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Showing posts from November, 2021

On the Subject of Dog Ownership Part 2

My dog watched as I ate sausages.
He was salivating all over the rug.
This irritated me.
But still he sat there waiting,
Knowing what he did yesterday,
Watching as I ate my sausages.
I reminded him again,
He was found foraging for food after already having his breakfast.
It just wasn't on.
His big gloomy eyes stared.
I gave him a sausage.
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On the Subject of Dog Ownership Part 1

My dog disappeared.
I found it later that day foraging for food.
Greedy so it was.
Fat through no fault of my own.
I had fed it that morning.
It had no reason to be foraging.
But forage it did.
When I called the monstrosity it charged towards me barely able to control the mass of its body and I had to dodge to avoid breaking my legs.
Tomorrow he would be back on his diet, and I would be eating sausages.
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Back to the Podiums

The boys polished up their noggins.
TV time again!
Boris Johnson peered into the shiny domes.
Tried to stand up straight,
And slathered all over his podium.
He slurped up the drippings and encouraged the backroom to partake.
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In the Wardrobe

Tom hid in the wardrobe.
He learned his wife was cheating on him with Lance.
It felt like he should step out and confront them,
They were using his bed after all.
But he kept quiet to avoid the confrontation,
And it might ruin the plan to sleep with Janine this weekend.
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Charge

A man equipped a helmet and charged head first into a wall.
Then he laughed to himself.
Then he went to sleep and had dreams about what he'd done.
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Buying New Boots

A man who bought two pairs of boots couldn’t decide which he liked more. It was a quandary he solved by wearing a different boot on each foot, which had the unfortunate effect of appearing to give him a limp as he went about his day. Eventually he came across another man with a real limp who took issue with the fake limp. The man complained, noticing the guy’s two different boots, and told him the act just wasn’t on. This went on for quite some time and an old lady overheard the argument. She decided to stick her nose in too, but failed to notice the original man’s mismatched boots. She argued that more than one person can have a limp and began clubbing the guy with the real limp with her handbag. Despite multiple requests from him, she refused to look down throughout this act. The man then limped off angrily, and the old woman left disgusted, and the guy with the boots didn’t know what to do anymore.
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Evolution

Sebastian observed his hamster.
Envious.
He began the excruciating task of sewing pouches into his own cheeks.
The metallic taste of blood oozing from the wounds was less than enjoyable,
But he looked forward to storing cookies in there.
Colleagues would no doubt be impressed when he revealed them at work.
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Santa at the Christmas Markets

Santa ordered a raid on the Christmas markets.
Elves were shipped out with orders to smash up the little wooden huts.
Vendors were being choked with tinsel.
Licensing fees were being demanded.
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Invention

Jack invented the light bulb.
Similar ones had of course been invented hundreds of years earlier,
But Jack didn't care,
He liked doing things his own way.
He set up a presentation.
Invited some friends over.
They remained as apathetic to his innovations as ever,
They had been using light bulbs their entire lives after all,
And this example was particularly energy inefficient.
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A Poem for the Tour de France

Henry's exercise bike came loose.
Suddenly he found himself pedalling through the bedroom window,
All the way to France.
Upon arrival he dined on baguettes,
Wore berets, that sort of thing.
He even ended up taking part in the Tour de France,
But lost as his body hadn't been filled with drugs beforehand.
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Behind the Scenes

A butcher forgot to turn his cows into steaks.
He shared the bad news with some employees.
Ultimately everyone would be losing a day's wages,
Unless one of them was willing to be sacrificed.
Veteran staff glared at the new employees.
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On the Job

A particularly famous individual
gave one of those regular jobs a shot.
He had a grand old time,
dancing for the cameras,
joking with the managers.
The employees watched on from behind the lens,
rather mystified in their expressions,
not to mention the depression.
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Bus of Dreams

A very tired man named Paul
Whose name is irrelevant,
Fell asleep on a bus after work.
He drooled in his sleep.
The passengers had to jump over the puddle he was creating,
And eventually swim to get on and off the bus.

There's a poem for you to read, I use it as proof I've been on a bus before.
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The Man Who Worked in a Bank

On the 12,126th day of his life, Samuel was all out of ideas. He sat spread across a couch bored out of his skull, rattling through a catalogue of plans to entertain himself, until he finally decided upon working in a bank. The problem with that was, as someone who had never spent a day of his life working in a bank, he was incredibly poorly qualified for any form of role there. With that in mind he bought a scary mask and turned up to rob the place instead. It went fairly well, he got to work in the bank, as desired, and they paid him handsomely in return.

For the next few weeks Samuel lived rather lavishly, albeit slightly on edge. Despite his trips on yachts and things of that nature he struggled to relax. He continued on though, munching on expensive sandwiches, drinking expensive water, he even went skiing. He was bad at skiing, he didn’t even enjoy slides as a youth, which is a bit like skiing with bumpers, and without all of the extra equipment required, so he has no idea what he was thinking when he took up that offer. Anyway, he did the skiing and he hated it.

It was on his return from the skiing trip that Samuel was traced and arrested. Samuel was a bit upset about how that all came about. Of course it was going to happen eventually, but why did it have to be after such a disappointing experience? There was a trial and all of the usual administrative rubbish you have to go through when it comes to being put in prison, but that’s where he ended up. Sure, the prison wasn’t great, it didn’t match the brief lavish lifestyle he’d had after robbing the bank, but it was at least a new place to explore, so he settled in and got on with living his life.

Thanks.
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Face Off

Mark peeled his face off.
He'd forgotten he had already removed the Halloween mask!
His wife looked on in horror,
And spent quite a long time trying to reattach it with PVA glue.
It was one hell of a mistake.
Very painful.
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For the Ladies

A woman
Hated lots of other women.
She continued to hammer this point home across various interviews,
Which ultimately resolved in her complaining about being silenced,
As she continued rants broadcast to the nation.
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Gambling Man

The gambling man visited a casino,
He was sick and tired of constantly losing.
He would place bets on all of the numbers to resolve this issue.
The casinowner was very impressed with his plan.
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Baguette

A baker learned he'd be losing his job.
He took revenge on his last day.
Baked an extra crusty baguette,
With particularly serrated scoring.
He clubbed his boss with the loaf.
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Taking Aim

Some guy who loved fireworks
Was hated by his neighbours.
Not because of the occasional night of explosions
But because he deliberately aimed them at houses he knew had pets.
The neighbours never made eye contact with him or accepted deliveries on his behalf.
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Irresistible

Andre ate so much chocolate that he died.
And then his partner ate him because he tasted like chocolate and they died too.
And that was the end of that family.
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In Uniform

After some lacklustre training Gordon joined the police force.
He took home his uniform and handcuffs.
Chained his wife to the bed and did a striptease for her.
He quit the next day.
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One Man's Shoes

A very short man
Got a hold of some huge platform shoes.
He learned how it felt to be tall.
He roamed the city admiring people's scalps and such like.
Eventually he clonked his head on a doorframe and had to spend several days in hospital.
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On The Train

A woman who goes by the name Charlotte boarded a train.
She carried a water bottle and had long brown hair.
After a small amount of exploration she sat across from another passenger,
And began describing her travel history in excruciating detail.
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