Showing posts from November, 2020


Aphrodite baked some bread.
She couldn't resist chomping through the loaf while it was still warm.
Her plans in tatters she heads off to bed.
Where she lay frustrated by her lack of self-control.


A surfer waited on the beach.
Stared at the ocean.
He was beginning to think there might have been a misunderstanding.


Financial Superboy brushed his hair
Kissed a picture of Thatcher (Margaret), and got to work.
"It says 'Financial Superboy' not 'Form Superboy'"
He pointed at the pound shaped badge pinned to his chest
And somehow grimaced smugly at his response.
His face grew taller
It crafted new ways to destroy some lives.


A man bounded down a flight of stairs.
Followed by a wheelchair.
Followed by several apologetic nurses.
It was evident that mistakes had occurred.


A fisherman went fishing for fish.
After that whole ordeal he went to Waitrose for some fish.
Finally he got home and cooked himself a chicken madras.


Noah discussed the weather.


James called Julie.
She answered instantly and told James she needs him in her.
James listened as she chewed on the phone.
He tried to tell her it was a bad idea.
His voice was muffled as she gnawed on the glass.


"I was cleaning my ears" he replied through the bathroom wall.
"Rubbish, you just didn't want to answer my question! Come in here and let me see your ears" she shouted back.
The man arrived and sat on the bed.
The woman inspected his ears.
"They are very clean ears, I suppose"
He did have very clean ears.


A man went to get a haircut.
The barber tried to grasp the strands between his fingers but they were already too short.
He offered some solutions.
Suggested the man could have it shaved off if he liked.
The man didn't want to be bald though.
And it was winter so his head was already quite cold.
He gave the barber some money along with a short note apologising and left.


Jeremy wanted to know how death felt.
He climbed into his fridge and closed the door.
It was very cold.
It was very dark.


A baker slapped forty-two pastries on the counter.
“There’s your order” she said.
“I only wanted one” replied the customer.
“Take it or leave it” said the baker, now holding a knife.
The customer paid up and tried to cram the pastries into her backpack.
She was crying now though, which made seeing things more difficult, and also quite sad.


I watched a man watch television.
He changed the channel twenty-six times.
Turned the television off.
Went to sleep.
Got up and did it all again the next day.
After breakfast, of course.


A particularly flatulent gardener
Tended his flowers.
Eventually the gardener farted.
A poet observed.


I climbed onto a seesaw.
Rocked back and forth.
Or up and down, whichever.
See-sawed, I suppose.
It was very hard work.
My friend sat on another seesaw.
Had similar complaints.


Julie got right into wine.
Wanted to be a sommelier or something like that, probably, if that's the word for it.
She scoured YouTube tutorials on how to analyse the stuff.
Hunted down and guzzled every single bottle in her flat.
Her attempts at notes quickly became sloshed with a wine cocktail.
She fell asleep on the couch and drooled all over her horse print cushions.
The next day she couldn't remember any of it and vowed to start all over again.


Ryan had a nap.
He woke up a few hours later.
Another risk survived.


David engaged in a bank robbery.
He wore a big clown costume and carried a giant bag with a dollar sign on the side.
Immediately staff were suspicious.
He tripped over his comically large shoes and landed on his big red nose.
It squeaked, drawing even more attention.
By the time he'd managed to clamber back to his feet the police arrived and were trying to get handcuffs around his giant white mittens.


A witch hunched over her cauldron.
She heaved hunks of meat into her concoction.
Recited a verse or two as she stirred the brew with long slender fingers hooked around a wooden spoon.
She beckoned her husband (a wizard, obviously), who scuttled in from the library.
He removed his pointed hat and plonked himself down at the table.
"Oooh, it's chicken tikka masala night!" he exclaimed.


Some elves lost the lists of children.
Santa was furious.
Fuming about potential reports in tomorrow's newspapers.


Paul bought a Spider-Man costume.
He squeezed into the Spandex.
Climbed out the window and tried to stick himself to the building's wall.
Paul wished he didn't start at the top.

Lockdown Collection

In order to celebrate England's return to a full blown lockdown, I've taken the time to herd up a few poems I cobbled together in and around the last one. I expect to receive a knighthood for my services some day, but I understand why the queen would be a little slow on the distribution right now, what with the pandemic and all. Happened to the Royal Mail too, so it's clearly something all royals are struggling with. I must admit, I'm a bigger fan of the mail part of the royalty than I am the queen part. Please don't tell Liz that though. Back to the matter at hand, apologies to other countries of the UK, and indeed the world, not currently under full lockdown conditions, I hope you'll join in the festivities anyway.

So many of these things (poems, if you will) get written that keeping track of exactly what I've said is a full time job in and of itself. I already have a full time job, it's definitely being a poet, and a disorganised one at that. Ultimately, this means what you see below is just a small collection of what's been written during the pandemic, and those which came to mind while I ramble out these few paragraphs to appease Google. There's actually months worth of the stuff, this pandemic has been dragging on a bit after all. I assure you, it's all brilliant. Probably.

If you don't find what you're looking for in this collection, you could always do some poetry hunting yourself. It's a great way to waste a few hours, and the design of the website makes it even more enthralling. There's biting political commentary, loneliness, romance, all kinds of topics really. It's nice to see someone finally give them a go in poetry form, you know? Go! Hunt and gather, you're a human after all. Show a little respect for where you came from, for god's sake.


Bruce tried to slap Cathy's arse.
A minute or so later the texts came in.
'Bruce, are you OK? Seemed like an explosion on your end.'
Bruce was scrambling under his desk,
Trying to recover fragments of the webcam.


Donald flushed Plan A down the toilet.
Suggested that maybe they should just keep counting for another four years instead.
The words sort of just oozed out of his mouth, I suppose.
He offered an example by counting himself.
Stumbled to somewhere around ten then gave up.


Troy went to live on an island.
He kicked down all of the bridges once he got there.
Erected signs telling people to keep away.
Took potshots at dinghies trying to rescue him.


Gertrude stood at the end of the bed.
Peeled open her dressing gown.
Stanley watched.
His lad mustered a twitch.
Gertrude's breasts tumbled to her knees.
Slapped Stanley's feet on the way down.


Dennis celebrated fireworks night from the safety of his own home.
He stuck rockets in the plant pots.
Tried to aim them towards open windows.
Dennis began to feel uncomfortably warm.
Soon after this the firefighters arrived.


MacDonald watched over his farm.
The sheep were mingling again.
MacDonald was absolutely fuming!
If he had to adhere to these new lockdown then the flock better damn well do it too.
He launched out into the farm planks of wood in hand.
Started hammering out some fences.
Strapped masks over the sheep's faces.


Harold Shipman warmed his toes.
His ghastly visage looked quite glum.
"What's up, doc?" asked Lucifer.
"Boris is ruining my legacy, mate. Getting totally outclassed stuck in here."
Lucifer tried his best to console Harold.
"You'll always have the better beard, though."


Chris gave up.
Sealed his door shut.
Glued up the windows.
Erected fresh rainbows.
Dusted off the old clapping pans.
He'd be ready for anything.


Knock knock, knock knock.
The ghouls arrived.
I erected my perspex shield and peeled open the door.
Rammed my shield in their faces and told them to back off.
Their skeletons quaked.