Showing posts from May, 2020


Angus Walker got stuck in his front door
It had been so long that he'd forgotten how to use the ruddy thing
The firepeople arrived and tried to butter up Angus
As they approached he'd swing at them with his telescopic hiking poles and demand they retreat the full two metres


Tommy still dreams about the final clap
His shoulders still ache
His hands are still raw
He recalls the shower of spittle from his voluptuous horn quickly drying over the other contestants
When he wakes, he wakes up hard


Beefy extended his novelty fork the full two metres and hooked a slab of meat off the barbecue.
He glanced over the cow and prepared for the big count.
There was Chopsy, Hunk, Nugget, Mincer, Leggers, and of course his very own Beefy.
Six! Beefy sighed with relief, the barbecue was in accordance with government guidelines and he was perfectly safe.
"Wait a minute, who the hell is that?!" Beefy extended his fork at the mystery person.
The stranger gnawed a gob of meat off Beefy's slab and gave him a little wink.
The meat oozed down the stranger's tracksuit and misted up his Ray-Bans.


People went to the park to play frisbee
They stood in designated frisbing zones and launched their discs at each other
Park rangers wore hazmat suits and roamed between the players
They zapped the discs with anti-covids as they flew overhead


"See you in a few seconds lads!" Cumslap hopped into his time traveller and dialled in a few weeks ago
His minions looked on as the device flickered in and out of existence
Cumslap zapped into the past and began carving his name across as many walls as he could find
The minions rubbed their eyes and fondled the divots in the walls
They couldn't believe what they were seeing!
"cumslap woz ere" suddenly started appearing all around them
Later this might seem like a bit of a tactical error
But for right now Cumslap was loving it


Cumslap carved through the wave of journos towards his motor
"You know, you're the real problem around here!"
His face folded through a series of expressions as he tried to squeeze out some concern
Cumslap shovelled the loved ones into the vehicle and unfurled a lengthy white cane
He flopped the extension out the window and tapped away at the road before soaring off in search of a birthday
Groovy followed in convoy, peeling off his specs and lobbing them out the window
He felt liberated


Boris Johnson crawled through the boss's deep dark recesses

His chubby appendage squelched from a cavity and was quickly drenched in Fairy Liquid

The arm grasped some particularly jingly keys and hovered over a big red pub button


Cumslap couldn't get enough of the wind on his crimson dome
"Would you please stop doing that sir?"
Cumslap's ABBA cassette rolled through the stereo and spilled from the speakers, he seemed oblivious to the remarks
"Sorry it's just that well, we were talking and well, we don't think it's a particularly good look, you know?"
Cumslap arched over his map of the British road network and fondled his rippled scalp
"Two hundred and fifty thousand miles of road lads" Cumslap shoved his Ray-Bans up his beak "what a beaut"


Cumslap's aerodynamic dome blasted through the countryside
The child took too much effort to handle alone and still couldn't be shipped off to prison
His wife's inefficient locks fluttered in the wind
He detested the whole situation
He wheezed with rage all over the roads and trees and family and northerners


Benedict and Elizabeth dragged little Wilbur through his uniform and folded him into some heavy duty cardboard
They sealed him up, affixed a selection of pictures from their photo album of the Queen, and scrawled "school" on the side
They included a few additional notes, chiefly some contact details for Wilbur's nanny and a declaration that the child is the school's problem now


Finchley went to the beach.
Everyone else went to the beach too.
Wading through the mass he bemoaned their inability to social distance.
He stripped to his underwear and reclined across the pile of beach-goers.


Igor ventured into the unknown.
A powerful light pierced his eyeballs and his translucent skin cooked beneath the heavy sun.
Igor fled back to his quarters.
The fool blasted his sodden flesh with a powerful fan and began typing up demands for an extension to the lockdown.


All of Godfry's new hobbies left him with swathes of Amazon boxes
With those he constructed an extravagant fort
Somehow it ended up larger than his house and the whole family moved in
The insulation was woeful and everything got a bit soggy when it rained


Wafer prised himself from between the arm rests and squeezed down the stairway
The cake filled oven cried as he scrambled towards it
He heaved his latest creation onto the table and plunged his face deep into the sponge
He gnawed away until his teeth scraped against the bottom of the pan and he sucked up the remnants
Judging all of the measurements by eye Wafer quickly threw together another
With the fresh mix in the oven he worked his way back to the Zoomers
The stairs creaked as he clambered back up to his desk
He struggled with packing himself into the webcam's shot


A bored art critic waddled down the road ranting about galleries being closed
His luxurious new beard kept snagging on his favourite cravat
He graded the children's rainbows and left reviews taped to house windows
He was largely unimpressed by their efforts
Most couldn't even get the colours right


"Business is back, baby!"
Employees could just about make out the muffled cries of their boss from behind his FFP3
He danced on his two metre wide podium and threw the odd latex glove into the crowd
"Oh yeah! Business is back!"


