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Showing posts from April, 2023

Unrelated

An Italian accidentally made his pizza upside down.
Some sort of maintenance people had to come in and clean cheese off the big pizza dome they cook the pizzas in.
They tutted at him and reported him to the police,
Who came along and arrested him later for crimes unrelated to the pizza incident.
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Poison

Mary grew tired of her flatmates.
They took advantage of her tea production skills,
Her love of vacuuming,
And general housekeeping abilities.
She filled a tea pot with poison.
Smiled to herself.
Smiled to her flatmates.
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Killing Time

King Prince Charles sat in his bedroom,
Naked, except the royal socks, if you'd like to imagine that,
Pulling leftover Christmas crackers.
He had hundreds lined up, owing to the family's vast amounts of wealth.
Servants were on hand to unfurl each paper crown and plant it on his royal dome,
And possibly also read the joke if he felt like it.
Once the procession was complete he'd mash his paws together,
Make that noise he makes,
And grin at Not Queen Camilla.
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King

Eugene made himself king of the roads.
He'd bought a bicycle, a big fluffy cloak thing, and obviously, a crown.
Wore the lot and cycled round the city shouting at pedestrians who dared to assume he'd slow down for zebra crossings,
And kicked the hell out of cars that passed within four meters.
Eugene was having a fantastic time,
He wouldn't be giving up this post for anyone.
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Flies

The army trained flies to infiltrate behind enemy lines.
Some soldiers were itchy for a while,
This was nothing compared to the kind of damage bullets caused.
In the end it all seemed like a waste of money,
They failed to achieve anything other than a minor inconvenience.
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Santa

Kenneth was ready for action.
He'd gained weight.
Grew a big white beard.
Ordered a red suit from Amazon.
Now he just had to wait for December.
This year would be his year.
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Charles Coronation Poem

King Prince Charles drew up some plans to earn the population's respect.
He'd haul out the dregs of entertainment,
Force himself to sit through the lot of it.
Maintain a stiff upper lip throughout.
Gary Barlow curled up at his feet,
Listening to quill scratch royal parchment,
Pondering whether the strokes and pauses were forming his name.
Camilla looked on,
Scarcely believing what she was getting roped into.
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Sage

An old man met with some gullible newly weds.
'You will adopt a wise old sage' 
He said,
'And then discover unforeseen riches.'
So anyway this ditzy couple welcomed him into their home,
Gave him a rather delightful room with an en suite.
A few weeks later he revealed his name was Rich.
That's how the story goes,
Something like that anyway.
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Ham

Kerry gave herself the job of ham tester.
It was fantastic.
She'd waddle herself down to Sainsbury's and just start peeling open the wafer thin.
Staff arrived,
Urging her to move along.
'Hiding something, are we?'
The authority of the delivery caused the staff to back off,
And triggered a series of calls to management.
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Barbarians

Stanley the Barbarian joined the rest of the gang at the campfire.
They were enjoying their hunks of meat and being quite rowdy, as barbarians do.
Stanley glared enviously at Conan.
Why did he get the good name?
How was the name Stanley supposed to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies?
'Stabley?'
He pondered.
'Could I get away with calling myself Stabley?'
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Different

A ninja went to work in tie dye.
He was given the side-eye by his peers,
Those guys prancing round dressed in black,
As you'd expect.
But the plan was perfect.
Guards simply were not looking for that kind of thing,
It wasn't part of their training,
And as a result he could slip into any building unnoticed.
Executions were up 50%.
He penned a missive anticipating an early return home.
Tied it to his bird friend and watched it flutter into the sky.
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Foraging

Dennis went foraging.
He found pencils and erasers and notebooks,
Even a few whiteboards.
The benefits of searching a school quickly became apparent.
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He-Man v Skeletor

He-Man's loincloth detached from his metal belt thing,
Thigh muscles rippling with magnificence as the furry covering tickled its way to his feet.
Skeletor's bony face somehow turned red with embarrassment.
He suggested they resume their duel another day.
Sensing he had the upper hand,
He-Man wasn't so keen on the delay.
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Hotel

My kettle teetered at the max fill line,
Boiling the contents within.
This was my fifty-second boil of the day,
At only 9am.
I calculated energy usage as it worked its magic,
Sustained myself with complimentary biscuits.
Desperate to get my money's worth out of this hotel room.
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Everest

Ken hid in some luggage.
Sherpas hauled him up Everest.
At the peak he unzipped for selfies,
Dances and just whatever people do on TikTok or Instagram really.
He climbed back in and insisted on being carried back down.
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Passport

Eugene forgot his passport.
His wife, on the other hand, hadn't.
You see, his passport was located in her pocket.
She just wouldn't be telling him that.
The thought of getting away from him had some appeal.
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New Sword

Eugene bought a sword.
Almost immediately he'd accidentally lopped his wife's head off.
He sent a complaint to the sword company.
They offered a partial refund.
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