Showing posts from April, 2024


A magpie swooped down.
Stole Emily's spoon.
The consumption of her yoghurt turned undignified.


Neal bought a sensible coat.
And some sensible shoes.
And began his new sensible life


A space ranger received a message on his datapad.
The font was damn near indecipherable.
He stood there trying to work out the difference between the Qs and Gs and Cs and Js and Ts and Us and Os and Ds as the enemy surrounded him.
A half-finished complaint demanding something more legible was found by the search team that followed.


David adopted a dog.
From a shelter.
Thank you very much.
He'd had his favourite breeder drop it off there a few hours earlier.


Brian was running through some attempts to win his girlfriend back.
He'd strummed through some love songs on an acoustic guitar.
Spent a while banging on the windows,
And was currently busy shouting
'I'm not crazy!'
Through the letterbox.


A dragon attacked!
Knights hadn't been around for hundreds of years so everyone was panicking.
And the old man who claimed to be a wizard wasn't any help at all.


Nelson lost his balance.
He fell off that giant column thing.
The long fall gave him time to anger at the scale of it.
And at the bottom he was eaten by some lions.
Which had come alive for some reason.


'His nickname's ironic'
Offered Ivy to the counsellor.
Slow Jeremy stared at his feet.


Gordon got a new hobby.
Something he liked to call 'funeraling'.
Which I suppose is just showing up at funerals.
This afternoon's was magnificent.
The level of carpentry on display was a sight to behold.
He edged himself toward the widow.
Observed she was doing a great job of looking sad.
And asked who crafted the coffin.


Beorge chose his next expedition by jabbing a finger into a map.
Thankfully he'd zoomed right in,
So he landed on Aldi.
It was, to be fair to him, a little out of his comfort zone.
But he was fairly confident he could manage.


Cyril got lost in the hotel corridors.
He cried in some drab corner,
Rested his head on his suitcase,
And wondered if he could get a refund on the room.


Keith's latest passion was farming.
Specialising in eggs.
He acquired some chickens from a local dealer.
Planted them in his allotment.
And waited for the magic to happen.

Becoming a Billionaire

Brank decided to become a billionaire.
He texted his parents.
'I'm going to become a billionaire'
It said
'You've really let me down with the circumstances of your birth'
It continued
'And my own, too.'

Trevor's Day

Trevor Gizzard guzzled a glass of grog.
Which was actually water but I was attempting alliteration.
The tipple timed to 'terrupt today's toil.
Which means he drank his drink so it would slosh its way out of his bladder during work hours.

Blue Plaque

Edwin ordered a blue plaque off the dark web.
He had his name embossed on there along with a short description of his achievements in accounting.
Edwin bolted it to his house and invited colleagues over for a small celebration.


Jeff Spencer tumbled down a hill.
Then down a hole.
When he finally reached the bottom of the hole he started shouting.
'Help I've fallen down a hill,
And a hole.'
This wasn't the sort of situation Jeff Spencer liked to find himself in.
Especially while feeling a little dizzy.

A Poem About Getting Stuck in a Lift and Additional Thoughts

Janet Planet got stuck in a lift.
She apologised to her fellow lifters,
Informed them she was loaded with lactose intolerance,
And set about the balls of mozzarella she'd acquired.

I've never been stuck in a lift, but I am afraid of being stuck in a lift. That's interesting, isn't it? In America, which is a place I have some knowledge of, they call lifts elevators. Some quotes should probably be around that bit somewhere, to clear up the lifts and elevators part, but I've already moved on from that sentence. Same again, really. I don't think I'm the biggest fan of small spaces, if I'm being honest. It's one reason I've avoided dying so far. There are others too, but I don't fancy the small box. If I ever got married I don't think I'd have a traditional wedding. I've heard they cost a lot of money, which isn't even remotely surprising, because people constantly go on about them costing a lot of money. A wedding is a lot like a lift, if you think about it, especially if your wedding location of choice has sliding doors. And goes up and down a lot.

Reverend's Easter

The reverend,
Or the Rev,
As he liked to be called.
Offered his wife,
Who shall henceforth be referred to as 'Rev's Wife' as she's not very important,
A full rundown of his expectations.
'Much like Jesus,'
He said,
'I'm going to be needing to eat nothing but chocolate eggs for two weeks.'
Rev's wife couldn't be bothered to argue,
And plodded off to Sainsbury's.