Showing posts from August, 2021


Mike joined a colony of cats.
They jumped over a fence and he couldn't do that.
So he got left behind and was sad about it for a few days.

Tom Cruise's Curries

Tom Cruise devoured two troughs of chicken tikka masala.
"Filming tomorrow might be an impossible mission" the director quipped.
Tom noted the title of the series was Mission: Impossible.

Poems for June 2019

June. Still no recollection of events from the month in question. Poems ahead might guide us. Probably won’t. It would be nice if they did though, for the sake of content.

A small bird flew into a window.
It smashed itself to pieces and died.

What an opener! A tragic tale, unless you happen to hate birds so much you want to watch them crushed by windows, then this will be right up your street. If you want to be up sad feelings street, then you need to hold more traditional feelings towards the death of animals.

She sat naked on the picnic blanket
The men were not naked which was a bit strange
But women look better naked anyway so it didn't seem like too much of a big deal
The grapes and pastries had gone everywhere

Now this I remember. It’s a poem inspired by a piece of art, one that looks a bit like the poetry suggests. For additional clues, look up Manet. If you happen to live in London, you can see a smaller, earlier version of the painting in the Courtauld Gallery. Google told me that. The first review that caught my eye suggests the entry price might be a bit high for the size of the gallery, but it’s an area worth visiting anyway. I think they do ice skating there in the winter at some point.

Luke Skywalker's lightsaber wouldn't power on.
This disaster was occurring in front of the whole class.
Had Princess Leia stolen the batteries again?
Luke was finding the whole situation rather awkward.

Big stilts.
Tall clown.

I checked to see whether anyone had ever ice skated on stilts so you don't have to. The answer is yes. It’s a lot like regular ice skating, but higher up. I suspect falling hurts more. I wouldn’t bother with it, personally.

The nanny locked herself in the closet.
She knew she wasn't allowed to lock up the kids.
But no one ever said she couldn't hide in there.

Imagine that, having to deal with children. I realise now that I also wrote a poem about looking after children in May, I’m not sure what was going on during this period of my life, but it certainly didn’t involve any babies. I’d know if it did, in fact I’m fairly sure they’d still exist. I recommend reading the May collection. There’s lots of Mary Berry in it. This one isn’t about Mary Berry.

The pen cap had been misplaced.
He fashioned a new one out of his nostril.
It was all going pretty well until he sneezed.

I must have been playing with a pen when the lightning bolt of inspiration struck for this piece. I’ve used several pens throughout my life, but I try to avoid them whenever possible. I know a person who loves pens, and the good thing about pens is they’re always running out for the people stupid enough to use them. You know what that means? Easy thoughtless gifts.

She climbed to the top of the mountain.
Breathed the fresh mountainy air.
Then gazed upon the journey back down.
She hacked her legs off with a shovel and called mountain rescue.

Likely written after I went on a walk and got tired halfway through.

I crossed the road at the zebra crossing.
I turned around and went back.
The driver looked angry.
I was letting the power get to my head again. 

I’d like to draw your attention to the poem above. It’s a very good one. I recommend crossing the road at a zebra crossing once or twice in your life. Just for the rush of power.

The man's moustache made him look like Hitler.
Oh it is Hitler.
The bartender asked Hitler to leave.
Hitler looked dejected but promptly vacated.
He didn't want to cause another fuss.

Never joke about Hitler. He was bad news.

Everyone said you have to believe in yourself.
Colton gave it his best shot.
He closed his eyes and imagined his flight.
For three seconds he really thought he had it.

Chocolate melted between his fingers.
He felt bad for the starving children who couldn't enjoy chocolate.
He cried about it for hours.
There was so much water going to waste that he felt awful and couldn't stop.
He stored his tears in tupperware and shipped them to Africa.
Concerned about the plastics ending up in the ocean he scrawled 'sorry!' on it in fish language.

Every single concern of humanity in one poem. That’s the good stuff. I suspect the weather was quite warm around the day this was written. I must have been having a nightmare of a time with some chocolate biscuits.

I rest my head upon a pillow.
Then I wait to fall asleep.
Then I fall asleep.
Then I am sleeping.

Do you struggle to sleep? I'm sorry to hear that.

