Showing posts from February, 2022


Some bozo,
With his stupid striped jumper,
Kept losing his travel accessories.
He enlisted the aid of children to recover them.
Parents remained content,
Pleased they wouldn't disturb the flow of alcohol.

The Perils of Traversal

I’ve been on a trip. A trip down a flight of stairs, you must understand. It’s an unfortunate turn of events as I had plans to write a grand tale, a tale the likes of which had never been told before. But then the fall happened. Ideas tumbled from my head as I clonked my way to the ground floor, clinging to my typewriter for dear life. The inclusion of a typewriter however, is convenient, as now, crumpled at the bottom of a flight of stairs, I can log the current events. The absolute state of them.

There are some regrets to be found, failing to pay enough attention at the summit being chief among them. I was carrying a typewriter at the time, you see, because I’m a poet, a story teller of sorts. I need these tools with me, but sometimes hauling around a typewriter can lead to some very precarious scenarios. It’s comparable, I suppose, to a lumberjack and their chainsaw. Especially if the lumberjack left their chainsaw revving away, always ready for action. Typewriters must be ready for action, you never know when the thoughts might occur and need to be splashed upon a page. You could make that comparison into one of those things, if you like. A simile.

If at all possible, I’d recommend you avoid falling down the stairs. The process is fraught with danger. Not only the distance, which is likely to be travelled at pace, but each and every step can be considered a hazard, too. Though I weathered the journey quite well, I must say. I’ve established this could be due to one of two things. It’s entirely possible I’m indestructible, to me this seems like the most likely of the two options, and would be incredibly good news. The other option is the very small chance that I, quite possibly, got lucky. These questions are difficult to answer without replication of the event and I’m not willing to perform any additional experiments. Those are the facts, take them as you will.

Having established my body remains intact and fully functional I've made my way to the kitchen. I continue to slap out words on the trusty typewriter with one hand, so as to not miss a moment of action, and with the other I’m prepping a ham and cheese sandwich. I’ve noticed that some countries have exotic names for such concoctions, and fair play to them, it’s a combination deserving of one. They’re all pretty much the same, though. There’s only so much you can do with cheese and pig and bread.

You might find yourself wondering why I’m going for a sandwich, after such a perilous trip why aren’t I pushing the boat out? Well, I gave cooking a shot once. I followed the instructions to the letter, and, as a result, everything turned out perfectly. I simply didn’t enjoy the act. I must admit I can’t quite understand how people manage to get that stuff so wrong. Are they unaware of the concept of measurements and time and also temperature settings?

That’s a subject to ruminate on, so I shall give myself some time before delving deeper.

By the way, the stairs were carpeted. I thought it was worth mentioning as that sort of thing takes the edge off. It’s time for me to eat a sandwich and get back to writing poems.

Hat Week

A guy with five hats wore a different hat on each week day.
The weekend came around and he struggled to figure out what to do.
After several hours of contemplation he decided no one would get to see him this weekend.
He painted over his windows then he scratched his head and went about organising his hats for the next week.
When Monday came he regretted the decision to paint over his windows.

Driveway Incident

During a routine driveway manoeuvre,
Helen had managed to run over her husband.
It was unintentional,
Quite shocking too.
Not many people want to run over others, you see.
But Helen had to admit, she wasn't that upset about it.

A Boy and His Scarf

A young boy with a very long scarf sat on a bench with a cold girl.
The scarf snaked towards her in high winds.
She proposed sharing the woven length so they might be warm together.
The boy agreed.
Twenty years later they married.


Some guy robbed a bank.
He gave the majority of his earnings to those less privileged.
The public struggled to form an opinion.


One old man got in a fight with another,
Their walking sticks acting as swords.
A cat watched on.
The cat went home and, owing to a recent delivery, found a box to sleep in for a while.


Some guy slapped down a wad of cash.
"Will that do you?"
Not enough to affect his life in any meaningful way,
But enough to make some problems disappear.
He departed to slather over another youthful figure.

Washing Machine

My trousers wore tighter than once they were.
A MAJOR disagreement with my washing machine occurred.
Finally it mustered the courage to talk,
But at such a terrible time.
The machine's social skills were lacklustre at best.
His door flapped away and phrases like "fat bastard" spilled out.


Aladdin from those Disney films,
Would rub anything he could get his hands on,
Praying for a return to the good old days.
Jasmine was constantly left embarrassed.


Chip joined the Valentine's Day proposal queue.
Once at the head he peeled off Rose's blindfold, unplugged her ears, and popped the big question.
He did this with a ring encapsulating the contents of his bank account.
This made the proceedings very meaningful indeed.
Rose cried and said yes and all of that stuff.
A crowd had gathered.
The obstruction irritated a commuter.


Paul locked the door and got to work on Hazel.
He forgot Maureen had a key!
How could he forget that?
They'd been married for twenty three years.
Maureen was furious.
So furious she almost forgot to offer Hazel a cup of tea.
Once that issue was resolved they became good friends.
Paul found himself banished and in search of a new home.

A Bit Unusual

Kirby took it upon himself to eat the family car.
It was a challenge and took several days but ultimately he managed it.
Saved quite a lot on food too.
From then on his wife insisted he do the school trips.
He had to carry the children on his back and would occasionally make engine noises.
It remained unclear whether Kirby needed to be registered and insured.

A Cold Day

Gloves in the snow,
Lost to their owner,
Cold hands perhaps.

Further Complications

There was a man named Ravi,
A man very difficult to buy for,
This resulted in an awful lot of socks heading his way.
Additionally, Ravi was an indecisive individual.
He couldn't choose which pair of new socks to wear,
He wouldn't like to upset anyone by choosing a pair they didn't gift him.
At first he tried to wear all of the socks at once 
This worked decently but they were pretty restrictive and uncomfortable and he'd need to buy new shoes.
A more extreme plan came to Ravi's mind.
It was of course to cut the issue off at the source,
Remove his feet.
Ravi anticipated further complications with that solution.

The Guy in the Cap

A guy with a backwards cap and sunglasses mounted the couch's arm.
He popped his collar and enquired about various cool subjects.
Eventually he fell off the arm of the couch.
He found himself prostrate and refusing to move until everyone had left.


Of all the places,
The fall had to be in a sword museum.
Curators were furious about the stains Neil was leaving,
And he could tell his arm wasn't where it was supposed to be anymore.

Thoughts on the Board Game of Monopoly

An entire family wrapped round a table.
Somehow found themselves lumbered with Monopoly.
They spent the next three years trudging through the dirge,
Imagining life on the real Old Kent Road,
A life filled with trips to Asda.
Grandma had collapsed.
How the rest longed for release.

A Day

That's one bag of Monster Munch down.
That's another bag of Monster Munch down.
Bed I suppose.

Burgers for Two

Two men who would later become friends but didn't know that yet,
Entered entirely different McDonald's ?restaurants? on the same day.
They never knew this,
It never came up.