Showing posts from August, 2021


Mike joined a colony of cats.
They jumped over a fence and he couldn't do that.
So he got left behind and was sad about it for a few days.

Tom Cruise's Curries

Tom Cruise devoured two troughs of chicken tikka masala.
"Filming tomorrow might be an impossible mission" the director quipped.
Tom noted the title of the series was Mission: Impossible.


Angela vomited all over Tony.
It was a technique she had prepared for months.
She stood by the washing machine.
Encouraged him to strip off.

Batman Battles

Batman had Alfred paint some signs.
Things like 'kapow' 'splat' 'clonk' and 'blammo'
Robin was forced to carry these on their adventures.
Hold them aloft during fights.
If the timing was off Batman would go berserk.
He'd punched a hole clean through 'blap' during the last mission.

Origami Poetry

William Papier learned origami.
He folded his girl a giant heart.
She fucking hated it.
She told him to get down to the fucking shop and buy her a fucking diamond ring.


Millard went to the Antarctic.
He tracked down some penguins.
Sliced them open.
Examined their innards for new material.


Albert pulled!
He told the woman he'd be back shortly.
Pointed towards the toilet and snuck off.
He pelted home.
Cracked the sheets off his bed.
Replaced them with a fetching Buzz Lightyear spread.
Opted to remove the lightbulbs before racing back to the pub.

The Date with Ben

Olivia went on a date.
She hauled along a tin of Ben's Cookies.
Dumped them next to the guy she was trying to impress.
Her date became enamoured.
He peeled back the lid.
Fondled inside the tin.
Olivia watched on.
She was starting to feel like the third wheel.

A Poem about Bras

Janet installed springs in her bra.
She hoped to get a little more attention.
Attract some mates.
She took her first steps out of the flat.
Into a brave new world.
She marched down to the pub.
Momentum built.
She knocked herself out.


A dinner party had been organised.
Arthur rode in on his pissing chariot.
Showing off in front of his friends yet again.
He clonked down his sword and winked at the guests.
Uttered a few words no one could hear because the bloody table was too big.


A moth woke during the day.
It felt overwhelmed and tried to get back to sleep.


Vladimir worked through all the tricks in the book.
Charged under some ladders.
Kicked in a few mirrors.
Whipped open a few umbrellas indoors.
Even hired the local black cats to walk in front of him.
The works.
He put on a helmet.
Elbow pads.
Knee pads.
Shin pads.
This would be a Friday the 13th to remember.

The Charity Beans

Hanz tried to run a bath.
He'd run out of water!
He filled the tub with baked beans.
Stripped off and climbed in.
An audience gathered.
They kept throwing coins at him.
He felt uncomfortable washing his balls.


Victoria's friend bought an exercise bike.
She was astounded by the rate at which it dried clothes.
Everyone got in on the action.
Went ahead and ordered their own.


Jeb's wife wouldn't stop feeding the blasted pigeons.
The vile critters flutter about his feet.
They peck carelessly at his loafers.
Crumbs tumble liberally from his wife's palms.
Jeb sighs with relief as the final crust is dumped.
He sits back and slurps on some Merlot.
Suddenly his wife pipes up.
Sends him to Tesco for a new loaf.
And he can't believe his legs are carrying him there.

I sat on a bench in Regent's Park, the flowery bit. I observed. This is a slice of life.


Susan missed the Olympics.
She invented a new sport to fill the void.
Called it distanceball.
Players flapped about.
Tried propel the ball with wind for a while.
Then they sat around eating biscuits instead.
It all seemed rather successful.
Especially the chocolate digestives.


James blew his nose.
Reattached it to his face.


Six months and Rupert still hadn't asked for nudes.
Rose prodded at her body.
She shipped out a message demanding answers.

The Assassin

Giles Ravensburger adopted a cat.
He spent months training the creature to assassinate his enemies.
Sharpened its claws to even pointier points.
The cat didn't appear to be absorbing the lessons.
It needled at Giles's thighs.
Each talon piercing through his skin.
Small volcanoes of blood formed upon his legs.
The cat curled up and purred with delight.


Marcus got lost.
Obviously he wouldn't be admitting that.
Instead he messaged friends.
Told them it was time for a game of hide-and-seek.
Tried to figure out how foraging worked during the down time.


More babies leaked out.
"Another one? How many now!?"
Some had a few stabs at the answer.
No one was quite sure.