Posts

Heating

Santa woke up.
Turned on the heating.
Slapped that belly of his.
Fondled that beard of his.
And wondered where breakfast was.
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Leaving

Hugh told his wife he was leaving.
She let him know they were too busy for that sort of nonsense.
He agreed.
Pretended he'd never even mentioned it.
Just plodded along.
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Linger

Henry ate meat flavoured crisps.
He was reminded of this fact for the remainder of the day.
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Books

I bought some books.
The sort of things people pretend they've read.
And some shelves to hold the books.
Which I placed rather strategically behind me.
Just in case I should ever be invited on a podcast.
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Stuffed

Abby entered the children's section of Waterstones.
She began rummaging through the stuffed toys.
Describing various creatures as cunts.
Parents were clawing at the ears of their children.
Desperate to lever them off before their innocent minds warp.
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Sprout

Jimmy considered growing a beard.
This thought took so long a beard formed of its own volition.
Jimmy panicked. 
He wasn't ready for this.
He texted Janet and told her what was occurring. 
The reply didn't help.
He didn't know what to do with the laughing emoji.
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Sold

Brian sold his mountain bike.
Of course.
The very next day.
As luck would have it.
He saw a mountain.
He couldn't believe it.
He stared at the mountain.
Imagined a bicycle between his thighs.
Chewed on a slice of bread.
And let the tears flow.
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Puddles

Frank went for a walk.
It was raining.
Frank went for a walk in the rain.
Frank's walk was wet.
His clothing wasn't weather appropriate.
He had to dodge puddles.
The rain could not be dodged.
Frank got wet.
But not from puddles.
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Sight

I encountered a fellow poet.
He looked forlornly into his typewriter.

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Army

Sergeant Chips ordered his men to tidy up.
When they were done he ordered them to cook dinner.
He put his feet up and ordered one of them to turn on the television.
The men wondered why this wasn't in those army advertisements.
They tried to sneak looks at the television to see if there were any army advertisements on.
To see if there was something they had forgotten.
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Safari

Charles starting offering safari tours.
He specialised in Tooting Common.
Sometimes the ducks weren't where he expected.
He had to adapt on the fly.
He found the work very stressful.
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Awake

Rain slaps against my bedroom window.
The sound so soothing I don't want to miss a second.
4am approaches.
I refuse to give in.
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Tired

Ethel couldn't wait for her husband to become impotent.
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Astronaut

Gus prepped for a date.
He rummaged through the wardrobe.
Seeking something to help his profile seem more convincing.
Knocked dust off the astronaut costume.
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Sherlock

Sherlock Holmes crouched down.
Adjusted his deerstalker.
Checked the position of the sun.
And aligned his magnifying glass.
He cackled as the ants burned.
Watson shook his head.
Worked on ways to distract Lestrade.
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Email

Edna clicked send.
Off went the email.
Typo and all.
She checked her calendar.
Pushed back the request for a pay rise by another couple of years.
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Photograph

Bernie bankrupted himself.
Trying to get the perfect passport photograph.
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Disconcerting

A black cat.
The most disconcerting of all cats.
Stared at something.
And moved in an curious manner.
Then jumped.
Scaring its housemate.
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Jelly

Ethel took up squats as an exercise regime.
Did so many her legs turned to jelly.
She collapsed to the floor.
Began to consume her legs.
Soon there were no legs left.
And the squats were a waste of time.

In America they have decided to refer to jelly as 'jello'. That's a brand name. I do not accept it. It's not the worst thing to have happened though, so while I do not accept it, it's ranked pretty low on my list of things to be concerned about.
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Laces

A ghost,
Missed lacing up his boots before journeys.
Something he never thought would happen while alive.

It's sad to think about how many ghosts there must be and how many of them miss doing things. Scary too, like Halloween. I own a pair of boots I use for walking. They were designed for purpose rather than fashion. Very comfortable. My feet remain blister free no matter how long the journey, or at least to the maximum length of journey I have so far achieved, but there were no signs of any issues after that, so it could have gone on a while longer.
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