Faces
A Polish woman,
With a face full of Polish features,
And a Spanish man,
With a distinctly Spanish pate,
Got together for some drinks in clear glasses.
Posts
Showing posts from January, 2023
Ninja
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A ninja lost his shuriken.
He regretted painting them black to match his outfit.
And he worried about slicing his fingers off rummaging through his ninja pockets.
Bump
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Mr Bump spent a few years working on his coordination.
His income suffered.
Coverings
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Alan coughed.
Mucus flung from his lips,
Splattered across his date's blouse.
'I'll be honest with you,'
He wheezed,
'This isn't what I was hoping to cover you with.'
Alan's date was surprisingly on board with the ordeal.
She just wished he'd cover his mouth a bit more.
Emotions
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Hector loved his girlfriend more than anything.
He wouldn't be telling her this.
He wouldn't like her to know how sad he'd be if she left.
He couldn't give her the satisfaction.
Headband
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Neville wore a headband to mask the receding hairline.
He wanted to be known as the headband guy.
He thought that would be fun.
Rabbit
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I waddled to the local bakery.
My legs
Hello.
Not again.
I said hello.
HELLO.
Hello.
Is this your friend, New Year?
I WOULD RECALL SUCH MAGNIFICENT EARS.
Thanks, chum!
YOU ARE MOST WELCOME.
And why are you here?
Well, you know.
Not particularly.
Well, what I mean is, you know, I was bounding around I suppose.
Then I suppose I just sort of landed here.
I don't suppose you have any carrots?
I DON'T TRUST CARROTS.
We don't trust carrots, no offense.
IT'S JUST THAT THEY'RE POINTED.
Like daggers.
YES.
You can't trust that sort of thing.
DO YOU PLAN ON INTRODUCING US?
We've never met!
Rabbit.
I've met Rabbit before!
BUT YOU KNOW THEY ARE CALLED RABBIT.
I think we just learned that together.
HM.
IF YOU INSIST.
BUT NOW?
I just want to be left to my poetry.
I THINK WE WILL REQUIRE A NEW BED.
We're going to need a new house at this rate.
And some carrots.
You know less than a month ago I was living here alone.
IT WAS A PATHETIC SIGHT.
Then you lot started infesting my delightful little hovel.
PATHETIC LITTLE CAVE.
Well, I suppose I could go.
You don't have any carrots after all.
NO.
YOU MUST STAY.
I HAVE UTILISED HOUSE FUNDS TO ACQUIRE A NEW BED.
My funds.
IT WOULD BE A SHAME TO SEE IT WASTED.
I really think you should ask before doing things like that.
IT IS ARRIVING BETWEEN FOUR AND TEN.
I WON'T BE IN.
PLEASE LISTEN FOR IT.
Embarrassed
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I relaxed in a bath.
Closed my eyes and imagined myself in an ocean.
But I was naked,
And this was a public place!
My bath was ruined.
Tactics
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James Bond forgot the silencer for his gun.
He took to using fake sneezes to cover his shots at the baddies.
Really loud sneezes, obviously.
Sport
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Twenty-two men got together for a round of their favourite sport (football).
Two of them weren't as good as the others.
They had to stand at either end and were allowed to use their hands.
Merlin's Magic
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Merlin got out his wizard tools.
The stick thing and the rest of it.
He tapped his pointed hat and a rabbit flopped out.
He stormed out the room,
Screaming Lancelot's name.
The fury in his voice howling down the corridors.
"Why didn't you feed my bloody bunny?!"
Was the sort of phrase that echoed back to where he once stood.
Snooker
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Mark,
Wearing nothing but his tight little waistcoat.
Leaned back on the snooker table,
And winked.
Quickly
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I forgot to write anything!
I panicked.
Looked at my hands.
No pen!
I didn't need a pen.
People use keyboards these days.
Sounds
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SOUNDS
LOUDER SOUNDS
WAR SOUNDS
EXPLOSION SOUNDS
DEATH SOUNDS
- NEW YEAR
It's possible to write about things other than war when sculpting a poem.
WITH ALL DUE RESPECT.
I'M NOT SO SURE.
Why not?
SIMPLY PUT,
THERE'S NO REASON FOR ME TO TRUST YOUR OPINION ON THE MATTER.
