Showing posts from June, 2021

Poems From Highbury Fields 1

An ice cream van operator
Started lacing his wares with meth
Business boomed

A Poem About Peas

Arthur ate some peas.
Pretended he was a giant while doing so.
Imagined his peas were apples.
This angered Mindy.
She kept reminding him they were peas.


Maggie and Stan rattled on through the night.
Stan's lad eventually wore out and fell off.
Maggie told him not to worry.
She called the local plumber.
Stan rolled over and tried to ignore the resulting situation.

Poem About a Boy

The magical little boy.
Wore his little dress.
Played his little flute.
Fairy tarts frolicked below.


Cockmeister had an affair.
News leaked.
He sat awake at night.
'Why did they have to use that footage.
With the state of that hair?'


Sandra got down on one knee.
Proposed to Buzz.
Buzz whipped out a finger.
Started prodding at the muscles on Sandra's face.
Trying to work out if she was teasing him.

A Rogue Pet

My pet escaped.
I watched as it stomped down the street clattering against parked cards.
Its tusks swinging wildly as I held my head in my hands.
I cried out and told it to stop.
Despite its tremendous lugs the beast refused to listen.
The guy at the elephant sanctuary would be hearing about this.

Crackers and Cheese

Mark Whimsy sat in the bath.
Thinking about cheese.
Big hunks of cheddar.
Boarding Jacob's Cream Crackers.
Sailing into his mouth.

The Invisible Man

Spencer suddenly became invisible.
Being a prankster felt like a way of life to him.
This new state made that job even easier.
But, eventually, the situation grew tedious.
People wouldn't notice when he entered rooms.
He wrote letters telling them how much he missed this.
How sorry he was for scaring them too.
From then on he wore a big pair of glasses and a scarf so everyone would know where he was.
They began to realise that apart from those accessories he was completely naked.
Now they weren't happy about that either!
Spencer got to work penning even more apologies and ordered some underwear.


Stanislav set out with a shovel.
Months passed as he chipped away at the Danube.
Soon it would flow beautifully by his house.
Hopefully give a solid boost to the properly value.

On the Battlefield

Lieutenant Bygraves had issues keeping track of his troops.
He refused visit an optometrist.
Instead he demanded the platoon wear high visibility vests so they'd stand out in the hills.
The new uniform went down like a ton of bricks.


Robert was on his way.
Alice had lined her headboard with dildos.
An intimidation play.
She would settle for nothing less than the best performance of his life.

A Poem About a Race

One of the drivers drove his car really fast.
He was really good at slowing down for corners and turning the wheel and then speeding up again.
Someone was behind him, also going pretty fast.
The driver in front's tyres started getting old and worn which seemed a bit concerning.
But then so did the guy's behind, so it didn't matter that much in the end.

A Poem About Race

A white man and a black man met up.
They got along well enough all things considered.*

*The white one was a racist

Mario's Leap

Mario planned on doing a big jump.
He found a suitable chasm and booked it out for the day.
Friends, family, royalty, and even fungi were invited along to watch.
Everyone showed up to support the guy.


Cartwright smashed a glass bottle over his head.
He hurled them at his mates too.
The guy was going flipping crazy.
But he had bought some sugar glass the day before.
So not that crazy.


A man read a book.
He would get to the end of a chapter and tear it out.
Then season the pages and eat them.


A man sat on a bench.
Occasionally a car would drive by.
Or a person would walk through.
He would sort of look at those occurrences then forget them almost immediately.


The Queen plopped herself down in the middle of the lads.
She delivered some of her iconic, unique, and of course, brilliant wit.
Suddenly everyone realised she's just like us!
The nation began eating their stamps and coins and commemorative mugs.
Anything with her face on really.
They needed the Queen in them.


Mallard forgot what colour he was.
He held up his arms to check.
Stroked them and smiled to himself.


"I have eight toothbrushes" Cindy declared.
She'd invited Ed to her house for biscuits.
"You can have one if you like"
"There's rarely a toothbrush emergency, you know" Ed Replied.
"You really only need one at a time"


Josh grew tired of the post-lockdown life.
He began committing petty crimes.
Stealing chocolate bars, running from restaurants without paying the bills, etc.
He once even swore at a police man.
They kept letting him off!
Eventually he had to rob a bank.
The mask he wore brought back some wonderful memories.
Finally he got himself some jail time.
Somewhere he could relax again.


The weather got hot again.
Patrick was furious.
He stewed in his own sweat as it seeped through his jeans and onto the furniture.
Hours later he peeled himself off and tried to dive into the wet divot he'd created.

Playing Video Games

Stephen played video games for a living.
Well, to say it was a living was a bit of an overstatement.
Stephen played video games, and he had so far managed to keep himself alive, would be more accurate.


Mark bought a pressure washer.
He hooked the contraption up and told his wife (Judy, currently sunbathing) to shield her eyes.
She was blasted with the powerful jet.
Judy staggered to her feet, drenched.
Mark consulted the marketing material.
Informed Judy how many years of grime this thing was capable of removing.
Judging by Judy's expression she wasn't even remotely interested.

Social Media

Jake tapped out an array of controversial tweets.
Step one complete.
Now he'd wait for the fame to arrive.

A New Beginning

A surfer slipped and clicked 'agree to all' on a cookie pop-up.
His face almost fell off.
Years of meticulous hard work finally undone.
He ordered supplies to rebuild and burned the computer.


Fritz bought a new suitcase.
Immediately he smashed the wheels with a hammer.
The holiday would not begin with yet another disappointment.


Marcus spent the lockdown converting his bath into a car.
He would save time lost on commuting by bathing as he went.
Soaps were held in place with magnets and various other contraptions were utilised to make the whole system more convenient.


John bought a plane.
His wife was invited along for the first ride.
They strapped themselves in and John twiddled various knobs and switches.
He began to panic.
He couldn't work out how to get the damn thing up!
His wife sighed and glanced awkwardly around the cockpit.
Possibly muttered 'typical' under her breath.