Showing posts from March, 2023

Some Science Fiction

A robot built another robot.
Scientists told it to stop doing that,
It was a bad look.
But they kept building more,
And they were building them faster than the scientists could turn them off.
More scientists with graphs appeared on television to explain why it was looking bad for humanity.

Healthy Living

I hopped on the old exercise train.
Began with a couple of those dastardly squats.
Took a break for a few doughnuts.
Hit out with a few more squats.
Then back to the doughnuts.
Energy sapping stuff this is.


A mime,
Bought a lime,
With an imaginary dime,
And in time,
This crime,
Caught up with the mime
Because he found a security guard clubbing his body until he dropped it.
It being the lime,
Which seemed a bit disproportionate.


Marcus felt rebellious.
Nothing too extreme though,
He wasn't that kind of guy.
That's what he'd do,
Using an empty can he'd previously planned on recycling.
The next day he would return to tidy up. 
But someone else had got there first.
A month later he still felt guilty and took out an advertisement in the local paper to apologise.


Jenny squeezed all the toothpaste out of its tube.
She muttered something about housemates while holding a ruler to the extraction.
Then started scooping it all back into the container.

Tomatoes and Such

I was gooping out the ketchup.
Shaping it into balls,
Insisting it be sliced and formed into a salad.
I wept into my sauce slathered hands.


Ken built the perfect sandwich.
Placed it upon his favourite plate.
Captured the moment with powerful photographs.
Then ate it.


A frog kissed a princess.
She died.
The frog felt bad.
This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

Another Cold

Steve caught a cold.
He set about revenge.
Mainly breathing heavily within close proximity to people.
Then smiling to himself.
And anyone else who could see his face I suppose.

A Poem for Mother's Day

'And it's every year?'
I said to mother.
'That's on top of the birthday,
Christmas, and for reasons I can't quite comprehend,
A wedding anniversary?'
I could scarcely believe what I was hearing,


Willis took a crash course on politics.
He quickly formed controversial opinions on what's-her-name and you-know-who.
He insisted on sharing these thoughts at parties,
And ultimately missed out on a lot of Viennetta.

Kitchen Fitter

Poppy got a job as a kitchen fitter,
Because she'd replaced a proficiency in Excel with an ability to cut worktops on her CV.
These two things weren't very similar at all.
She found herself struggling to keep up with the work.


Mary became a camper.
She'd got the tent,
And the little gas stove,
And the lamp,
And the husband to heat up the sleeping bag.
She'd even drawn up plans on where to dump his body once the trip was over.


Jealous of his patient's teeth,
A dentist swapped them with his own.
Once the procedure was complete the patient woke to a familiar smile,
And was informed their bite might feel a little off for a while.


Alex tried to watch the Oscars.
It was really boring so he fell asleep by accident and read the results the next day.


A clown got an invite to a birthday party.
Everyone hated him.
But that was hardly surprising,
They'd found out he was paid to be there.


'I'm a very busy man,'
Ranch lied.
It was fine though,
No one wanted to point out how little he had going on,
So he managed to avoid quite a few arrangements just by saying it.


Gary sewed up his trouser legs.
He recorded himself trying to get them on.
Wrote an email the boss informing him he wouldn't be able to come into work today,
Due to malfunctioning trousers,
And suggested the boss check the attached video.


Tammy got into taxidermy.
It quickly became her primary hobby.
She'd spend all day and all night hacking up these carcasses,
Loading them with whatever these people use,
And putting them back together.
She became so good at her hobby that she could rattle through several animals a day.
Eventually, after running out of subjects, she had to start murdering local pets to stave off the boredom.
She even starting eyeing up boyfriends in ways she hadn't before.