Showing posts from April, 2020


Sherlock had insisted Watson create mysteries around the house
He stalked the area in his matching detective hat and coat
Sherlock found a finger in the freezer!
Watson stood hands pocketed listing slowly from side to side, a red stain forming on his trousers
"By jove! Watson, my boy, you've done it again!" Sherlock tipped his special detective hat towards his partner
Watson tried to form a congratulatory smile beneath his bushy moustache before collapsing to the floor
Sherlock Holmes pulled out his sewing kit and got to work


"I don't care if Major Captain Tom dies"
Elon was stomping through his musky guff filled apartment slamming doors and punching pillows
"I want my coffee!"


John was sick of the constant Zoomings
Meetings seemed to be growing on trees and the family quiz nights were an absolute disaster
He took a brick to his webcam and ordered five hundred sets of pyjamas


Victoria decided to do a backflip
She cleared a runway in her room and did some rather impressive stretches
Peering over her shoulder she imagined the majesty of it all
Quickly she transformed into a wheel of flailing bones
The fool hadn't practised at all!
It was, to say the least, a painful experience


Tommy went to the busiest bottleneck he could find
It was time for more clapping!
Tommy wasn't going to be outdone again
He heaved a full drum kit down the street and hung a rather voluptuous horn around his neck
He pursed his lips and parped valiantly into his spit nozzle
He clapped gleefully and coated the crowd in a veneer of slobber


Bog was finally out of toilet paper and he definitely wasn't going back to the shops
He tried knitting his own but found it incredibly tough to eat and the wool was of very poor quality
Bog stared at the bottle of bleach and it gazed back at him
As an adult he had already figured out how to handle the child proof locks
Apparently only some scientists thought it was a bad idea


Magnet waved to Ethel from across the street
He quite liked these new social distancing rules
He could pretend he wanted to speak to people
Ethel didn't much care for the new guidelines
Her frail legs burst into action as powdery hips crumbled around them
She spewed questions of children aunts, uncles, grans, and granddads
Magnet quickly pulled out his trusty chalk and drew a two metre radius around himself


The stock broker's golden Andrex was being pulverised by tears and mucus
He Zoomed up his pals Mark-o, Paul-o, Dick-o, and Bill-o
"Why don't they care about us? Where are the claps for me chaps?"
"Don't worry Pete-o. They'll forget about the scum driving vans when this blows over"
Waves of sherry formed in his golden goblet as he quivered with rage


Bertie took to hanging shopping bags in his doorways and sat waiting for them to billow
He hoped to catch some ghosts
It would be nice to have some new friends around the house


Boots told Jessica so many times how much he adored her body
Finally she had been convinced to sleep naked
Boots was pleased to have finally found some bait for the spiders


Unfortunately Timothy woke to discover that he hadn't covered himself in glory


Peter was desperate to visit the pub
He set up a dart board in the kitchen and started lobbing his trusty spears towards it
The fridge quickly became perforated and the dog was leaking all over the floor


Albert made the most of the extra time he had around the house
He'd ordered a crowbar off the internet and used it to prise the sheets from his bed
Then he snapped them in half and shuffled them into the washing machine
He was feeling immensely proud of his work


Bertie buzzed his bonce
It was a risk as he didn't even own one of those special hair cutting ponchos!
Bits bounced everywhere binding to his buttery skin
Bertie spent the rest of the day scratching his flesh raw


"Are we sure this is going to work Matthew?"
"Yes, yes, this'll do it."
Matthew pulled out his special badge and affixed it to his lapel
"You're looking particularly honourable now and it is a nice healthy green sir"
"It must produce some kind of protective shield, right lads?"
Matthew was looking repulsively proud of his work


He pressed into the window
The goats and sheep and possibly other animals were taking the land
They were mocking him
Occasionally he would lick the glass
Trying to get a taste of the outdoors


Things between Mindy and Findy were going quite well
That was until Findy ate so much chocolate that he turned into a full size chocolate man
He couldn't work out how it happened
The science of it all quickly became irrelevant and he just had to accept he was made out of chocolate now
When he broke the news to Mindy she was understandably shocked
Sucking the tears back into her eye holes she held her arms out wide
Findy stepped into them and Mindy squeezed him tight
Unfortunately Mindy's abnormally high body temperature melted Findy into a brown glob
It was just one piece of bad news after another for Mindy


Robert heard tales of Smarties inside his easter egg
He sat on it and tried to make it hatch
The chocolate melted into his crevices
He was a mess


Heroic Boris rises again
The waves of applause power him
"The plebeians love me. They love me! I'm a hero!"
His sagging face unfurls into a gruesome smirk
"Of course they do lad" Boris ruffled his own hair
"Let's just try not to mention the thousands we sacrificed, eh?"


Troy ordered a cow from the internet.
He requested one that would grant cheddar.
He toiled away for hours.
Hauling up the turf in his garden.
Anticipating some homegrown cheese.
Planting the livestock was a very laborious undertaking.


Families gathered in the streets to commence clapping
They clapped and whooped so much their hands turned to dust and the evening air filled with spittle
"Boris is saved (probably)!" they cried "Boris is saved (probably)!"
Their hands floated down the gusty road and they all laughed directly into each other's mouths
Rainbow children tumbled as the adults barrelled down the street desperate to recover their hands


Sir Tony Actor held a camera to his big stupid grinning face
Drifting in a humongous swimming pool
He was eager to confirm that we are indeed all in this together


Fudge roamed his house tugging mirrors off the walls
Even that little one in the bathroom had been dismantled
His arms were heavy with mirrors as he waddled to the kitchen
Each of them was placed in their very own dining chair and given a bib and name tag
He slopped up some dinner and held some rather indulgent conversations


Sputnik threw his computer in the bin and slapped his mitts together
He stood proudly having finished watching all of the videos on YouTube
He washed another layer of skin off his raw hands and stared at the lonely desk


A motorcyclist pulled on her motorcycle helmet
And her motorcycle gloves and her motorcycle boots and the rest of her motorcycle outfit
She dunked a pillow in the middle of the living room and rode her bicycle around it
Occasionally fouling the room as she imagined cars cutting her off


Sputnik was learning to play the bagpipes
He spluttered into the tube bit
The old bag was wheezing heavily
It was absolutely vile


Abe sat heavily in his armchair
He rolled to the floor and flipped around
Admiring the grooves he'd created
He touched them and fondled them
Abe leant forward and consumed himself with a long, thick snort


Gordon brushed his teeth forty thousand times in a single day
They'd been chiselled down to bloody tooth stumps
Needless to say he was struggling to keep track of time

Family Panto

Godfry stared at his own family and leaked with jealousy
All they'd do was sit around watching Bullseye on repeat
Other families on his internet seemed to be having a blast during the lockdown
Godfry ordered 200 outfits off Amazon set up a costume department in the kitchen
He forced the children into them and set his camcorder on crates of masks and latex gloves
The camcorder whirled into action and the children danced and sang
Godfry wanted to be big on the internet too


Edwin pulled on his slippers and exercised his way to Lizzy's
He finally made it, legs quivering as they kissed through the window
They gobbed all over it with their hands pressed firmly against the protective shield
Edwin then rushed home to wash his mouth and hands thoroughly
His hands felt raw and the taste was horrific