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Showing posts from August, 2025

Bulldozer

George wasn't fond of his neighbours.
He acquired a bulldozer to resolve the issue.
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Emphasis

A poet sat down.
Began writing an entire poem in italics.
Thought it might make the whole thing more impactful.
Really emphasise every word.
Then went off the idea.
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Swoon

Harold's wife wouldn't shut up about firemen.
She swooned as they mounted their ladders and hauled charred victims from the remnants of their houses.
Harold became jealous.
He bought a ladder and climbed up to the roof.
'Is this what you want?'
He screamed with tears in his eyes.
Then he got scared.
And Harold's wife had to call the fire brigade to help him down.
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Length

Alex lied about his length and girth.
Someone was so impressed by the statistics they agreed to his proposition immediately.
He ran to M&S to buy some sausages in an attempt to mask his lies.
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Alien

An alien moved in with me.
His feet leaked a slippery mucus.
I asked him to clean up after his little walks but he refused.
He insisted the bare floors burned against his alien skin stuff.
He ignored my suggestions to try wearing socks.
I asked why he lied on his application.
And suggested,
In the least offensive way possible,
That perhaps he should get to work on repairing his spaceship.
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Ducks

A short man carried five ducks.
Children would point at them and scream 'duck'.
The short man would look at their parents and frown.
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Wings

Harold built himself some wings and told his love he was going to fly to meet her.
She tried to convince him it was a terrible plan.
Harold became suspicious she was cheating on him and planned to set off immediately.
He climbed to the roof of his house and jumped.
Flapping vigorously as he went.
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Gift

Geraldine bought Victor a box of chocolates.
The bus ride home was tiresome.
The box of chocolates found itself open.
And being consumed.
Upon her arrival there were none left.
Victor never found out about his gift.
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Potatoes

Hugh stole potatoes from neighbouring allotments.
Planted them in his own.
He invited his girlfriend over to watch as he reaped his land.
She cheered and clapped and admired the potatoes.
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Theft

Michael Owen (unrelated),
Stole balls from youth football teams,
To feed his addiction.
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Puem

A pilot got replaced by a Labrador.
The passengers were terrified.
It was a ruff landing.
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Sewing

Margaret learned how to sew.
Then one night she sewed her husband's mouth closed.
He was impressed by the stitching.
But not so keen on everything else that had happened.
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Hide

Ubert hid in Vera's wardrobe.
Hoping to catch a glimpse of something interesting.
Soon Vera's husband came home.
She opted to slip into something more comfortable.
Opened the wardrobe.
And met Ubert.
'Sorry about this, I must join you'
Said Vera.
To a confused Ubert.
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Clank

The knight rattled into combat.
His ill fitting plates and chains quickly became irritating.
He hated his job.
He hated sounding like a set of keys as he walked.
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Care

Hank's wife got sick.
Don't worry it's nothing serious.
On Monday he cracked open a tin of Campbell's Cream of Chicken and slopped it into a pan for her.
On Tuesday he boiled up another Cream of Chicken.
The same thing happened on Wednesday.
And then again on Thursday.
On Friday Hank went to Sainsbury's to restock.
Grace was getting desperate.
She was trying every trick in the book to get better.
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Together

Johan made himself a cup of tea.
He'd forgotten his girlfriend moved in.
She wasn't particularly impressed when he plonked himself down.
He looked at the mug.
Nudged it towards his girlfriend.
'There you go' he said 'just how you like it'.
She was so smitten she didn't even notice it was not how she liked it.
It was how Johan liked it.
Johan missed his cup of tea.
He wished he had the tea his girlfriend was drinking.
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