Showing posts from August, 2019


A couple visited a castle.
The wife kept comparing the skirting boards to the ones in their house.
She commented on how straight they all were.
Not even a gap above the carpets.
The husband had enough of it all.
He claimed the castle as his own and lopped off his wife's head with a sword plucked from the wall display.
People talked about him less enthusiastically than kings of the past.


A magician shuffled his deck of cards.
He inspected the cards and shuffled again.
And again.
The magician was clearly panicking.
He'd only gone and picked up the wrong deck.
The children were getting restless.
They began to throw paper clips, elastic bands, and freshly sharpened pencils.


A couple went camping in the forest.
The ordeal started off fairly romantic.
Days passed.
Squirrels began stealing their supplies.
They began to blame each other.
They began to hate each other.
They began to stink.


Mindy filled her freezer with ice cube trays.
Then sat around all night waiting for the water to freeze.
It was so thrilling she could hardly contain herself.
The next day she took them all to the beach and flung them into the ocean.
She was delighted with herself.


The jockey buttered his horse.
He wanted it to glide over the jumps.
He buttered the wrong side!
His saddle slipped off at the start gate.
The jockey sat on the grass sobbing into his buttery legs.


The gardener was disappointed with the stream from his hose.
He gave the nozzle a good scrubbing and had another go.
He squeezed firmly and beamed at the powerful squirt.


The comedian walks on stage and plucks the microphone off the stand.
He leans on the microphone stand adopting the comedic stance.
The audience laughs.
He breathes into the microphone.
The audience laughs.
With such a positive reaction he glances around and breathes again.
Everyone's loving it.
He looks forward to a future of panel show appearances.


As the man lit some scented candles they filled the air with flowery guff

Finally he was making an effort

He cooked some chicken to perfection with a delicious crispy coating

He even wrote 'I love you' with the alphabetti spaghetti

The napkins were folded in vague animal shapes

Everything was looking perfect

A rogue flame flickered away and caught one of the animal napkins and set the whole building on fire

The chicken was ruined


The man sees a bush.
He looks at the bush.
The bush leaves.
He is alone.


"Oi mate, what do you think you're doing?"

He suggested what he was doing seemed rather self-evident

This did not go down well


Tony was always up for a laugh

He glued his toe to his knee

It was really strong stuff too

He was wriggling about on the floor cracking up

Even the carpet burns didn't concern him


Santa slumped in a crusty leather armchair.
His beard was unkempt and filled with crumbs.
He was getting more and more irritated by how late people were leaving their requests.
The elves were complaining about the yearly crunch.
Rudolph sat in the corner licking the woodchip wallpaper.
His antlers clacked against the television.


Tobias sobbed into his string back driving gloves.
For two years now they'd gone unused.
The deadline for the classic car meet had passed yet again.
His face was smeared with oil and other such car substances.
The sun shone brightly on the exposed wheel hubs and support bricks.
Carless, he decided he'd tag along anyway.
He would arrive with a crimson toolbox and a plan.

Twos: Leak

Roof leaks

Wet drips


Rain tumbles about the street

Splattering on the pavement

A man walks coated

Hands pocketed

Gliding from street light to street light

His advancing scalp glistens


It was my turn to meet the village hound


I went to pet Malcolm and he gnawed my arm off at the elbow

I knew it was risky wrapping myself in sausages before we met

But I had to admit I underestimated the risk a little


Percy told Helen she was the best.
His fingers were crossed.
He looked into her eyes.
He knew he was the best.


Pink leathery skin

Crackles in the afternoon sun


Robert gazed into Paula’s eyes.
They were framed beautifully by her glasses.
Hair framed the rest of her face too.
Her nose pointed down to her lips.
They were nice lips.
'Yes' Robert thought, pumping his first in celebration.
'She has a face.'


He parted his hair once

A firm, secure, and solid parting to make himself look important

Then he parted it again from the other side

Just as tight and just as clean

It was a power move

He wanted double the respect today


A woman twisted some paper.
It formed into the word ‘love’.
It was all very meaningful.
She looked at it and cried.
She twisted thousands more.
And sold them on the internet.

Twos: Time

A clock

Tick tock


The motorcyclist was always an advocate for wearing helmets.
He chuckled in his helmet as he sped about the winding country roads.
His helmet fell off!
He thought it would be best to steer into a tree.
That should prove his point.


A man sits in front of the photocopier.
He calls himself Print Master.
He won't let anyone copy anything unless they call him Print Master too.
Their hands would be slapped away if they try to touch the buttons.
He was proud of his title.


The pet owl escaped.
It was out and about hooting all night.
People could hear the hooting through their windows.
They couldn't get to sleep.
They weren't pleased with the owl's owner at all.


The receptionist sat at her desk.
Her name was Ariel.
She cried herself to sleep that night.


The man came to the bridge.
He wasn't too sure about all of this.
He decided to take the long way instead.


Wizard of the wind.
He spins,
He spins.
Warm air circulates.
I am hot.


Biscuit guy finished a whole load of biscuits.
The crumb filled plate attracted a bird to the window.
The bird pecked at the glass.
“Give me all of your crumbs there buddy” the bird spoke.
The fearful man stared right into the bird's beady eyes.
These eyes were held in place by a colossal feathery body.
“I said give me all them crumbs” its squawks were being translated through a curious voice box.
The bird kept pecking away at the window.
Its friends were starting to join in too.


The village made everything as bland as possible.
They feared the devil.


Sally rode her horse.
She pounded faster and faster.
Her face wrinkled as she grinned from ear to ear.
It was a very big smile.