Showing posts from January, 2020


The barista forgot how to make coffee.
She prodded at the buttons and tugged on the tubes and spouts.
She tried to cover herself by speaking in a vague Italian accent.
Her latte art globbed into vague penis shapes.

The Tree Collection

He elected to establish an arboretum

He began collecting the local trees

This required a lot of digging

And a lot of heavy machinery

The neighbours didn't appreciate the process at all


"Shall we kiss?"

Seconds later her lips smeared across mine

I had agreed promptly

The fairy lights twinkled

We smiled


A man struggled to row his boat

He wore a very restrictive coat

His Casio Keyboard

He whipped out the Casio and slapped it onto the dining table

Plates and cutlery rattled away as he navigated the menus

He found the setting for bongos

This dinner party was just getting started

Things were about to get REAL

Harboured Desires

He went to Primark and bought a pinstripe suit

He wore it up the town every day hoping people would notice

For years he had been harbouring desires for a nickname

Stripy, pins, even pinstripe would do

Nothing was catching so he considered packing in the whole idea


His partner covered herself in chocolate scents

Then had the gall to complain when he started licking her arms and legs and face on the bus

He couldn't believe what he was hearing!

Some Added Gravitas

"And then I shot him five times"

Concerns he was losing his date's attention were quickly addressed with the added gravitas

She inquired as to how he got the gun as her tired expression turned to one of panic

"Never you mind that" he replied with a wink before shooting finger guns into the air

Bulk Cheddar

A trip to the farmers market resolved in a monthly direct debit for bulk orders of cheese

It was a decision regretted almost immediately

It became downright inconvenient after the second delivery

Attempts to clear the backlog included eating cheese with every meal

There was cheddar on Frosties and cheddar on ice cream and every night was a fondue night

The whole situation became such a burden that he sought new ways to use this cheese

He began to use a block as a paperweight despite never even needing one of those before

And he would occasionally shave a slice off to use as a cheese bookmark

High Noon

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us"

The declaration seemed inaccurate at best

There were after all plenty of other people roaming about town

And more than enough space in the nearby guest house

Nobody seemed particularly keen on belabouring the point


Tactically it had be to acknowledged that he had the advantage

He was carrying the shotgun after all

And the fluffy rabbits offered little in the way of defence

The Pencil Case

The couple spent an entire day arguing over pens being stored in a pencil case

It started out as a joke really but they became fixated on their ideals

They struggled to move on with their lives after this


Sly Jonathan peeled the eyebrows from his face.
He had concerns it might affect his expressiveness.
Concerns outweighed by plans to pretend it was all for charity.
The accolades from colleagues were so very enticing.
But he remained resolute in his desires against giving to the poor.


Al Gore's rhythm was absolutely shocking

The timing of his head nodding was well off

And he kept stepping on his date's toes

She wished he'd stop doing that


He recalls the time he bought a hamster

The event occurred about two months ago

He looks at the hamster's cage

He regrets failing to remember the purchase sooner


The adventurer adored dinosaurs so much he decided to pay them a visit.
He got himself a clock, a calendar, sand, springs, mirrors, foil, and a net to catch himself in case the land isn't where it currently was.
It was perfect.
He taped his time machine together and set the clock and calendar to the correct time and date and then he waited.
Occasionally he prised open the door of his box and discovered his wife still sitting there, staring.
He couldn't tell if she was getting any younger.
He didn't dare ask.


The atmosphere in the place was electric

Owing largely to all of the exposed wiring


Pete Turkey wanted some Rolos

He tried his best to remember them

He recalled the texture, the scent, the taste

He began to salivate


Her husband walked into the living room

He bared a mischievous expression

"What have you been up to now?"

Bulging pockets enveloped suspiciously puce hands

He had been tightening all of the jars in the kitchen

He could barely contain himself


He decided to cross the road

He had a good time with the decision making process and was pretty pleased with this one

He very quickly realised he had misjudged the speed at which the car was travelling


He enters the club and slithers his way to the dance floor

He moves like a combative hawk

His skin secretes and dribbles down his body

The floor becomes slick beneath him

Other dancers struggle with their footing and tumble upon one another


Batman hopped out of his Batmobile and began the chase.
As he tried to run his legs flung into the air and he landed on his head.
His cape was caught in the Batmobile's Batdoor!
Batman bent his bat ears in the fall and sat on the floor sulking.
Alfred offered to send out some replacements and tried his best to console Batman.


Smackers motioned towards the kennels and requested a dog

"Something with a bit of zip in it"

The newly retrieved dog collapsed under Smackers' weight

"Did you mean a horse, sir?"

Smackers stared at the floor and edged his way out of the building


Beast was looking a little down

"Why so blue, bub?" asked Wolverine, busy gelling his hair and hoping he wouldn't accidentally claw himself

He hadn't considered the potential implications


Chet started doing one of his accents again

It was one of the accents Chet probably shouldn't be doing

Tom wished he would stop doing that sort of thing while he was busy looking humble


He wafts into the nearby bakery after admiring their islands of bread

A woman behind the counter greets him with upturned lips that glisten beneath the low light

He takes the time to admire her islands too

He grabs several loaves of bread and begins to rend them asunder

Dolloping out an elaborate message of love on the crimson tiled floor

She watches as he then takes a sausage roll and begins to make suggestive motions with it

Finally he stands over his message with his arms spread and crumbs tumbling from his raincoat

"Well?" he stands proudly

"You realise you've got to pay for all of that, right?" she replied

His heart sank into his loafers and his body fell onto the bed of bread words


Sam and his crew went to put out a fire

While the crew handled that Sam snuck around the back of the firetruck and peeled off his underwear

It whiffed of persistent guffing and went up like a bonfire when he held a match to them

He heaved the fireball into a neighbouring window

Last night Sam had accidentally eaten his wife's strawberry scented hair as they slept

He didn't feel like returning home while he was still coughing up wads of the stuff

He feared it would look suspicious


A poet gnawed away at a Toblerone

They thought about the success of writing 365 poems of varying quality in 365 days

That's a poem a day for a year if leap years are excluded

Which they were because it wasn't a leap year

Nobody celebrated the achievement

Flakes of chocolate began to melt into the poet's jeans


A teacher was too busy with the television to mark his students' coursework

He instead opted to base the grades on their heights

Scuttling through the work he noticed none required the students to measure themselves

He pondered the situation as Alan Titchmarsh potted a pansy whilst wearing his new gardening shoes

The speed at which Titchmarsh traversed the lawn seemed unattainable in typical footwear

He assigned them random heights

That seemed like the fairest option given the circumstances


A man bought himself a terrapin

He named the terrapin Andy

Andy didn't get up to much and the man suggested Andy try to get out the house or something

Andy was having none of it

It didn't even seem like he was listening


He began several countdowns to the new year

The clock on the wall said one thing

His phone said another

Jools Holland insists he knows what's best despite being closer to November

And fireworks already explode outside his window

Ten, six, four, nine, five, three, eight, four, two

He struggled to keep the times in order

It still seemed worth the effort for three times the average celebration

He leaned back in his armchair and ate another Party Ring