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Showing posts from November, 2024

Incompetence

Freya's husband had been ironing.
They stood in their pyjamas.
Freezing.
Watching flames flicker through the windows.
'I told you'
He said.
Hoping this would be enough to get him off ironing duty in the future.
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Short Stories

Here is a collection of (very) short stories I've written recently. It's important to note these are not poems. You can tell by the formatting.

1. Meeting King Prince Charles

King Prince Charles offered to shake my hand and I said 'no thank you, I don't believe in God.' Then he smiled at me and we winked at each other and I had the urge to buy some sausages.

I got so distracted I asked how Princess Diana was doing. Bit of a blunder, but we laughed about it. Great guy.


2. Meeting Bill Murray

Bill Murray from Ghostbusters was looking glum so I said to him 'don't worry mate, you're in Ghostbusters and that film's pretty good.' He perked up a bit and offered to get me a role in the next Ghostbusters but I refused because there's already about 20 characters I don't know on those posters.


3. Information Regarding Paul McCartney

I've been told Paul McCartney's name was originally Paul McCartwheel. He had it changed because he despises gymnastics and apparently he's the head of an underground operation to have it removed from the Olympics. Progress is slow, but he keeps plugging away between tours. On Tuesdays he treats himself to a bourbon (biscuit).


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Conservation

I met David Attenborough in Richmond Park.
He was busy super gluing birds to trees.
I told him I was impressed by his conservation efforts.
Asked if I could join in.
He handed over 25 robins,
Some Loctite Power Flex Super Glue,
And told me to get to work in the shrubbery.
Later we went home and checked for ticks.
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Tea

Froy made his tea in a big bucket.
So he wouldn't have to stand up as much throughout the day.
But the tea went cold,
Which is something he hadn't considered.
And he began to worry he might need his bucket for something else.
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Round

David Beckham came over.
He told me of his addiction to kicking round things.
I noted the Earth being round.
He fled to my garden.
I discovered him about a metre below grass level,
Burrowing ever deeper with that magnificent right leg of his.
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Fine

It's 2am,
And Keith is eating a chocolate bar.
Because he's a fully grown regular adult,
And things are just fine, actually.
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Poindexter

Poindexter tried to high five his calculator.
Slapped himself in the face.
And struggled to look his calculator in the eye again.
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Laundry

Guy got distracted by his date's aroma.
He complimented their choice of laundry detergent.
Got a lift to Sainsbury's.
Went home to do some washing.
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Police

'I said catch!'
Woody explained to the police.
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Clean

Mark spent the weekend washing his feet.
People would ask him what he was doing.
He'd reply with things like.
'I'm washing my feet.'
'I'm cleaning my feet.'
And 'My feet are being washed (by me).'
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Adjustments

Potter put on a suit.
He'd last worn it 20 years ago,
So it had forgotten how to fit.
He ate another biscuit,
Gave the problem a good old think.
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Getaway

Teddy wanted a holiday.
He booked himself into the Premier Inn across the road.
Took different routes to the local amenities.
A week later he went back home.
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Rebrand

Chris thought about spelling his name with a K.
He emailed a few people asking for their opinions on the matter.
Then sent some text messages asking if they'd checked their emails.
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Dracula

Dracula
Lied to the doctor
Regarding his diet.
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Poppy

Harold bought one of those giant poppies motorists stick on the front of their vehicles 
(The ultimate in respectfulness)
He super glued it to his bare chest. 
Went out for a march.
And occasionally saluted.
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Hostility

A dragon
Burned a hole in a basin,
Spitting out his toothpaste.
He apologised to his hosts.
Their true colours seeped through the thin veneer of friendliness.
They began threatening to call the local knights.
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Clementine

'My grandma's less shrivelled.'
Grumbled Gary.
Appalled at the state of his clementine.
'And she's dead.'

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Deadpan

Deadpan Stan,
Made a mildly amusing quip,
In an emotionless tone.
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