Steve peddled to work on a two billion pound promise
He leaned over the handlebars and hyperventilated through his exciting new hazmat kit
He careered down the road into a line of bright red buses
They pulverised his hips and left him scattered across the road
Steve slowly pulled himself together and clambered back onto the saddle and commenced the roll to his destination
He flopped off the bicycle and dragged the remnants of his body through the essential bakery's doors and leaked all over the freshly disinfected tiles
The barista craned her arms over the coffee pipes and gave Steve a quick spritz too


The TV people sort of said some things
Then they shrugged a bit and rambled some more
None of it made much sense
But everyone was definitely probably safe now
Just so long as they dodged the problematic particles


Colin Fuse peered at his wife through his plastic visor.
She gave it a trial run by sneezing and coughing in his face.
He couldn't believe his luck, completely impenetrable!
He reached under the flap and smeared his fingers across the bone dry surface to double check.
His wife pulled out a red felt tip and scrawled "ALERT" across the visor in big letters.
Colin wrapped two Sainsbury's bags around his fists and proudly marched out the door.
"For the economy!"


Bunkins slapped a sheet of A4 across his gob and trekked to work.
He rattled the shutters and tried to kick the doors in.
"Bozza told me to be here! Open up!"
After a good two hours he began to question why he bothered with the trousers.
He trundled back home to bathe in some antibacterial goop.


Walshy decided he was left handed
Yet another one of his quirks!
He went for a holiday at the end of the garden and wrote his housemates a postcard
The ink had been smeared across the page by Walshy's famous sweaty palms
The group could only work out one or two words
"We can't read this ruddy thing mate" Debs bellowed down the garden
Walshy was ignoring the group, they weren't on the holiday with him
He sloshed another bucket of water into his pile of sand and dipped his toes in


The whole street clutched their rope of invulnerability
They cackled and danced and gasped all over each other
It was hard to believe nobody had thought of this sooner
Not a single tug-of-war team was reported to have caught coronavirus!
"Join the tether Miriam!" hacked Conga Clive
The sun beamed down into Chief Ropesman Dave's magenta dome


Spoonsman slapped his favourite movie soundtrack into the cassette player
He absolutely blasted '(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life' into the neighbour's wall
Medley rattled the walls as ancient cobwebs dislodged from the nightmarish crevices of his room
Spoonsman was eager for the complaints to arrive
He made sandwiches and put on his finest dressing gown
His chap betrayed him
He was anticipating some human interaction


Benedict-Benji-Benzo and Elizabeth-Betsy-Lizzy thought it would be best to sacrifice their grannies
They needed their commute
They needed their self-satisfied lattes
They needed to feel important again


Holly ordered in a loaf of Hovis and a block of cheddar and some wafer thin ham
She practised for the big day by picnicking next to the apartment window and lobbing sandwiches onto distant plates
Her blanket had been quartered and she memorised the distance between each segment
She basked in the rays beneath a gaping window and encouraged the flies to join her sandwiches
As the sun passed overhead she hauled the severed blanket to the other end of her apartment and prepared to do it all again


Rodney had an essential look outside
The neighbour's gnomes looked back at him
A whole group of them too!
His hands clenched into rage filled balls
Rodney bounced through the house pulling down all of the curtain poles and taping them together
He slid the unwieldy creation through his window and plunked away at the gnomes
As they tumbled he shouted abusive phrases he thought up while constructing the new device


Risky Bobbins tried to hold conversations with his television
They would constantly talk over him acting as though he didn't even exist
Incredulous Risky began shouting at them and demanding they listen
Spaghetti hoops and sausage lumps flew from his mouth and smeared down the screen
The self-centred celebos didn't seem remotely interested in what he was eating for dinner
He slammed the pan of spaghetti hoops against the wall and stormed off to bed


The children forgot what the outside looked like
They started painting their rainbows upside down
And the clouds were made of grass


It was time for a birthday party
Agnes hooked a bunch of party poppers up to a length of string
She tied the other end to a door handle
The candles on her flourless cake flickered away
She kicked the door closed and blew out the flames as the poppers ejaculated all over her
She clapped and cheered and grabbed fistfuls of her cake
She was absolutely devouring it


Gobbo drew lips on his thumb and forefinger
His tongue slipped between them and slathered around
His moist lips oozed into the crevices of his fingers
It was a rancid sight


Angus went camping
He'd pitched a tent in the kitchen
Smashed the tent pegs into seat cushions and floor tiles and everything
He tried to avoid unnecessary trips to the fridge and had a hose pipe spewing water onto the tent to keep it as real as possible
It was a mess