Showing posts from October, 2020


Mark sat on his roof.
He hoiked sweets at the approaching children.
His screams demanded they stay back.


A boy caught a flock of birds.
He heaved them into a cage.
Shook the cage violently and held it above his head.
Hoped they'd carry him up into the sky.
Where he'd meet old St. Nick (line inserted for relevance at Christmas, please ignore otherwise).


Gordon slapped a book voucher in a card.
Scrawled "Love Gordo" with his ballpoint.
Sealed the thing shut.
Threw it at his wife.
Things had been going downhill for a while now.


Donovan held Charlotte.
She picked at Donovan's fleas and lice.
Ate them.
Occasionally Donovan scratched his balls.


A sheepish looking panda (see attached picture)
Accidentally teleported to a new location.
The environment seems poorly scaled and the panda sort of just floats on top of it.
He or she (can't tell) isn't really sure how that happened.
But the panda is there now.
Very uncomfortable.


The comedian made some observations.
Things like how Americans are a bit thick.
How you can't find keys when you're looking for them.
How there's a drawer containing old objects you've forgotten about.
It really was fantastic comedy.


The government issued potatoes had run their course.
The rainbow children started eating their shoes.
The shoes were very tough.
Sometimes rubbery.


Wendy acquired some roller skates.
She spent the next five days gliding around the block.
Locals threw bottles of water and snacks (properly disinfected) and cheered Wendy on.
Using the stoppers terrified her.


Podge noticed his slacks were less so.
He flumped down with a ream of Jaffa Cakes.
Wondered how he might handle this situation.


Mick bought a volcano.
He constructed a giant lair.
Practised his laugh.
Tried to come up with a more exciting name.


I took my seat in a café.
Asked to borrow the cashier's pen.
I sniffed it.
Told her she smelled beautiful.
She blasted the pen with Dettol.


Dennis dodged a bullet.
Whizzed right past him!
It flew straight into his wife.
So you know, things still didn't turn out great.
But his reaction time was spectacular.


Dick carefully wrapped his presents.
He utilised the finest ribbons, most extravagant bows, and of course, the clearest tape.
Needless to say, the corner folds were a thing of beauty.
Each present was tagged with thoughtful messages informing the recipient of their excellence.
Now he just had to wait for Christmas.
Dick hoped he'd forget what he bought himself.


Slim Rogers grew a gut.
He used it to hold snacks.
Biscuits, chocolate bars, things like that.
Sometimes in extreme heat the chocolate bars would melt,
But otherwise he was delighted with the growth.


Rain tumbled from the cloud soaked sky.
Mark waded through the dense, wooded regions of the gorge.
His clothes were very porous.
He felt tremendously heavy.


The motorist's (like Michael Schumacher, but not him) car collapsed.
He slumped over the steering wheel and mashed at the pedals.
The vehicle spewed smoke from its engine hole.
Michael (not Schumacher) began an extended rant about the selfishness of smokers before settling in to his new life living in a car on an empty country road.


The boatsman was getting desperate.
In the months since he last saw a woman he still hadn't hauled up any mermaids!
He shook his rod in frustration and slumped back into his deckchair.
The boat creaked around him, which didn't help matters either.


James Bond started eating bullets.
He planned to surprise his enemies with some very violent diarrhoea.


Swigmund ran to the pub.
He ordered one hundred pints.
"You're closing an hour earlier, hurry it up man!" he spluttered whilst slopping down the ale.
The pipes creaked as the publican squeezed juice from the taps.
It seemed impossible, but Swigmund chugged glass after glass of the stuff.
At 10pm he staggered out the door, collapsed into a bush, and swore at the government.


Tom's home became upside down.
His tea spilled onto the ceiling and his dog fell out the window.
The disadvantages of living in a caravan were quickly becoming apparent.


Brian lied to Agnes.
She endlessly clacked together jumpers and scarves.
All very itchy.
His skin was raw.
He told her he owned a giraffe with a very cold neck.
He prayed she'd work through all of her yarn.


Mark's fingers roamed.
They sought new holes.
Edna wasn't pleased.


A man spent hours in a model village
Pretending he was a giant.
Eventually he stepped back out into the real world
But could never get over his diminutive stature.
Even his friends referring to him as "big boy" failed to improve the mood.
Nothing ever felt the same again.


Victoria bought Dudley a bell.
He rang it proudly whenever he needed a dump.


Steve wondered how many people he could murder
Before he'd be considered a serial killer.
He didn't want to be one of those.


Strong winds rustled tree leaves.
They also blew a hang glider off course.
He crashed into Dorothy's house.
She offered him a cup of tea and some biscuits.
His attempts to gnaw at the biscuits and slurp down the brew failed.
Presently his jaw just wasn't up to the task.
Dorothy offered a straw.


Doug fell asleep while listening to Gwen.
He tried to convince her he was only blinking.
"Why did it take six hours then, Doug?" she asked.
"And what was with the snoring?"
His story was falling apart.


A motorist travelled to Swindon.
Had a great time at the roundabouts.
Refuelled and drove home.