Showing posts from January, 2021


Samuel tapped out some Morse code on the shared wall.
"How is your lockdown going?" it said.
He eagerly awaited the response.
Some thuds returned.
"Shut the fuck up"
Samuel convinced himself that had to be a coincidence.
They couldn't possibly have learned Morse code so quickly.
He got to work on knocking out the question to confirm.


Dave tried to learn a foreign language.
He gave up and started speaking louder instead.
And with an even more aggressive tone.
Techniques for throwing pub furniture soon followed.


The Queen tried to appeal to the "little people".
She moved into a flat in Barking.
Corgis yapping away.
A downstairs neighbour smashed the ceiling with a broom.
The Queen eventually gave in and called up the Beefeaters.
She rammed the newly acquired head onto a broom handle and displayed it outside her flat door.


The floorboard creaked.
Gary cursed his luck.
It confirms his suspicions.
Another day gone and he still can't float.


Geoff bought a boomerang.
He ran outside and launched the curvaceous tool through the sky.
He spent the next three days calling out.
Trying to coax it back to his hand.
Tears froze as they tumbled down Geoff's cheeks.
His wife brought out supplies.
Knocked the snow off his head and begged him to come indoors.


It had been so long since he spoke to anyone that a man forgot his own name.
He worried about how to handle introductions in the future.
He desperately dug through drawers and wardrobes inspecting the garments.
Hoping for clues left by his mother.


A whole night of snow.
Jeremy unhooked himself from the home office desk.
Dared to step outside.
He slipped on the ice!
It was carrying him all the way to work.
Straight down the A11 towards the Gherkin.
He flapped about unable to find any traction in his pyjamas and slippers.
Police ran alongside demanding to know whether there was a good reason for travelling.
Further down the road they waited to ensnare him with stingers.


Laura started growing her nails.
She planned on scratching Catherine.
Planned on calling her a slag.


James turned on all of the fans in his house.
Hoisted sails on the roof and flapped his arms a bit too.
Tried to get the thing to fly away.


Zachery whipped out the old violin.
Perched the tool on his shoulder and winked at his date (on Zoom if still in lockdown).
The stick bit ground against the strings.
It sounded horrific.
He knew he should have practised.


Gary sat on the internet.
It seemed almost impossible.
But there he was,
Sitting on the Google sign,
Waving the search results.


Brian ordered a hat off Amazon.
The postman hurled it down the driveway and smashed the door a few times with a telescopic rod.
"Thank you" screamed Brian, appreciating the brief contact with another human.
He hauled the parcel inside, blasted it with disinfectant, and tore in.
Brian fished the hat from some diarrhoea scented packing material and slapped it on his head.
He looked into a mirror and held a conversation with the stranger.


"Cuckoo, cuckoo"
"You're doing this every fucking hour, Mark"
He leaned in closer.
"Cuckoo, cuckoo."
"Fine. I don't want one anymore."
Mark settled back into the couch.
A smug toothy grin filled his face.


Gunther ran to catch his plane.
It was hopeless.
The damn thing was too high up.


A man waited for a bus.
A woman was there too.
She also waited.
They climbed aboard upon its arrival.
Probably got off some time later.


Andy built another shed.
Jade complained.
The garden was full of them now.
"It's like a damn Christmas market out there"
Andy got back on the web and ordered metal sheds instead.


Ken had a brilliant idea.
It was time for a change of pace.
He'd start living his life backwards!
He woke up in the morning and acted like it was almost bed time.
Brushed his teeth and got out of his pyjamas.
Things weren't as adventurous as he'd hoped so far.


"If it were that easy I'd have finished hours ago!"
Oscar's thumb pulsed.
He aligned the hammer with the tip of the nail.
Observed the remnants of the wall surrounding it.
Gave the whole ordeal another shot.
Sue chimed in again.
"I just think it would work out better if you hit it."
The timing was inappropriate.
Oscar squealed.
Another miss.


Oozy Jack hopped into the bath.
All of the other bathers shrieked in horror and clambered out.
Jack enjoyed the ripples of the water.
He felt inspired.


Letters fell through the door.
I opened them eagerly.
Bills, mostly.
I punched the air with delight.
Others were alive!
They still wanted me!


Ian played with his fingers.
He chewed on the nails.
Squeezed the tips.
Eventually he threw them into the river with the rest of the body.


Robert boarded the tram determined to get his money's worth.
He rode it to the end of the line.
He disembarked and looked around at the destination.
An old woman appeared, said he looked lost.
Robert agreed, offered a mint.


A swordsman sliced his fingers off.
Somehow he'd picked up the sword from the wrong end.
He couldn't help but laugh as he tried to grab the hilt with his oozing palm.


Alan collected those buy one get one free vouchers off his bags of chocolate.
You know, for tickets to Alton Towers, Thorpe Park, that sort of thing.
They were all dated for 2021.
He remained positive.


Dan heard the distinct rattle of wooden spoon to pan.
He was late!
He grabbed his cricket bat and dashed outside.
They weren't outdoing him this time.
He smashed the absolute shit out of his house windows.
Chanted "Boris" to the beat.


Robert dug out a pen and some paper.
He clambered over the piano.
Slid across a dishevelled yoga mat.
Hacked through strings of yarn and dodged any protruding needles.
He fell into a bicycle and a pile of baking trays clattered to the floor.
Finally, he made it to his desk.
He swept away the scale models and slapped down his paper.
Then started work on a new list of hobbies to try.


"Not this again!"
Greg squeezed into a hazmat suit and hurried to the shops.
He charged ahead
Sweat pooling at his feet
He panicked at the thought of what might await.
On arrival he scoured the shelves for meal deals.
Nothing left.
It was time for plan B.
He began the hunt for ham and cheese and a loaf of bread.
He dragged the ingredients home and set them on the counter.
Tried to mash the lot together
Create some sort of meal for himself.
Eventually he collapsed on the kitchen floor.


Her wedding night!
Bethany groaned watching her husband unsheathed himself.
She knew his reasons for refusing sex before marriage were horseshit.


Sherlock Holmes sleuthed.
Suddenly his eyes turned into magnifying glasses.
His head got very heavy and he fell into the evidence.
Watson tried to haul him up.


Matthew slid open his tie drawer.
He greeted each and every one of them.
Complimented their appearance.
Gave a sly wink to his favourite.
Stroked them.


New Year's Day.
Chris had fallen asleep on Zoom.
He was surrounded by cans of beer and his mates were laughing at him.
One of the other lads got too excited.
Tried to daub rude words across Chris's forehead.
The pen smeared across his monitor.