Poet Authority Poem Terminal

The thief wore a mask.
He lacked the enthusiasm he used to have for the job.
It just wasn't special any more,
Not with everyone else wearing masks too.
He walked around the store, shoulders slumped,
Unable to muster the energy to steal some Jaffa Cakes.

Former prime minister Gordon Brown tapped his magical eye
"I'd have seen this coming."
Boris Johnson looked forlorn.
He tugged at his hair,
It had turned to straw and snapped between his fingers.
"It used to be so full of life Gords, old bean."
Boris Johnson folded deeper over his bicycle.
His powers were drained.

Barold arrived at the pub with an extra long straw.
He weaved his straw through the punters and slurped from their glasses.
Barold's investments in toilet paper and pasta hadn't yet paid off.

Edwin went to work without any trousers on
It's what he became used to
The other employees tried to avoid sitting in the same seats as him
He thought they were great at social distancing

Dilbert ignored government advice and held a full on part-ay in his garden.
A massive gazebo sat proudly in the centre and bunting zigzagged between the fences.
On arrival each new guest wore the same giant hat and coat.
Dilbert tried to sneak them in one by one as though they were the same person.
He whacked the vol. up to maximus to mask the talking.
Ultimately none of this helped.
It still looked incredibly suspicious and the police arrived twenty minutes later.

Jose Mourinho, one of the football managers, was having an absolute nightmare
He spent weeks printing up giant flags and ironing out creases and was looking forward to hooking them over the empty seats
But now he couldn't find the keys to his stadium anywhere and his wife just kept asking where he saw them last
And Ole Gunnar Solskjaer wouldn't stop calling asking for tactical insights

After months of Zooming Reginald and Delia finally went on their date.
Reginald had knocked up a couple of sticks to help with the distancing.
He'd stuck hooks on the ends and used them to release Delia's coat from her shoulders.
He pulled out Delia's chair with his hooksticks and knocked her back in place like a snooker ball.
He edged his way around the table pressing hard against the wall.
The ambience of the restaurant and the giant void between them made conversing difficult.
They screamed pleasantries and mimed rain and stuff like that.

Mystical Megan had to be honest with herself
She really struggled with the whole astrology thing during the lockdown
Her horoscopes were getting monotonous and her magical glass orb was offering up nothing
There weren't many new ways to tell people their lives were going to be a bit tedious

Hopper had been queuing outside Primark for three months
Staff finally peeled back the doors and Hopper climbed to his feet
He turned his t shirt into a mask and bounded around the store
Occasionally revealing his face to flirt with the displays
Unable to contain his excitement he began licking household items beneath the bright lights
He even started unhooking coat hangers and shoving their hooks deep into his gob
"You certainly don't lack lustre" he said to the clothing rails, incredibly pleased with himself

Pumpernickel and Sizzler arranged to meet up in John Lewis
They sought out the narrowest aisles and walked down them together
Occasionally they would brush against one another
Pumpernickel would occasionally hold items for a while before placing them back down
Sizzler would rush and pick them up soon after
Taking deep breaths of Pumpernickel's scent

A gardener finally returned to his local garden centre
He felt overwhelmed by the vast quantities of pansies
Their sent pierced his mask and he struggled to breathe
He became faint and dizzy and staggered around trying to find his footing
He was grasping at the pansies but the petals just peeled away
He collapsed into the collection of gnomes and concrete lions
There were so many pansies

Cumslap caught a waft of some exciting news
The lads were leaking and coughing it up all over his puriri boxes
He dusted off the Ray-Bans and trusty white cane and slapped his AA Road Atlas of Great Britain on the kitchen table
He whipped out a pink highlighter and started marking new routes to travel as he planned another holiday

The footballers had managed to outrun the coronavirus after reports it was scared of sports and were all excited to be back
They'd got bin bags over their legs and were showing off their jazzy footwork as the bags rustled around
The men who were going to take the throw ins also had to wear bin bags on their arms
Every time one of them touched the ball they had to run to the side of the field and have their bags replaced
And the crowds were silent because they didn't exist
But boy, the footwork was jazzy

Rory Mints ordered a bunch of baguettes and croissants and laid them throughout the house.
He insisted his housemates wear berets and speak with French accents.
He pressed his face against printouts of French countryside and admired the views.

Parents drove by the school and launched their rainbow children from the car windows
The tyres squealed into the distance
They had celebratory lattes to attend
The teachers had flipped over their desks and were hiding behind them
The children were picking their noses and licking their hands and their desks and things like that
Occasionally the parents would complain about having to pick up their children in five hours

Angus Walker got stuck in his front door
It had been so long that he'd forgotten how to use the ruddy thing
The firepeople arrived and tried to butter up Angus
As they approached he'd swing at them with his telescopic hiking poles and demand they retreat the full two metres

Tommy still dreams about the final clap
His shoulders still ache
His hands are still raw
He recalls the shower of spittle from his voluptuous horn quickly drying over the other contestants
When he wakes, he wakes up hard

Beefy extended his novelty fork the full two metres and hooked a slab of meat off the barbecue.
He glanced over the cow and prepared for the big count.
There was Chopsy, Hunk, Nugget, Mincer, Leggers, and of course his very own Beefy.
Six! Beefy sighed with relief, the barbecue was in accordance with government guidelines and he was perfectly safe.
"Wait a minute, who the hell is that?!" Beefy extended his fork at the mystery person.
The stranger gnawed a gob of meat off Beefy's slab and gave him a little wink.
The meat oozed down the stranger's tracksuit and misted up his Ray-Bans.

People went to the park to play frisbee
They stood in designated frisbing zones and launched their discs at each other
Park rangers wore hazmat suits and roamed between the players
They zapped the discs with anti-covids as they flew overhead

"See you in a few seconds lads!" Cumslap hopped into his time traveller and dialled in a few weeks ago
His minions looked on as the device flickered in and out of existence
Cumslap zapped into the past and began carving his name across as many walls as he could find
The minions rubbed their eyes and fondled the divots in the walls
They couldn't believe what they were seeing!
"cumslap woz ere" suddenly started appearing all around them
Later this might seem like a bit of a tactical error
But for right now Cumslap was loving it