonne would spend hours staring at her TV.
Sky+ on pause.
Admiring the Queen's hats.


Chedders fancied a holiday.
He stared at the old passport photo.
Imagined having to hand that over to border control.
Put it back in a drawer and thumbed through his collection of beach themed postcards.


The flavour of Wolverine's crisps did not match the packaging.
He was furious!
His claws popped out and tore through the shrouding.
Crisps went everywhere.

Peter Pan and Tinker Bell

Tinker Bell went off on her own again.
Peter Pan's phone soon set about ringing.
'Pete, it's me'
The familiar voice of Tinker Bell ejaculated from the speaker.
'I've done it again'
Peter Pan sighed.
He pulled on his green tights and green hat and grabbed his dagger,
Then headed out to inspect the local fly traps.


Pargin started shaving and his face was coming off with the hair.
It was horrific and, as you might expect, painful.
Pargin didn't want weird hairless stripes in his beard though.
So he carried on.


After consuming his third bag of crisps,
Bertie leaned back to think about life.


Robin Hood started taking a larger cut for himself.
His Merry Men were initially against the idea,
But came round when they saw the upgrades to their living quarters.


Bruce got lost on his way to a date.
He arrived several days late,
Quite dishevelled.
His date,
On the other hand,
Looked withered,
And was barely capable of holding a conversation.
Bruce felt bad.
He'd been sustaining himself on Pret.


'One day you'll be dead anyway.'
'I'd still rather it wasn't day'
Oliver protested.
'Oh come on,
Don't make me feel guilty about this.'
The debate rolled on for quite some time,
Oliver considered letting the murderer do the deed just to get things over with.
He'd like to get home though,
He'd like to empty the tumble dryer.


Mark went to the London Graphic Centre or possibly Ryman and bought the fanciest stapler he could find.
He took the beast to work and stapled pretty much everything to everything else.
Stapled masses of co-workers were seeing shuffling their way to HR,
Which isn't what he was hoping for.
What he wanted was for people to mention his new stapler.

Bucket List

Portland filled up his bucket list.
It was extensive.
He plodded down to Marks and Spencer,
Picked up a pack of Bourbons,
Unfurled the wrapper,
Sat down and worked his way through the layers.
Then checked that off.


Brian caught wind of a loyalty card.
He charged the checkouts and demanded attention from the staff.
Business cards flung from his pockets containing all of the key details.
He insisted the cashier's fingers fly faster across the registration device,
And began snatching at the little plastic wonder the cashier was trying to scan.

Social Feed

Kenneth refreshed his social media feed.
Endless pictures of cute dogs!
He was delighted,
But couldn't help but think a little less of himself.


James conjured the saddest expression he could muster.
It was fruitless.
She'd already closed the door.


A confused boy,
Asked for spinach.
Obviously he meant to ask for chocolate.
The boy left disappointed.


Johan stared right into his snow globe.
He imagined the air thrusting its way round his body.
The snow slapping against his flesh.
Then the snow globe melted,
And he was sad.

A New Activity

Penny waddled herself down to Sports Direct,
And scoured the squalid little hole seeking the perfect sport for her,
She'd watched those majestic hunks of meat on screen,
Plunging their little spears into the triple twenties,
They were icons.
She couldn't believe she hadn't thought of it sooner,
Yes, darts.
Darts was the sport for her.
She obtained a set and waddled (again, sorry) all the way back home.
Which wasn't very far,
Because she lived quite close,
Her home was in a very convenient location, all things considered.
Penny, however, lacked the funding to pick up the dart board part of the equation,
So she had to wait for it to be in frame on her television,
And start taking shots at that.


Jeremy bought a limousine.
It was longer than his house.
This irritated the neighbours.


Elliot made a mistake.
He'd assembled flat pack furniture too well.
Now he dreaded hearing about every family member's trip to Ikea.