Showing posts from April, 2022

The Voice Inside

A man,
Very small,
Lived inside another man's mouth.
He'd order strange meals at restaurants,
And say terrible things about women they pass.
The big guy hated this.
He always got the blame.

Deadly Beakers

Science beakers exploded.
Shards scattered everywhere.
None in me, thankfully.
But the students.
They could have done with more than just goggles.


A pen had landed in a pen holder.
It came from the hand of Mo.
He alerted his co-workers to this.
They were unimpressed.
Of course to them it looked like a pen placed where it was supposed to be.

Doing the Festivals

Hubert was doing the festivals.
Loved the whole vibe.
The prescribed popular artists,
Performing for thousands of people at prescribed times.
A great vibe.
A really great vibe.

Window Cleaning Service

Bruno got a job as a window cleaner.
The perfect cover for peeping through Isabela's windows.
Five times a day he'd be cleaning them.
Isabela thought that was too much.
But she was getting a great deal to be fair.

Space Guys

Little green space guy,
Issued orders from his dressing gown,
Cryptic and jumbled sentences.
Men with light tubes got confused.
They ran in opposite directions and were slaughtered.

The Return of E.T. (the Extra-Terrestrial)

E.T. returned to Earth.
A crowd formed.
Awaiting a bold new proclamation.
He saw the state of the place.
Out came the iconic finger.
"I'm going home"
E.T. waddled straight back into his spaceship.

Batman's Arrival

Batman popped up.
His sodden cape dripping all over the murder scene.
Detectives frowned.
Jim Gordon tried to keep the peace.

Work From Pub

I arrived at a pub.
Distributed a few of my zingers.
Loaded the place with atmosphere.
A woman perched in the corner.
Monitor glow lighting her face.
She frowned.
Unfurled one of her rancid spreadsheets.
The atmosphere fell into the void.

A Poem for Easter

Percy had to admit,
With all of the presents and chocolate,
Had some solid tricks up its sleeve.

Plumber Training

Lee signed up for plumber training.
Two weeks on trouser positioning and belt fastening.

Mr. Tickle

Mr Tickle couldn't believe they were arresting him.
It was his job for goodness' sake.
His ID even carried the job title!
There were books about him!
"All evidence"
Muttered some surrounding officers.
His orange noodles quivered with rage in the handcuffs.

Subtle Innuendo

A local butcher
Slid his sausage
Into a local baker's
Warm bun.

The Boat Race

Sixteen big strong men,
Oar their way down the river.
Little twerps shout.
Muscles ripple.


Harold wanted more freedom.
So he shot his parole officer.
Shockingly bad move in hindsight.

The Story of Gail's Bakery

The middle class queued at a Gail's Bakery.
The first of them bought a loaf of bread.
He turned and smiled to the person behind him.
The next person bought two loaves of bread.
She turned and smiled to the person behind her.
The next person bought three loaves of bread.
They turned and smiled to the person behind them.
This pattern continued.
Eventually the bread ran thin.

Invasion of the Vampires

An invasion began.
Vampires emerged from their dank little hovels.
Punctured the locals with their keen teeth.
Big cities caught wind of this.
Councils commissioned Domino's to manufacture garlic bread pizza shields.
And baguette truncheons.

Will Smith at the Oscars

Will Smith lost control of his limbs.
They went rogue!
His body was being hauled down the red carpet.
These limbs had taken it upon themselves to begin pulping journalists with an Oscar.
Will was in tears,
Begging for it to stop.
Blood dripped from the award.
The carpet matted.
Stray microphones scattered the scene.

An Encounter with a Robot

Rupert Repute encountered a robot.
A look of awe washed over him.
Letters sloshed from his mouth.
The letters formed words.
The words formed questions.
An air filled with queries.
The robot remained silent and emotionless.
A contraption dedicated with the task at hand.
Eventually they parted ways and Rupert continued on his journey.
Rupert Repute encountered another robot half an hour later.
He no longer cared.

April Fools' Day

This is a poem.
Or is it?
April Fools!
Or is it?