Showing posts from June, 2023


Luigi invested all of his money into jam.
Which turned out to be so delicious he accidentally ate it all.
Which he had to do directly from the spoon,
Because he couldn't afford any bread,
So it wasn't even as enjoyable as it could have been.
In the end Luigi was pretty upset with how things turned out.


Donald got desperate.
He asked all the women he knew if they'd go on dates with him.
Mother agreed.
She'd always been supportive.

Dog Walking

I borrowed a dog.
During one of our walks this dog made friends with another.
I looked at the other dog's owner.
Concluded this wasn't for me.


Woody brought some alcohol to the party.
He was your classic drunk,
So no one else got a look in on his supplies.
Woody didn't stop there, obviously.
Even the party's back up wine cascaded through his system.
Everyone else just sort of sat around waiting for the night to end.

More Problems with the Hot Weather

June melted to her desk.
She kept glancing at the clock,
Hoping cleaners would come along and scrape her off,
That she'd make it home in time for Love Island.

Colour Blind

A professional snooker player,
Your Ronnie O'Sullivan type.
But not him.
Turned colour blind mid-game.
He got the balls muddled,
Lost in a rather dramatic fashion.
No one believed his reasoning.


Olive called an angler cowardly,
On account of the rod and such.
The angler took offence,
Tore his waders off,
Dove deep into the river,
Then surfaced with a carp between his teeth
And one in each hand,
And an erection.
And he was growling.


Clark set about impressing Miriam.
To do this he bought a car.
The problem was he couldn't drive,
So at night he'd dismantle it and reassemble it in new locations.
And he had to refuse to give Miriam a lift whenever she asked,
Which irritated her a bit.


Edward Cartwright,
Another of the Cartwright brothers,
Was throwing those little stones found in driveways at Iain Cartwright's bedroom window.
'Is my wife in there?!'
The phrase violently expelled itself from his lips.
Nancy's voice followed,
'Yes, Ed, I'm here'
'And why, pray tell, are you cheating on me?'
Edward remained furious in his delivery.
'I'm not, if you think about it.
He's basically you, Ed,
Only he's better at sex'
It was hot outside.
Edward went home to eat some grapes and think about things.


Iain Cartwright,
One of the Cartwright brothers (not famous),
Gifted some stolen gems to his wife.
Then he called the police to report the theft.
Once that was dealt with he invited over his girlfriend.


A moth,
Welcomed itself,
Into Susan's home.
It learned,
For the briefest of moments,
That it was not welcome.


This poem was intentionally left blank.


Mark went for a walk.
Five steps to the fridge,
Four slightly bigger ones back to the couch.

Garden Centre

Julie visited a garden centre.
The eighth this week.
She followed her usual routine,
Buying a tea from the weird café bit,
Then moseying on through to the main event.
Snorting up the petunias, etc.
She could not get enough of the stuff.

A Poem about Hot Weather

It was hot outside.
Simon knew this,
Because his body was leaking all over the place,
While hunched over his computer.


Jeremy took part in a quiz.
Went through the lot insisting he knew all the answers.
So his team were forced to enter things like five as the answer to what does two plus two equal,
And that sort of thing.
Better questions really, less maths based, but I needed something simple to illustrate the point.
It was a disgrace.
The whole team suffered as a result.
All targets of humiliation from the quiz conductor.


Ben's leg snapped in half.
At least that was assumed given the circumstances.
He chose not to look at it.
And would instead attempt to continue on his day as per.
See how things went from there.


Billy bought an iron.
He'd utilise it to remove the wrinkles from his face.
Within seconds he learned this was one of the worst ideas he'd had.


Lewis would start a new life.
Something a little more mischievous.
He'd pair socks incorrectly.
And cut cheese at weird angles.


Aaron's pencil ran out.
He finished his letter with a small amount of blood,
Barely any at all really,
And sent it off to his lover.
A response never came.
He shipped out several hundred more,
Trying to explain the whole blood situation,
In case she found that off-putting.
Each missive got worse.
By the end they were barely legible.


John ate 50 cookies and felt like he was going to die.
But he didn't die.
So he went ahead and ate another 50 cookies the next day.
Eventually he went off cookies.
At least for a brief period.
Then he was back on them.