Showing posts from May, 2021

Proud British Boat Poetry

Boris Johnson loaded up the Proud to be British Boat.
Tiny Union Jacks were handed out as passengers boarded.
Prince Andrew hovered on deck.
He offered to free parents from their children.
Said he would give back to the community by nannying.
The children sat in small, dark rooms as he read them books about his mother (assumed).
Adults sloshed down alcohol and waved their flags as they waited for their opportunity to worship at the Queen's shrine. 


The date was going terribly.
Mallory ran to the toilet declaring an emergency.
She clambered into the bowl and began some vigorous attempts at flushing.
After twenty minutes of trying to squeeze down the U bend and several enquiries as to whether she was ok she admitted defeat.
She climbed out and held her socks and shoes under the hand dryer.

Owl of Good Fortunes

An owl perched upon the statue's finger.
Big eyes, feathers, wings, the lot.
Villagers presented a mouse to the owl.
In return the owl offered the villagers good fortunes.
The villagers cheered and the owl fluttered away.


Spider-Man crawled into Cumslap's ear.
Cumslap began pointing at everything.
Then Spider-Man swung over to another guy and crawled into that one's head too.
Fingers flashed before his gormless expression.
This whole ordeal continued through several people.
Spider-Man was waxier than ever.
He was hating the job, to be fair to him.
Eventually everyone was pointing at everyone else.
A whole room of scumbags, fingers transfixed upon one another.
They were, it came as a shock to no one, all liars.


Some poors worked in retail.
Argos, Poundland, that sort of thing.
A comedian rocked up and started asking questions.
For some reason he assumed they'd know the inner workings of their companies.
Be aware of stock levels in every department and so on.
He took this material on stage.

The Unit

Jeff (18) took a razor to his scalp.
Set to work shaving off the hair.
He made a wig out of the harvest.
One less worry for the future.


John tripped over a ghost.
It had to be.
There's no way he'd be so clumsy.


Jack bought some plants.
He watered them.
Spoke to them.
Loved them more than his children.
The children became jealous.
They bought plant pots and buried their feet in the dirt.
Jack lost it.
Screamed at them.
Called them frauds.
Then went back to reading The Gruffalo to his orchid.


George booked flights to Portugal.
Packed his bags.
Burned a few phrase books.
If needed, he'd let his fists do the talking.


The car stopped.
Mary didn't seem to have a say in the matter.
She stamped her feet on the pedals and punched the steering wheel.
Called it a bastard too.
She received the silent treatment and sobbed into the glovebox.

Sea in the Shoes

Ronald pissed himself and his shoes squelched as he walked.
He closed his eyes and imagined wading through the ocean.


Yogi forgot how to do up his tie.
It turned into a sort of noose.
Boo-Boo discovered him later that day.

Mary Berry's Mr Kipling Adventure

Mary Berry scouted the room for cameras.
Her eyes darting from left to right.
Hand edging towards the cake stand.
She snatched a Mr Kipling.
Guzzled the sponge in one.
Stretched back across her chaise longue.


Uno cards dealt.
Tom gave himself a game.
He laid down a reverse card.
Got confused.


Brad ate some chips.
But he called them french fries.
And he was in America.
So fair enough really.


A woman baked some bread.
She sold it back to herself for five times the cost of the materials.
Business was off to a good start.
She imagined the future.


Jason bought a deck of cards.
A Rubik's cube.
He bought an acoustic guitar too.
He aimed to be this year's megatwat.


Albert shook his own hand.
Turned and finger gunned a mirror.
He looked irritatingly pleased with himself.

A Wealth of Chocolate

Some guy with lots of chocolate didn't share his chocolate.
He ate chocolate and laughed at the people without chocolate.
The people without chocolate were sad about this.

Riding the Train

Scott rode the train.
His expression was joyless, perhaps owing to the air resistance, but in truth he was loving it.
He loved feeling the wind whoosh through his hair as they rattled down the rails.
A conductor waited at the next platform.
Planned to coax him down with an array of meats.

The Hole

Franklin fell down a hole.
His cries for help were fruitless.
The hole was very isolated.
Over time he began to respect the hole.
They became good friends.


Charles ran to the polling station.
Union flag fluttering in tow.
He kicked open the doors and scoured the ballot paper for the queen.
Began demanding answers from staff.
Returned home confused.


While Patrick slept he consumed a pillow.
The next morning his mouth felt very dry.
His neck ached.
He felt very full.

Pursuit of Wine

Sebastian pursued his love of wine.
Each journey became increasingly difficult.


John shot Arthur.
He wasn't pleased with the resulting stain.
This was typical of Arthur.
Always causing more trouble than he's worth.


Edward equipped a guitar.
He hacked away at the strings.
Knocked out some old guff about love.
His girlfriend tried her best to tune it out.


John got in touch with Amazon Customer Service.
Informed them it was his birthday.
Demanded they supply gifts.


Stuart tried to elbow bump Katie.
For some reason halving the length of your arm was the done thing these days.
He smiled at the observation his brain made.
Then he missed Katie's elbow.
They fell into each other.
Their masks fell off their ears.
They kissed.
Police charged the pair down.
Began clubbing them with disinfected truncheons.
Zapped them with Dettol laced pepper spray.

At The Movies

Samuel L. Jackson got lost in his green screen.
He wandered about for hours.
Hurled the typical zingers at people he imagined might be there.
He cried out for Robert Downey Jr. and the rest of the gang.