He knew all of the alphabet.
From A to the other one.
He'd just pick a letter out of the air.
Like F or something and then immediately say the one after it.
Everyone thought he was a bit of a tosser.

There you go, the top ten poems of the month. I didn’t get an overarching story out of it. Did you know there are poetry collections that just rattle through the poems with no additional input from the author? Leave me alone.


Angela vomited all over Tony.
It was a technique she had prepared for months.
She stood by the washing machine.
Encouraged him to strip off.

Batman Battles

Batman had Alfred paint some signs.
Things like 'kapow' 'splat' 'clonk' and 'blammo'
He made Robin carry them on missions.
Robin had to hold the signs up during fights.
If he got the timing wrong Batman went berserk.
He'd punched a hole clean through 'clonk' during the last mission.

Origami Poetry

William Papier learned origami.
He folded his girl a giant heart.
She fucking hated it.
She told him to get down to the fucking shop and buy her a fucking diamond ring.


Millard went to the Antarctic.
He tracked down some penguins.
Sliced them open.
Examined their innards for new material.


Albert pulled!
He told the woman he'd be back shortly.
Pointed towards the toilet and snuck off.
He pelted home.
Cracked the sheets off his bed.
Replaced them with a fetching Buzz Lightyear spread.
Opted to remove the lightbulbs before racing back to the pub.

The Date with Ben

Olivia went on a date.
She hauled along a tin of Ben's Cookies.
Dumped them next to the guy she was trying to impress.
Her date became enamoured.
He peeled back the lid.
Fondled inside the tin.
Olivia watched on.
She was starting to feel like the third wheel.

A Poem about Bras

Janet installed springs in her bra.
She hoped to get a little more attention.
Attract some mates.
She took her first steps out of the flat.
Into a brave new world.
She marched down to the pub.
Momentum built.
She knocked herself out.


A dinner party had been organised.
Arthur rode in on his pissing chariot.
Showing off in front of his friends yet again.
He clonked down his sword and winked at the guests.
Uttered a few words no one could hear because the bloody table was too big.


A moth woke during the day.
It felt overwhelmed and tried to get back to sleep.


Vladimir worked through all the tricks in the book.
Charged under some ladders.
Kicked in a few mirrors.
Whipped open a few umbrellas indoors.
Even hired the local black cats to walk in front of him.
The works.
He put on a helmet.
Elbow pads.
Knee pads.
Shin pads.
This would be a Friday the 13th to remember.

The Charity Beans

Hanz tried to run a bath.
He'd run out of water!
He filled the tub with baked beans.
Stripped off and climbed in.
An audience gathered.
They kept throwing coins at him.
He felt uncomfortable washing his balls.


Victoria's friend bought an exercise bike.
She was astounded by the rate at which it dried clothes.
Everyone got in on the action.
Went ahead and ordered their own.


Jeb's wife wouldn't stop feeding the blasted pigeons.
The vile critters flutter about his feet.
They peck carelessly at his loafers.
Crumbs tumble liberally from his wife's palms.
Jeb sighs with relief as the final crust is dumped.
He sits back and slurps on some Merlot.
Suddenly his wife pipes up.
Sends him to Tesco for a new loaf.
And he can't believe his legs are carrying him there.

I sat on a bench in Regent's Park, the flowery bit. I observed. This is a slice of life.


Susan missed the Olympics.
She invented a new sport to fill the void.
Called it distanceball.
Players flapped about.
Tried propel the ball with wind for a while.
Then they sat around eating biscuits instead.
It all seemed rather successful.
Especially the chocolate digestives.


James blew his nose.
Reattached it to his face.


Six months and Rupert still hadn't asked for nudes.
Rose prodded at her body.
She shipped out a message demanding answers.

The Assassin

Giles Ravensburger adopted a cat.
He spent months training the creature to assassinate his enemies.
Sharpened its claws to even pointier points.
The cat didn't appear to be absorbing the lessons.
It needled at Giles's thighs.
Each talon piercing through his skin.
Small volcanoes of blood formed upon his legs.
The cat curled up and purred with delight.


Marcus got lost.
Obviously he wouldn't be admitting that.
Instead he messaged friends.
Told them it was time for a game of hide-and-seek.
Tried to figure out how foraging worked during the down time.


More babies leaked out.
"Another one? How many now!?"
Some had a few stabs at the answer.
No one was quite sure.