Poet Authority Poem Terminal

A group of superheroes booked some time off.
Their bus slipped off an icy road and rattled down a mountain.
They all refused to do anything to resolve the situation, what with it being their holiday.
The invulnerable one laughed, which really bothered the vulnerable ones.
One of the superheroes eventually gave in and started unpacking his cape.
He lacked the super speed ability.
By the time he'd pinned the thing on he found himself in a crumpled wreckage.
Skis snapped, holiday ruined.

The giant helped some villagers build a house.
He found the menial work of hauling materials tedious,
But his giant meaty fingers were inadequate for construction.
He'd knock over walls when trying to lay bricks,
And his application of mortar was, at best, inadequate.

The thief wore a mask.
He lacked the enthusiasm he used to have for the job.
It just wasn't special any more,
Not with everyone else wearing masks too.
He walked around the store, shoulders slumped,
Unable to muster the energy to steal some Jaffa Cakes.

An astronaut couldn't find the keys to his spaceship.
NASA's science people were so focused on counting down they didn't notice him trying to pry the door open.
They got to zero and there he was, still standing on the platform.
Fully decked out in his spacefaring gear too.
It looked set to be a humiliating trudge back to the office.

Jacob finally got his dream job as a banker.
The quirks of the new role quickly set in.
His skin formed a film, damp and slimy.
His stomach bulged from his fresh white shirts.
A once exposed scalp hid beneath long, thin strands of hair.
Suddenly he was a whole new class of person.
He'd hired a maid to handle any chores around the house.
He demanded his Pop Tarts be grilled.
A vile creature indeed.

Alan's smile lit up the room
It was one of the few benefits of having swallowed a torch
That and his new job as a human spotlight
He had some concerns over the career path once the batteries die

The weatherman informed his wife of a deadly storm.
"You must stop bringing your work home dear" she insisted.
She peeled off his bold grey suit, unhooked his tie, and folded up his spectacles.
He sat in fetching string vest and striped briefs.
Felt free.
"Maybe you're right, love" he said "maybe you're right."
His ankles became unpleasantly moist.
He noticed a newspaper floating through the living room.
"But then again..." he said, before his wife shushed him and climbed onto his lap.

Roland somehow fell into the role of the football team's manager
He remained completely clueless
Hadn't so much as even opened a textbook on the matter
He was struggling with the diagrams
Trying to work out what the drawings of fields with arrows on them meant

Soldiers learned he wasn't suitable for the job after he sliced open sandbags to build sandcastles

Edwin went to work without any trousers on
It's what he became used to
The other employees tried to avoid sitting in the same seats as him
He thought they were great at social distancing

The one-eyed poet struggled with his work
He fumbled around trying to connect pen and paper
His ideas vanished as he jabbed his arms and legs and desks with the nib of his pen

"Business is back, baby!"
Employees could just about make out the muffled cries of their boss from behind his FFP3
He danced on his two metre wide podium and threw the odd latex glove into the crowd
"Oh yeah! Business is back!"

Steve peddled to work on a two billion pound promise
He leaned over the handlebars and hyperventilated through his exciting new hazmat kit
He careered down the road into a line of bright red buses
They pulverised his hips and left him scattered across the road
Steve slowly pulled himself together and clambered back onto the saddle and commenced the roll to his destination
He flopped off the bicycle and dragged the remnants of his body through the essential bakery's doors and leaked all over the freshly disinfected tiles
The barista craned her arms over the coffee pipes and gave Steve a quick spritz too

Colin Fuse peered at his wife through his plastic visor.
She gave it a trial run by sneezing and coughing in his face.
He couldn't believe his luck, completely impenetrable!
He reached under the flap and smeared his fingers across the bone dry surface to double check.
His wife pulled out a red felt tip and scrawled "ALERT" across the visor in big letters.
Colin wrapped two Sainsbury's bags around his fists and proudly marched out the door.
"For the economy!"

Bunkins slapped a sheet of A4 across his gob and trekked to work.
He rattled the shutters and tried to kick the doors in.
"Bozza told me to be here! Open up!"
After a good two hours he began to question why he bothered with the trousers.
He trundled back home to bathe in some antibacterial goop.

The stock broker's golden Andrex was being pulverised by tears and mucus
He Zoomed up his pals Mark-o, Paul-o, Dick-o, and Bill-o
"Why don't they care about us? Where are the claps for me chaps?"
"Don't worry Pete-o. They'll forget about the scum driving vans when this blows over"
Waves of sherry formed in his golden goblet as he quivered with rage

The scientist started making up new words.
It seemed to be paying off.
The other scientists were too embarrassed to question them.

Santa ordered several gallons of chicken madras the night before the big trip

He fed it to all the reindeer hoping for a little extra propulsion

Blitzen seemed reluctant at first but soon tucked in following a reassuring nod from one of the other reindeer

The barn's air turned rancid

Santa packed his condoms and a spare pair of underwear

He kissed Mrs Claus goodbye and set off into the night

She was pleased to get him out of the house

She hoped he wouldn't bring home any extra surprises this year

The comedian walks on stage and plucks the microphone off the stand.
He leans on the microphone stand adopting the comedic stance.
The audience laughs.
He breathes into the microphone.
The audience laughs.
With such a positive reaction he glances around and breathes again.
Everyone's loving it.
He looks forward to a future of panel show appearances.