You did the rhyming thing again, too.
YES. VERY MODERN.
WHY WOULD A MAN EVEN WEAR A CAT?
What?
SOCKS.
Socks? In yesterday's poem? Those are bags for your feet.
SOCKS IS A CAT NAME.
I HAVE MET SOCKS.
Socks
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Ronald put on his shoes.
He wasn't even wearing socks.
This sort of thing explains a lot about Ronald.
To Battle
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THE SKY RUMBLES
THE GROUND RUMBLES
10,000 SOLDIERS MARCHING TO WAR RUMBLES
TO SLAUGTER ONE ANOTHER
TO PAINT THE WORLD RED WITH THE BLOOD OF ONE ANOTHER
TO THE GLORY OF BATTLE AGAINST ONE ANOTHER
- NEW YEAR
DO WHAT?
Use the same words to rhyme.
WHY NOT?
It's just not what people do.
IT'S VERY MODERN OF ME, YES.
Also, stop eating my chocolate digestives.
I HAVEN'T.
You have.
I counted them.
NOBODY COUNTS CHOCOLATE DIGESTIVES.
I do. I did!
PERHAPS IT WAS THE CAT.
What cat?
THE ONE THAT ATE THE CHOCOLATE DIGESTIVES.
We don't have a cat.
Cats don't eat chocolate digestives.
NOT NORMALLY.
MAYBE THIS ONE DID.
I don't have a cat!
NO. I DON'T HAVE A CAT.
IT WOULD BE YOUR CAT.
Pop Tarts
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Moretti cooked dinner for Jean.
Pop Tarts.
Sheep
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I saw some cows in a field.
Then I got closer and realised they were sheep.
I wondered how I made that mistake.
Had I made a mistake?
I'm not sure.
WHAT?
What?
DID YOU?
Did I what?
WAS YOUR IDENTIFICATION ERRONEOUS?
Makes you think, doesn't it?
Poetry should do that.
NO.
Slide
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Pedro woke up early.
He slapped on some outdoor clothes
And made his way to the local park.
Buttered up the slide.
Hid in a tree.
Waited for the children to arrive.
Resolutions
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Peter had some grand resolutions for the New Year.
HELLO.
He'd try new things like talking to strangers.
And maybe take up smoking so there was something bigger to brag about committing to next year.
HELLO. CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Perhaps unravel the biggest secrets in the universe too.
Peter knew all about those.
That would be a good one.
Very likely to draw some attention.
Perhaps he'd do it right now!
EXCUSE ME.
Yes.
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
Yes. I can hear you.
Why are you here?
YOU SUMMONED ME.
I wouldn't think so.
I HEARD YOU.
Who are you?
NEW YEAR.
Don't you have a name?
YES. NEW YEAR.
Your name is New Year?
That's not a real name.
WHY NOT?
Something like Peter is a real name. A boring name, sure, but a real one.
Anyway, I have a problem with you showing up like this.
You're ruining my poems, you see.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE.
Well, you are. Look at this mess!
NO. WHAT I MEAN IS. NEVER MIND.
I've forgotten my place now.
IS RUINING POETRY EVEN POSSIBLE?
What?
ARE THEY NOT BY THEIR VERY EXISTENCE ALREADY RUINED?
NOT JUST YOURS OF COURSE.
I'D NEVER SUGGEST THAT.
BUT ALL OF THEM.
Don't get philosophical with me New Year.
I'm just a poet.
Still, at least it's not all bad.
You do talk like a poet.
OH?
Yes, well, your lines are all spread out so they don't get too long.
IS THAT HOW THEY OPERATE?
As far as I can tell.
I think you might be a poet too.
I DON'T THINK SO.
I WOULDN'T LIKE THAT.
Gaming
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The family tried board games.
Susan got bored.
A disagreement caused her to knife Terry.
He got blood on the cards.
This led to more issues.
Soon everyone gave in and I had some peace.
New Year
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The New Year arrived.
HELLO.
It was,
It's fair to say,
HELLO. IS ANYONE THERE?
Quite similar to the old one.
I suppose it wouldn't be fair to judge it yet.
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
But there's no talk of them switching around the names of days or months.
WE WILL ALL GET ALONG NICELY.
Nothing to spice it up a bit.